neo
Indian
You can put an Indian back in India, but ...

Tag: humor

Ganpati celebrations

(Contents of the blog techieguy4u.blogspot.com) September 3rd, 2021 This year Ganpati is only twenty-nine days long. The house is fully stocked up—as usual Reshma forced me to get enough food to last us three Ganpatis—the armed guards are patrolling outside, and the flags have been installed. Now I intend to relax and use these holidays […]

The Marriage Aptitude Test

It was always going to be hard for Neo to convince Mrs. Neo of his marriage-readiness, but it would have been quicker had Mrs. Neo made Neo take the following test: Write a snark-free essay on two of the following (3000+ words): My dad (your would-be father-in-law) Your emotions right now Foreplay Describe the appearance […]

Letter writing, and other polite ways to deal with crap

Respected Mr. Damodaran, As part of my neighborly endeavor to convince your kind self that your dog is the creator of the “doo doo” deposited frequently outside my front door, I have attached to this letter a set of nine photographs, one video and ten slides of my proposed presentation at the Society Meeting, tentatively […]

An important letter to my son, written during commercial breaks on TV

You didn’t cry when you were born; you just looked around the room with an expression that said, “Brighter than I expected, but whatever. Are all nurses this good-looking ? Why are y’all staring at me ? Shock laga kya?” You were Definitely Male, Born Tough, Like.No.Other. – The Best A Man Can Get. So, […]

A foreigner’s guide to traditional Hindu weddings

If you’ve just arrived from the US to attend a traditional Hindu wedding in India, you might be jet-lagged – but that’s not necessarily bad. While the other wedding guests groggily arrive at the wedding venue at 4 a.m., it will be late afternoon according to your body clock – the perfect time to enjoy […]

A beginner’s guide to understanding racism, intolerance and bigotry

Several years ago, during a party at his house in the US, Neo decided to have some fun. He convinced a couple of his white guests to hop on one foot, because that was a customary Indian way to thank the host for a great party. For once, Mrs. Neo found it funny too, except […]

Men are from Mars, Women are from Pluto

Neo’s return to India was planned somewhat better than the U.S. invasion of Iraq; his Plan was the product of several months of vigorous lurking on the Return to India forums, hours of detailed discussions with his parents in India, and had been vigorously debated, modified, and then finally adopted by the Neos via a […]

A quick overview of Indian values

Neo likes to believe that his NRI friends are eager to visit Neo because they love to listen to his “Thoughts on Critical Issues that Really Matter” speech, the same speech that Neo has prepared in case he gets invited to TED. The reality is, they visit to see how much the Neos have progressed […]

Outrage: A Survivor’s Guide to Recovery After Your Religious Sentiments Have Been Hurt

“Outrage needs to be a verb in Indian English. So when are we planning to outrage? 3:00 pm? Okay, will be there with effigy. “- @cgawker It’s your worst nightmare: you’re engaged in what seems to be a safe activity, such as visiting random websites on the Internet, reading the posts in the “Stuff That […]

Living in India tip #7: How to negotiate with vastly smarter people, such as your maid.

Moving to India has caused Neo to make 180 degree shifts in many of his core opinions (not as dramatic a shift as Neo’s boss though, who once remarked that she’d like to see the company make a 360 degree shift in direction.) Here’s one example: When he lived in the US, Neo believed that […]

A foreigner’s guide to traditional Indian dining etiquette

“Sigh. Kindly order quickly, many customer is waiting” is the official motto of The Association Of Waiters In Indian Restaurants. But don’t be fooled, dear foreigner – food is of critical importance to Indian people. Nothing binds Indians together more, and divides them more, than the belief that their specific type of Indian cuisine is […]

A humble proposal to completely eliminate unnecessary and redundant phrases and clichés from our written words

Writing is a labor of love, but, as the sun sets in the west, and the moon rises in the night sky, Neo often thinks to himself, “Why do we writers use these redundant phrases in our writing ? Where else would the sun set and the moon rise ? Also, in the absence of […]

The sign outside Neo’s office cube

Thank you for visiting my cube. I am very friendly, but please: before you knock, slap me on my back, attempt to strangulate me to gain my attention, or pull out my earphones from my ears, please read this: 1. I have the same calendar system as you – so I probably already know I’m […]

A quick refresher of ancient Indian history, in case you forgot what you learnt in school

The earliest evidence of human activity in India is 75,000 years old, in Tamil Nadu. Historians are divided on whether the homo sapiens skeletons discovered were Iyengar, Iyer, Hindi-speaking barbarians from northern India, or unemployed prehistoric historians who committed suicide due to career frustrations. By 2600 BC, in Harappa, we see proof of the first […]

A letter from a guy who was killed in a recent terror attack

Dear all, Thank you for the outpouring of sympathy over my death in the recent terror attack. I’m the guy whose remains were never identified, but my car keys were found in the rubble. I wish that I never really died and that I had just decided to drop my car keys in after the […]

Why it is meaningless to say you’re proud to be an Indian

“Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” – Barack Obama. “More than you know it I’m aware, Of this connection that we share. I know it seems like sometimes I don’t care, […]

Useful phrases for foreigners visiting India

Are you visiting India for the first time ? Here are some phrases that you might want to learn to say in Hindi. “Where’s the restroom?” “Hi, I’d like to book a pre-paid taxi.” “Can you take me to Le Meridien?” “No, thank you. I don’t need an escort for tonight.” “Wow, you look beautiful. […]

What people say to you when you tell them that you don’t believe in God

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The only piece of real estate in Bangalore that is worth buying

“It’s not an apartment, it’s an abode!” Welcome to Gurgling Creek Sprawling Meadows Courtyard Burj Al-Bangalore, a truly integrated township enclave featuring 10,000 idyllic, angelic, low-rise, high-tech, upscale, down-to-earth, close-to-nature, self-contained, self-sustainable, contemporary, exemplary, auxiliary, prestigious, almost religious, state-of-the-art, individually crafted, pedestrian-friendly, eco-friendly and vastu-friendly residential nay presidential homes that will leave you positively speechless, […]

10 things Google users really want to know about India

What’s puzzling about China’s attempts to access Gmail accounts of human rights activists is this – why go through the trouble? If the Chinese government knows which specific Gmail account to hack into, it must know who the activist is. Why not arrest the naughty fellow for driving too slowly on his bicycle and then […]