Neo arrived in India during mosquito-gras – the yearly event in Bangalore when millions of scantily-clad mosquitoes get high and swarm around searching for the Jonas Brothers mosquitoes. The good news is they are so crazed that they forget their mosquito-duty to bite you, and sort of leave you alone – just remember to keep your eyes closed while walking around. (If you couldn’t tell that Neo was exaggerating, you’re not ready to move to India. Actually he wasn’t exaggerating. He was just kidding. Not.)

So it turns out that the first few weeks after your move to India are actually a great time to panic – for one, it’s not like you’re going to get much done anyway, thanks to a combination of jet lag and complete exhaustion from the 218 trips to Ikea made in the last 3 days before you left for India (“what if they don’t have Ikea candles in India?”)

Another great reason to panic early is that your friends/relatives might sympathize, because in the early honeymoon days of your return they actually give a damn about what you are going through. Neo panicked after almost a month (midway through an otherwise excellent dosa). He pinged his cousin on Gtalk with, “On days like this I wish I was on a flight back to the US”: her reply was a not very encouraging: “brb”.

Neo always thought he was invincible, but no plan survives the first contact with the enemy: Within the first 2 minutes of their introduction, Neo’s neighbor asked him (in Hindi) “paanch crore to kamaya hoga na US mein?”, i.e. “I’m sure you must have saved up at least a million dollars in the US, right” ?

All things being equal, Neo could have easily handled the nosy neighbor. But Neo didn’t anticipate having to do that in pitch darkness while being eaten alive by a group of mosquitoes (apparently back from the Jonas Brothers concert, where no refreshments were served), and while being slowly deafened by what can only be described as “death metal played with extreme religious fervor on a south Indian drum (Thavil)”.

Neo finally lost it when Mrs. Neo asked him, “I don’t mean to pry honey, but why have you been carrying around a fire extinguisher for the past half hour?” Neo had no answer. It was all over. He smiled at his neighbor (in the darkness), put the extinguisher down, rolled up his sleeves and let the mosquitoes have their way – because, yes, they do leave you alone when they are all done.

So let it out. Get it over with. Welcome to India. Don’t forget to panic.

(Coming soon: The next phase: Euphoria)

In 2004, most of Mrs. Neo’s friends were surprised when she announced that she had broken up with a rather handsome Ganesh and was engaged to marry the very skinny-looking Neo. Yes, they said, Neo was sort of smart, charming and funny, but – he’s so skinny!

It was a brilliant decision by Mrs. Neo – Neo started working out soon after he got married, and the rest is history.

(Single folks are now probably thinking that Mrs. Neo must be thrilled about how things worked out. Married folks of course, know better: There is not one visitor to Neoville that has not heard Mrs. Neo’s 45-minute sob story of how terrible the Neos’ wedding pictures look. Although, encouragingly, yesterday Mrs. Neo did spare the neighbors cousin who just happened to stop by for some sugar. Neo’s frantic silent-begging motions from the other room might have also helped.)

Tongues will always wag, but the truth is that Neo had nothing to do with Mrs. Neo’s decision to dump “part ways amicably with” Ganesh. That was all Ganesh’s doing. As the average reader* will probably agree, haranguing Mrs. Neo constantly about how she was damaging the environment every time she dried her hair wasn’t exactly the best way to soften her up for a marriage proposal.

(* Not that Neo has any average readers – all of Neo’s readers are above average, especially when it comes to patiently waiting for Neo’s next post.)

The breaking point for Mrs. Neo was probably when she came home one day and discovered that Ganesh had entered her apartment using his copy of her apartment keys (oh yes, they had exchanged keys, and almost rings), and thrown out her brand-new Calphalon cooking set – because he felt strongly that “steel is healthier than Teflon!”. Perhaps Ganesh should have done what all sensible men do – wait until after he got married to let out his inner control-freak.

But this post is not about gloating or about pointing out that Ganesh is still single. Nor is this post about the priceless look on Mrs. Neo’s friends’ faces when they see the “neo-Neo physique” – it is about India, specifically India vs China:

Don’t let the make-love-not-pollution liberals fool you – there is an epic competition brewing between India and China. Economic growth is not a zero-sum game, but there is a limited supply of oil, food, water. skilled labor and demand for shoddily cheaply manufactured goods in the world.

At its heart, any bet on India (such as investing in India, or moving to India for career reasons) is a bet that (much like Neo’s shoulder measurements) India’s problems, while serious, can be fixed in the not-so-distant future.

There is little doubt that China is ahead today, and much “hotter” than India right now – but India’s problems are fundamentally different from China’s:

Neo can argue (and is arguing) that it is easier to increase growth and fix infrastructure/governance issues when you have a fundamentally free and a highly educated population (i.e. India) than it is to try and control a repressed and un-free people forever by bribing them with fake economic growth (i.e. China).

Neo’s day job allows him some access to Indian government officials, and one of them remarked to him last week – “the problem with China is that its GDP growth numbers are decided three years in advance, while the problem in India is that we can’t agree on what the GDP growth numbers were three years ago.”

Yes, this is the age of Twitter, and so like most other things in life, the India vs China problem can be reduced to a 140-character bumper sticker:  “I may be fat, but you’re ugly and I can diet!.”

Epilogue: Yes, Neo does sound like an Indian fanboy at times. Well, at least he didn’t have to hack through a poor-Cisco-imitation firewall (yes I’m looking at you, Huawei) and risk death-by-being-eaten-alive-by-worms or worse, death-by-being-forced-to-eat-worms just by posting this.

(Disclaimer: No skinny people were insulted in this post. Also, Mrs. Neo now says it is untrue that skinny men are unattractive. It would be nice if Mrs. Neo had realized this 78,344 hours in sweaty gyms and $19351.23 ago).

(The Neo family has had a bad week thanks to a viral fever. Regular blogging will resume when the fever has been vanquished. Meanwhile, Neo’s been browsing through his overflowing photo collection all week).

Goa has always been one of Neo’s favorite places to visit in India (once he figured out how to avoid the crowds). Here’s some pictures from his trip last winter:

1. Cidade de Goa beach, Panjim

One of Neo’s favorite beaches in Goa – the private beach at Cidade de Goa, in Panjim.

2. Taj Fort Aguada’s private beach

The Taj Fort Aguada beach is small, but has a beautiful fort overlooking it.

3. Baga beach

This is one of the favorite hangouts for foreign tourists (especially those on a budget). Neo saw several signs in Russian on his drive to Baga.

4. Miramar beach

Neo loves the feel of beaches within the city, since they have more locals than tourists. And Miramar beach (located in the heart of Panjim city) is one of his favorite “urban” beaches in the world.

5. The Indian Crow

Some people are scared of butterflies. Neo is scared of the damn crows.

6. Dona Paula (Panjim)

Do we really need the fabricated suicide stories to get people to come to what’s one of the more scenic spots in Panjim ?

7. Barge on the Mandovi river

Goa is a big exporter of iron ore, and a large part of this ore is transported by barges on the river Mandovi:

Have you been to Goa yet ?

The most frequently asked question that this blog’s contact form gets isn’t “Are you really sure Neo isn’t single?”. No – that distinction goes to “How much money should I save up before returning to India” ?

(While on the topic of being single, here’s a good rule for married men to follow in pubs: When asked by a girl if you’re married, the first word out of your mouth should be some emphatic synonym of “Yes”. As Neo’s friend learned last Sunday during the IPL finals, “Well, .. (silly grin)” is not a synonym of “Yes”. Maybe a really assertive “Well!” could sort of approach a “Yes”, but it’s rather hard to make that case while simultaneously dodging several expertly aimed glasses of cold water from your wife.)

Now that we’ve closed that bracket, back to the question of “how much money..”, here’s the answer: you’re asking the wrong question!

Here’s why:

1. If you’re moving to India, it should be to make money, and to learn

Thinking of India as a quiet place to retire after working abroad is as silly (and obsolete) as the 100-pound TV in Neo’s parents’ house (you know, the kind that sucks so much power, the lights dim momentarily when you turn it on).

Just because everyone is saying it doesn’t make it false. India is becoming the young and upwardly mobile country that you’ve always wanted. So if your “move to India” plan does not have a jargon-free section titled “My personal plan to grow intellectually, professionally and financially by taking advantage of India’s growth” in at least Helvetica (and not Arial) 14 font size, you don’t have a plan! Go back and write a plan!

Your plan will give you comfort when you read it in candle-light at 3am when there is no power, and (like the Pakistani government) you’ve conceded large ‘swat’hes of your body to the invading mosquitoes.

(Actually mosquitoes are not an issue, since everyone has a UPS and “Good Knight” – but still, if Neo can scare away a few potential returnees, he has done his patriotic bit in controlling inflation in India, speaking of which, …)

2. Yes, The Rupee could get even stronger

The fact that the Reserve Bank of India keeps the rupee artificially low (to promote exports) is probably the worst kept secret in India. But in the long run, 1) we are all dead and 2) more importantly a stronger rupee is as inevitable (though not as imminent) as Deepak Chopra’s next meaningless Twit.

If the rupee appreciates, the money you have earned in India (see point 1) will be worth much more in absolute terms, and in terms of purchasing power. (It’s not like you’ve failed to notice Tim Geithner’s unsubtle tossing around (two) dollar bills at banks faster than a desi guy at his last strip dance before getting married).

But there are things in life more important than money, and so ..

3. What’s your time worth ?

For Neo, moving to India was like cleaning his keyboard for the first time: he was amazed at the sheer volume of gunk that was cleaned out from his life. Neo’s household saves 40 hours a week due to all the cooking, cleaning and driving that’s now been outsourced. Also saved are the 911 calls, most famously because Mrs. Neo once decided to oven-heat a pizza in the original cardboard box (in her defense, she was on the phone with Sneha).

This time is worthless if all you’ll do with it is argue even more with your spouse or watch the Big Bang Theory (highly recommended btw). But if you can use it to start a part-time business, teach your kids, or even just to exercise regularly, this time is worth real money. Surely that deserves to be a column in your Excel spreadsheet (but seriously, you should support open source and move to OpenOffice).

4. Finally, the real question is, how much money do you need to move to Ethiopia ?

Neo is all for keeping his kids on their toes by exposing them to new environments – but moving them to India just when they’ve finally figured out how to answer “do you speak Indian at home?”, or “do you speak Hindu?” seems a tad unfair.

So do consider the fact that by the time your slow-train to “enough money” gets to its destination, your kids might have as difficult a time adjusting to India as you would have in adjusting to rural Ethiopia. By then, your net worth in Indian Rupees is as meaningless as that in Ethiopian Birrs, since you’re not going to move to either of those places!

Conclusion

If you are still reading, perhaps you don’t have enough to live the life of a sheikh in India (of course, even sheikhs are suffering and need to be bailed out with your tax dollars).

So if you are still thinking of moving to India and, like a true Internet citizen, you’ve already forgotten what you read 10 sentences ago, here’s the plan in summary:

1. Think of your current savings only as an initial safety net
2. Figure out how to make money in India before you move
3. Invest it according to the experts on CNBC wisely keeping an eye on the long-term dollar-rupee rate
4. Start thinking in terms of purchasing power rather than dollar amounts, and
5. Work towards converting your extra time in India into money and meaning.

And do get a move on. As Neo loves to say, “if you can’t decide, decide quickly”.

Perhaps the most unsettling realization for Neo after his return to India has been this: For the rest of his life, he will almost certainly feel different from the local population – no matter where he stays in the world.

Of course, “the need to feel at home” wasn’t in the list of “top 10 reasons for Neo’s move to India” – “being waited on by maids”, “Indian-Chinese food”, and even “better sports timings for Cricket and Soccer” are better candidates for membership in that nebulous list.

But many of Neo’s friends who are contemplating their return tell him that “the need to feel at home” is important to them. Neo hopes for their sake that they will feel more at home in India than Neo has. But thus far, the old truism has held true – you can go back, but you can never go home again.

Neo is not one to state the obvious, but India is nothing like you remember. It is hungrier, scarier, wealthier, funnier, poorer, sexier, tastier and more globalized than you ever thought possible (Neo says this as he eats the best tortilla chips and salsa of his life – in Bangalore).