“Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” – Barack Obama.

“More than you know it I’m aware,
Of this connection that we share.
I know it seems like sometimes I don’t care,
But you are the colors that I wear” – “3 AM”, Poets of the Fall.

“I’m proud to be an Indian ” – Twitterer, January 26th, 2010.

“You were an Indian in America, and now you’re an American in India. Always confused.” – Neo’s Uncle Abhay on Neo, January 26th 2010.

“What time is Lost?” – Neo, moments ago.

*

On Republic Day, Uncle Abhay kept trying to get Neo to enjoy the parade, but Neo was more interested in spending quality time with his Google Reader, podcasts and wine – only two things were “dry” on Republic Day at Neoville: the municipal water supply, and Abhay’s throat because he couldn’t stop talking.

Uncle Abhay finally gave up: “Are you even an Indian? What the hell are you doing in India? Why did you come here? Aren’t you proud of being an Indian?”.

No.

Neo has plenty of time to listen to Raga Marwa, or wait for his turn at the traffic light, but he has no time to waste watching parades, waving the flag of any country, chanting slogans or reading @nevervotes92’s tweets on how he’s proud of being an Indian. Saying that you are proud of being an Indian isn’t much different than saying you’re proud to be born on a Monday – being an Indian is just a fact, not an achievement to be proud of. Would you be less proud if you were born Romanian, or on a Tuesday ? You could say you’re lucky to be an Indian – millions of Bangladeshis would agree.

The ridiculously sloganeered and caricatured shows of patriotism that occur in India (and every other country) on “national holidays” are an insult to the intelligence of its citizens. What happened to the thoughtful, deep India ? When did we choose gaudy weddings over happy marriages, not-stalgia and past glory over reality, rutty careers over our real aspirations, pretentious religious ceremonies over what they actually mean, deep-fried over grilled, elder-worship over thinking for ourselves, the display of money over tastefulness and rote-memorized slogans over an intuitive understanding of civic duty ? You can get a kid to recite “Mera Bharat Mahan” or the sugary-sweet “All Indians are my brother and sisters” until his face is blue, but he’s still not going to stop throwing his fucking candy wrapper on the road until a parent teaches him to.

And have you noticed ? Around the world, the more pathetic the condition of its citizens, the grander and more pretentious are the patriotic celebrations and the forced, fake statements of pride. If the Martians were watching the parades on TV, they’d think North Korea was the leader of the world. The lipstick on a prostitute gets more garishly red as dawn approaches, or as the drugs wear off.

A few of Neo’s family members and friends serve (proudly) in the Indian armed forces. None of them are impressed by the Facebook status updates, tweets and blog posts proclaiming pride for India on national holidays or disasters. This Republic day, Neo’s friend said “We serve in the army so the rest of you motherfuckers can be safe and change India, not so you can sit around forwarding patriotic songs and feel happy.”

How about we replace all the parades, speeches and sloganeering with a simple ceremony that honors the men and women who would run towards a gunshot rather than away from it ? The ceremony can end in a simple wish – “we honor the Indians who died for our country this year, and we hope our enemies will soon have the opportunity to die in very large numbers for their country.”

Hello, and welcome to Neo’s blog. He is Indian, and he’s proud of many things. But he’s not proud to be an Indian. He just is an Indian.

*

PS: You still like parades ? Here’s a parade that will make you proud, or maybe, if you’re like Neo, laugh uncontrollably and then collapse with sadness:

PS2: Are you proud of this blog post? If you are, you shouldn’t be. You didn’t write it.

“Premal Uncle is a f*ng jerk. Why did you stay with him every time you visited Mumbai ? Everyone thought you were a jerk too! And come on man, what’s up with the khaki shorts all the time? You really think it’s too f*ng warm to wear jeans like the rest of us ?”.

Yes, it took a year after Neo’s move to India before his younger cousins began telling him how they really felt. And the more they used the F-word, the more he realized he was getting into a real friendship.

Neo’s young cousins are not just fun to hang out with – they’re smart, soon-to-be-successful people – and forming close friendships with them has been one of the joys of Neo’s life in India (and his only refuge at any family event).

(Speaking of joys, here’s one of Neo’s other big joys in life – his maid getting him the “perfect breakfast” – “keggs organic” single-egg omelet sunny-side-up but flipped over once so it’s not “runny”, with no salt but a sprinkling of pepper, 2 brown bread slices toasted lightly, freshly made non-fat lassi with the cream/froth removed and with a pinch of sugar substitute, seasonal fruits cut into neat cubes so its easy to eat, 2 GNC Mega-Men’s multi-vitamins, the “Economic Times” newspaper. Filter coffee an hour later on holidays.)

So anyhow, if you are “old” like Neo (yes, being 34 in India feels like being 46 in the US), the first step to connecting with the youth in India is to figure out what they want from their relationships with older people.

So here’s just a few things that Neo has learned along the way:

1. Be descriptive, not prescriptive: Youngsters vastly prefer older people to be descriptive (i.e. help them understand what is happening in the complex world around them) rather than being prescriptive (i.e. telling them what they ought to do, most of which they already know).

So, descriptions like:

“When he was in college, Neo started playing in a band on Saturday nights instead of just sitting around drinking with his dumb friends. Literally, you just hold 2 sticks in your hand and sit at a drum kit and wait for the women to show up. And then one day it’s like hello, Mrs. Neo!”.

are more likely to work, unlike prescriptions like:

“Stop drinking away your parents’ hard-earned money! You want to get thrown out of college ? Yes, Steve Jobs was a college dropout but so is the watchman at your house! So get a little serious in life!”

2. Stop freaking out: It also helps if you show you can stay calm, be an adult and treat youngsters like the adults they are.

For instance:

“I can see how your new boyfriend is totally hot. I just wish he wasn’t 12 years older to you. Why don’t you take a few more months to decide before you move in with him ? And give your parents some time to adjust to the new reality.”

works much better than something Cousin Preeti might say:

“OMG you’re gay!! I thought you liked that Sindhi neighbor’s daughter! Is this why our great-grandfather slogged for Rs. 20 a day for 50 years ? (hyperventilate) Don’t talk to this guy ever again!! And stop talking to that stupid Neo too! This is all his fault you know! Bloody Americans! Now get me my asthma inhaler!”

3. Be honest: Youngsters are smart, so Neo learned quickly to stop BS’ing them and asking them vague questions like “where do you want to be in five years?”. If something does freak you out, and you have to say your mind, just say it.

So, don’t be condescending like this:

“Well, you’re going through a difficult phase in life. And I’m sure you just did this because you wanted your friends to think you’re cool.”

Just try and be honest and direct:

“You were a f*ng moron to gamble your computer course tuition money in the stock market! Now let me make some calls to try and get you an internship somewhere so you can learn some new stuff and maybe earn back some of that money.”

Conclusion: Be honest, be real and be respectful when you interact with youngsters, and you can actually be a part of their lives, rather than becoming a part of their problems. And they will reward you with their company, their insights and most of all, their friendship.

And finally, here’s a song that might help you get into the groove:

Do you have any more tips on how to bridge the age-divide ?

PS: The corollary, i.e. treating older relatives as kids works well too. Try doing the Indian head waggle frequently and praising them as if they were little children (“wow I love the way you said that, that’s such a wonderful insight”). Especially whenever an elderly person says one of those vaguely profound-sounding, but meaningless statements like “India’s strength is in it’s values”.