“Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” – Barack Obama.

“More than you know it I’m aware,
Of this connection that we share.
I know it seems like sometimes I don’t care,
But you are the colors that I wear” – “3 AM”, Poets of the Fall.

“I’m proud to be an Indian ” – Twitterer, January 26th, 2010.

“You were an Indian in America, and now you’re an American in India. Always confused.” – Neo’s Uncle Abhay on Neo, January 26th 2010.

“What time is Lost?” – Neo, moments ago.

*

On Republic Day, Uncle Abhay kept trying to get Neo to enjoy the parade, but Neo was more interested in spending quality time with his Google Reader, podcasts and wine – only two things were “dry” on Republic Day at Neoville: the municipal water supply, and Abhay’s throat because he couldn’t stop talking.

Uncle Abhay finally gave up: “Are you even an Indian? What the hell are you doing in India? Why did you come here? Aren’t you proud of being an Indian?”.

No.

Neo has plenty of time to listen to Raga Marwa, or wait for his turn at the traffic light, but he has no time to waste watching parades, waving the flag of any country, chanting slogans or reading @nevervotes92’s tweets on how he’s proud of being an Indian. Saying that you are proud of being an Indian isn’t much different than saying you’re proud to be born on a Monday – being an Indian is just a fact, not an achievement to be proud of. Would you be less proud if you were born Romanian, or on a Tuesday ? You could say you’re lucky to be an Indian – millions of Bangladeshis would agree.

The ridiculously sloganeered and caricatured shows of patriotism that occur in India (and every other country) on “national holidays” are an insult to the intelligence of its citizens. What happened to the thoughtful, deep India ? When did we choose gaudy weddings over happy marriages, not-stalgia and past glory over reality, rutty careers over our real aspirations, pretentious religious ceremonies over what they actually mean, deep-fried over grilled, elder-worship over thinking for ourselves, the display of money over tastefulness and rote-memorized slogans over an intuitive understanding of civic duty ? You can get a kid to recite “Mera Bharat Mahan” or the sugary-sweet “All Indians are my brother and sisters” until his face is blue, but he’s still not going to stop throwing his fucking candy wrapper on the road until a parent teaches him to.

And have you noticed ? Around the world, the more pathetic the condition of its citizens, the grander and more pretentious are the patriotic celebrations and the forced, fake statements of pride. If the Martians were watching the parades on TV, they’d think North Korea was the leader of the world. The lipstick on a prostitute gets more garishly red as dawn approaches, or as the drugs wear off.

A few of Neo’s family members and friends serve (proudly) in the Indian armed forces. None of them are impressed by the Facebook status updates, tweets and blog posts proclaiming pride for India on national holidays or disasters. This Republic day, Neo’s friend said “We serve in the army so the rest of you motherfuckers can be safe and change India, not so you can sit around forwarding patriotic songs and feel happy.”

How about we replace all the parades, speeches and sloganeering with a simple ceremony that honors the men and women who would run towards a gunshot rather than away from it ? The ceremony can end in a simple wish – “we honor the Indians who died for our country this year, and we hope our enemies will soon have the opportunity to die in very large numbers for their country.”

Hello, and welcome to Neo’s blog. He is Indian, and he’s proud of many things. But he’s not proud to be an Indian. He just is an Indian.

*

PS: You still like parades ? Here’s a parade that will make you proud, or maybe, if you’re like Neo, laugh uncontrollably and then collapse with sadness:

PS2: Are you proud of this blog post? If you are, you shouldn’t be. You didn’t write it.

“He probably doesn’t have an ear for melody, so just put him in the Tabla class. But don’t buy a Tabla until he’s practiced on the dinner table for six months” – Music teacher at a prominent music school in Mumbai.

These were the inspiring words that started Neo’s musical education at the age of six. For the next several years, Neo learned Tabla from a “guru” who had been driven half-crazy by seeing his beloved musical instrument being badgered to death every Wednesday by a group of 6-13 year olds.

But the truly exciting learning opportunities for Neo came on the other six days of the week, when Neo ran amok “played downstairs” in the parking lot of an otherwise un-noteworthy 20-floor Mumbai apartment building.

These are some of the exciting thing Neo learned from all those years of unsupervised fun:

1. Make fun, not war: During Diwali, never light a “rocket” near a slum dwelling. If the rocket sets fire to a hut, it could start World War III. Also, if a group of angry slum dwellers suddenly approach you, remember to shove the matches into someone else’s hands.

2. Art: Never buy those poor quality balloons from the multilingual hawker. There are always lots of nicer balloons near your parents’ bed, plus for some reason they also freak grown-ups out when inflated.

3. Corporate hierarchy: The guy who owns the bat is never out. Also, your brand new cricket bat will last much longer if you never use it – that’s why mommy never lets you take it downstairs.

4. Women are crazy: Girls are irritating at first because they want to play the same games as boys, but suck at it. And then just when the guys think “hey it would be fun to play all sorts of games with the girls”, the girls suddenly stop wanting to play. This is very puzzling for the boys, and a source of great amusement for the girls.

5. Self-defense: Your ability to use fancy English swear words will typically not outlast your opponents ability to kick you repeatedly in the nuts. Especially if the opponent does not speak English.

6. Academics matter: When Mr. Radhakrishnan is not home, Mrs. Radhakrishnan likes to call boys to her home to eat “biscuits” and do other fun activities. But she only calls you after you reach 10th grade. So it is very important to study hard and reach 10th grade.

7. Automobiles: Marbles in fuel tanks work much better than just random rocks.

8. Animal kingdom: Ignore what the science teacher tells you about butterflies. The only species of wildlife that are not already extinct are: crows, lizards, cows and dogs.

9. Project planning: If you are trying to get your ball from underneath a parked car, make sure you let the driver know that you’re under the car, in case he decides to start driving just when you’re under it.

10. The secret to happiness: A regular gola-sharbat costs Rs. 5. The “special gola-sharbat” costs Rs. 100 and is basically just a regular gola-sharbat with some ayurvedic whitish-brown powder sprinkled on it, which makes you feel really happy – at least for the next hour or three.

*

(.. and then one day you realize that you’re more likely to have a third cup of coffee rather than a third beer – that’s when you know you’ve grown up.)

Was your childhood in India as educational ? What’s the most exciting thing you learned ? And, as your spouse probably wants to know – are you sure your childhood is really even over ? Let Neo know in the comments.

Epilogue: As it turned out, Neo was perfectly capable of understanding melody and went on to teach himself to play the keyboard by ear. His Tabla guru eventually left the profession and went back to his banking job, and back to loving the Tabla again.

(The special gola-sharbat now costs Rs. 350.)

Here’s your moment of zen:

PS: Apparently, while the kids in India are learning important lessons about life, the kids in the US are having way too much fun. As Surekha complains:

My friends went for bally class in school (in the US). There in school premises 13 -14 years students were openly doing romance.My friend with kids was waiting outside the restroom but few teen age studen’s went before them inside restroom and didn’t came out for long and after long time they came out screaming and was doing hi 5 to their out side friends. Small kids watching this was shame.

Last week Neo finally reconciled with the friend who convinced him that it is considered romantic to propose to South Indian girls with a rava idli instead of a ring. The only reason why Mrs. Neo accepted the proposal was because she probably didn’t know any better (plus there was the slight matter of Neo being the perfect guy, and the even slighter matter of Mrs. Neo being drunk). Besides, Mrs. Neo gave Neo bonus points for even finding a rava idli in Vegas.

Exactly a year later, the Neos were married in Chennai by a priest who had the sort of authoritative voice that could successfully hail a Chennai auto driver from 100 feet away. Neo’s aunt helped translate the priestly instructions from Tamil to English, with helpful value-added interjections like “You didn’t have to scratch your belly, Neo. When the priest said “repeat after me”, he didn’t mean it that literally” and “Stay away from that fire, or you’re going to set your dhoti on fire again.”

There is immense business potential in Indian weddings – Neo pitched his startup idea to Mrs. Neo’s rich uncle (before the stock market crashed) during one of Mrs. Neo’s 193 saree changes.

Neo calls it the “WTFGO LCD overhead display system”:

Problem statement: At any given time, about 80% of the wedding guests and approximately 100% of those getting married don’t know “WTF is going on”.

Solution: The WTFGO system is a wall-mounted LCD display that helps people understand “WTF is going on”. Example messages on this display would be:

1. “This part of the ceremony has no cosmic significance – we’re just standing around waiting because the priest had to take yet another bathroom break.”
2. “The rumors of bacterial infection in the Kheer rice pudding are entirely unfounded. Though it could use more sugar.”
3. “We have missed this mahurat because of the physical altercation between the bride’s niece and the bride’s BFF over which mascara color the bride should wear, but DO NOT PANIC – there will be another auspicious moment in just five more hours.”
4. “As a safety measure, please continue to let your kids run unsupervised while you eat and lament the death of Indian culture.”
5. “The awesome honey-sweet milk that is being used for this wedding is graciously provided by Aarey Milk – Got (Vedic) Milk?”
6. “If you haven’t eaten in the past 2 minutes and are feeling weak, please notify some sufficiently subservient-looking family member from the bride’s family and they will get you a plate full of carbs food from the buffet line.”
7. (White folks in the audience can pay to subscribe to the official Twitter feed, which features retweet-friendly, grammar-free Deepak-Chopra-esque lines like: “Seventh Step is for Sakha – friendship – to be dependable and faithful to each other and life long companionship.”.)

The best part of the Neo wedding ceremony was the wedding night – sweet, blissful sleep for 9 hours. Yes, all the Neos did on their wedding night was sleep – judge all you like, but lets just say it was not easy for Neo to stay “up” after being holed up for 20 hours in a claustrophobic room filled mostly with 80 year-old kids.

But the elders would be proud, because the Neos consummated their wedding on a highly auspicious day – it’s just that the auspicious day turned out to be an exact year before their wedding date. That was fate. After all, who are we mortals to judge the intentions of God ?

As Deepak Chopra says, “The atoms of the universe are the thoughts of the mind, the food we eat are made of the stars of Gods creation, and the love we make is the Universe smiling at itself.”

(Actually Neo just made that line up, but he feels one with Deepak Chopra so it’s all good).

The rava idlis for breakfast the next morning were delicious.

PS: A shout out for gay marriage rights. After all, why should only straight people suffer ? Here’s your moment of zen:

PS2: In case you haven’t guessed by now, Neo is no expert on Indian philosophy, but from what he’s gathered from his family, the Indian position on sex is (no, not missionary, get your mind out of the gutter, and your sex life out of the rut) – “Sex is a dirty thing, so you should only do it to the people you love the most.”

PS3: Actually, Neo prefers the Wii.

Neo’s relatives in India were shocked when he moved to India (“oh but he is so Americanized!”, “he will move back within six months, just watch!”, “Don’t let Sonali be influenced by him, she will also become atheist and then who will marry her?”).

The poor relatives were even more hopelessly surprised when they found that Neo passionately advocates people moving to the U.S., especially for the right sort of educational or career opportunity!

Is this a contradiction ? Absolutely not! The reason that Neo moved to the US 15 years ago is almost the same reason he moved to India – for the challenge, the once-in-a-lifetime learning opportunity and the sheer rut-busting, conventional-wisdom-challenging excitement of the move!

Indeed, the Neo family considered all the BRIC countries for the move. Brazil was eliminated because Mrs. Neo thought Neo has an unhealthy appreciation for the beauty of Brazilian women. Russia was eliminated because Mrs. Neo thought Neo has an unhealthy appreciation for Vodka and China eliminated because Neo really wanted to be able to write this blog without the Great Wall of China filtering it.

The point is – moving to India is not going to cure your unhappiness, it probably won’t make you richer, and it certainly won’t feel like home either! And while Neo swears by his awesome maids, many question Neo’s claim that even the maids will really save you 40 hours per week.

(And sadly for those moving to India for religious reasons, the closest Neo has ever come to Nirvana has not been in India, it’s been in the US, when he took a few yoga classes in the Bay Area with apparently the entire Spartan cheerleading team.)

But if you are looking for a way to pull yourself out of your comfort zone, (re)connect with India’s burgeoning, globalized next generation, watch the birth of a new digital revolution, and boost your brain’s creativity – the University of India might be the place for you!

So, shock laga kya ?

“Premal Uncle is a f*ng jerk. Why did you stay with him every time you visited Mumbai ? Everyone thought you were a jerk too! And come on man, what’s up with the khaki shorts all the time? You really think it’s too f*ng warm to wear jeans like the rest of us ?”.

Yes, it took a year after Neo’s move to India before his younger cousins began telling him how they really felt. And the more they used the F-word, the more he realized he was getting into a real friendship.

Neo’s young cousins are not just fun to hang out with – they’re smart, soon-to-be-successful people – and forming close friendships with them has been one of the joys of Neo’s life in India (and his only refuge at any family event).

(Speaking of joys, here’s one of Neo’s other big joys in life – his maid getting him the “perfect breakfast” – “keggs organic” single-egg omelet sunny-side-up but flipped over once so it’s not “runny”, with no salt but a sprinkling of pepper, 2 brown bread slices toasted lightly, freshly made non-fat lassi with the cream/froth removed and with a pinch of sugar substitute, seasonal fruits cut into neat cubes so its easy to eat, 2 GNC Mega-Men’s multi-vitamins, the “Economic Times” newspaper. Filter coffee an hour later on holidays.)

So anyhow, if you are “old” like Neo (yes, being 34 in India feels like being 46 in the US), the first step to connecting with the youth in India is to figure out what they want from their relationships with older people.

So here’s just a few things that Neo has learned along the way:

1. Be descriptive, not prescriptive: Youngsters vastly prefer older people to be descriptive (i.e. help them understand what is happening in the complex world around them) rather than being prescriptive (i.e. telling them what they ought to do, most of which they already know).

So, descriptions like:

“When he was in college, Neo started playing in a band on Saturday nights instead of just sitting around drinking with his dumb friends. Literally, you just hold 2 sticks in your hand and sit at a drum kit and wait for the women to show up. And then one day it’s like hello, Mrs. Neo!”.

are more likely to work, unlike prescriptions like:

“Stop drinking away your parents’ hard-earned money! You want to get thrown out of college ? Yes, Steve Jobs was a college dropout but so is the watchman at your house! So get a little serious in life!”

2. Stop freaking out: It also helps if you show you can stay calm, be an adult and treat youngsters like the adults they are.

For instance:

“I can see how your new boyfriend is totally hot. I just wish he wasn’t 12 years older to you. Why don’t you take a few more months to decide before you move in with him ? And give your parents some time to adjust to the new reality.”

works much better than something Cousin Preeti might say:

“OMG you’re gay!! I thought you liked that Sindhi neighbor’s daughter! Is this why our great-grandfather slogged for Rs. 20 a day for 50 years ? (hyperventilate) Don’t talk to this guy ever again!! And stop talking to that stupid Neo too! This is all his fault you know! Bloody Americans! Now get me my asthma inhaler!”

3. Be honest: Youngsters are smart, so Neo learned quickly to stop BS’ing them and asking them vague questions like “where do you want to be in five years?”. If something does freak you out, and you have to say your mind, just say it.

So, don’t be condescending like this:

“Well, you’re going through a difficult phase in life. And I’m sure you just did this because you wanted your friends to think you’re cool.”

Just try and be honest and direct:

“You were a f*ng moron to gamble your computer course tuition money in the stock market! Now let me make some calls to try and get you an internship somewhere so you can learn some new stuff and maybe earn back some of that money.”

Conclusion: Be honest, be real and be respectful when you interact with youngsters, and you can actually be a part of their lives, rather than becoming a part of their problems. And they will reward you with their company, their insights and most of all, their friendship.

And finally, here’s a song that might help you get into the groove:

Do you have any more tips on how to bridge the age-divide ?

PS: The corollary, i.e. treating older relatives as kids works well too. Try doing the Indian head waggle frequently and praising them as if they were little children (“wow I love the way you said that, that’s such a wonderful insight”). Especially whenever an elderly person says one of those vaguely profound-sounding, but meaningless statements like “India’s strength is in it’s values”.