Dear all,

Thank you for the outpouring of sympathy over my death in the recent terror attack. I’m the guy whose remains were never identified, but my car keys were found in the rubble. I wish that I never really died and that I had just decided to drop my car keys in after the bombing – you know, just to stage my disappearance. But no – I’m really dead.

First and most important: I’d like to thank the honorable ministers of Home, Railways, Finance and Refrigeration who personally visited the site. When my sister died in a road accident we got only one phone call – ICICI bank approved her request for a credit limit increase. So, your personal visits really mean so much.

I also want to thank the thousands of security personnel who provided a security cordon that made the whole area really safe. Well, after the attack at least. LOL.

So this other guy who died with me is going on and on, complaining about about how Bono isn’t doing a concert for us. Well, deal with it, buddy – not everyone is fortunate enough to die in a terrorist attack that deserves a relief concert. Besides, considering that I only got RT’ed five times when I was alive, it feels really good to trend on Twitter for a whole day.

I’m so proud to have stayed in my strong and resilient city. The government deserves praise for allowing the people of my city the freedom to experience so many terror attacks in the last few years: it has given us our indomitable spirit. My city will take these attacks in its stride. We’re so much better than those sissy cities where every murder is a big deal.

I want to tell my wife: Honey I told you to learn how to use the home theater remote controls. Now that I’m not around, if you need to switch from TV to DVD, get our neighbor Biren to teach you. But don’t get too friendly – you know how he is.  Oh, and remember – our codeword is Eggplant. If any psychic uses this word, you’ll know it’s me!

Ok, they’re saying my Internet time is up. I have to log off now.

All that remains to be said is: (get it ? “remains” ? ROFL I always wanted to be a standup! Gosh it sucks to be dead.) Thanks for reading this. Well I’m not really thankful, but my mom taught me to be polite. You know, I think it is very rude to kill people. Considering that I got angry at people just for jumping ahead of me in the grocery checkout line, you can imagine how pissed I am at the people who killed me.

Darn, I had so many things lined up. This was such a bad time to die. I never really celebrated Valentine’s day, but this time I thought I’d surprise my wife.

Okay they’re saying if I don’t log off now, they’re going to turn o….

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RIP

Are you visiting India for the first time ? Here are some phrases that you might want to learn to say in Hindi.

“Where’s the restroom?”

“Hi, I’d like to book a pre-paid taxi.”

“Can you take me to Le Meridien?”

“No, thank you. I don’t need an escort for tonight.”

“Wow, you look beautiful. Come on in!”

“Good morning. Your daughter ? Wait, I thought she was the escort!”

“Where are you taking me?”

“What is this priest saying?”

“No! I have a girlfriend in San Jose! Please!”

“It’s not about you, Priya. I find you very attractive. Please don’t cry.”

“Oh god, please don’t stop.”

“So all this time you thought I was asking you if you were taking vitamin pills?”

“Push.”

“I need an admission form for Kindergarten, please.”

“Give me the remote.”

“Just a few more minutes on Twitter, honey. I’ll be right there!”

“Of course you don’t look fat!”

“Okay, I’ll shut up. Just let me in the room!”

(END)

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(Based on an idea by Simon Rich in “Ant Farm”)

What’s puzzling about China’s attempts to access Gmail accounts of human rights activists is this – why go through the trouble? If the Chinese government knows which specific Gmail account to hack into, it must know who the activist is. Why not arrest the naughty fellow for driving too slowly on his bicycle and then ask him if he’d like to eat “Deep-fried vegetable balls in a tangy Manchurian sauce with a hint of irony” for lunch? Et voila.

On the other hand, Google’s search algorithm has no choice but to read through all your boring emails and search queries. It’s trying to become sentient figure out what you’re likely to be searching.

So what are you, dear typical Google user, searching about India ? Google auto-complete knows:

1. Where do Indians live in Houston?

Answer: Here’s a hint: You know Indians are smart, right ? Would we really open our motel with the attached Indian restaurant far from where we all lived ?

And now you know where all the Pakistani and Bangladeshis live too. (You’d think that after all the complaining they do about how terrible it is to have India as a neighbor in South Asia, they’d have the sense to stay at least a few blocks away from us in the US.)

2. How do Indians wipe ?

Answer: Wipe what ? Wipe the floor with your ass ? Ok, yes, many Indians use water and their left hands to clean their ass. Why the left hand ? Because there should be some tradition that’s designed to be easier for left-handers. More importantly, we don’t want to contaminate our asses with the food that happens to be on our right hands.

3. Why Tamils celebrate Diwali?

Answer: It’s a cover for them to test their explosive devices. Tamil Nadu is planning to launch a massive missile strike on North India and then take over the country to make Tamil the national language, causing Pakistan to yearn for the good old days when they didn’t need a translator just to lie to India.

4. What do Indian people look like?

Answer: This question is as puzzling as the one you often hear from single women: “where are all the men?”. Seriously, you have to ask ? What happened to stepping out into the street ? We’re everywhere! (Yes, even in Talinn, Estonia)

5. Indian girls raised by wolves

Answer: If you are looking for matrimony with Indian girls raised by wolves, consider this: “Honey, I’m home!” in English sounds exactly like “Come and chew my head off, you stupid wolf” to an Indian girl raised by wolves (and judging by some of the mails Neo gets, even to many Indian girls who are not raised by wolves). Misunderestimations like that can ruin your entire evening.

6. Why do Indian people shake their head?

Answer: Well if you don’t want us to shake our heads, stop asking us to make you a company website that “looks exactly like this competitor’s website, except completely different.” And yes we’re spiritual but we still haven’t found any “lighter shades of black” for the text on your website.

7. Why are Indian people afraid of dogs?

Answer: Really, it’s the only thing all Indians (even those who now live in Houston) have in common. You’d be scared of dogs too, if you lived in a subcontinent with eighteen languages. Besides, although we all know that the dog doesn’t bite, the dog might not.

8. India and China have a right to pollute the environment

Answer: That’s not even a question! But, thank you for your support as we try to catch up to the per-capita pollution of developed countries.

9. Indian man marries dog

Answer: Now you know why there are so many Indian women (raised by humans or otherwise) looking for grooms on shaadi.com. You also know why we are scared of dogs.

10. How do Hindus get to heaven ?

Answer: Diversification. Sure, it’s fun, simple and bold to worship one God – just like it was to invest all your money in Enron. A better way to invest to simply buy a bit of everything. Yes, polytheism is the “Vanguard Index Fund” of religion. Look closely at a Hindu prayer room and you might even find Jesus (figuratively speaking)!

Just kidding! The truth is, we get to heaven by living like parseltongue-speaking, satan-worshipping pagans all our lives. Then, just moments before our deaths, we convert to Christianity so we can show up in heaven and continue leching at your wife when you visit our ridiculously overpriced Indian restaurant there.

(And when you get there, don’t forget to try our famous deep-fried vegetable balls in Manchurian sauce.)

Here’s your you-know-what:

How long can Neo call himself a “newly returned Indian” ? It’s been almost three years since he moved to India. But – as Neo said recently to one of his engineers who was denied a promotion – it’s not how long you’ve been doing it, but how well you’ve done it that counts. (Also, it helps if you ask for a promotion when the company is profitable.)

So have you earned your promotion from “Newly Returned Indian” to “Natively Resident Indian” ? Here are 20 signs that you’ve successfully made the transition to living in India:

1. You stop getting out of the car at gas stations petrol pumps.

2. You drive next to a BMW 7-series and don’t notice it. Or you didn’t, until your driver gave you a condescending glance.

3. This year’s Diwali holidays won’t catch you by surprise.

4. You stop walking around the office with a coffee mug in your hand.

5. You wear a sweater in “winter”.

6. You stop asking other drivers for their insurance whenever they bump into your car.

7. You’re ok with paying $20,000 for a crappy, cramped car that takes 30 minutes to go from 0-60.

8. You think it’s perfectly natural for English movies to have English subtitles on HBO India.

9. Someone gets fired if it’s 8pm and there isn’t a 4-course meal on the dinner table.

10. You know the best parking spots are determined by shade from the sun and not by distance. Also, you’ve learned to hold the steering wheel using just your pinky finger.

11. The sound of the maid breaking a wine glass does not bother you because you had the foresight to buy a set of 13 wine glasses.

12. You host your kid’s birthday party at McDonald’s.

13. When there’s a cricket game on, you just turn on the TV instead of  reloading cricinfo.com every 10 seconds.

14. You and your spouse are experts in using “missed calls” to communicate. (1 ring = “on my way home”, 2 rings == “running late”, 3 rings == “just pick up the phone you cheapskate!”, …)

15. You stop hauling around your own luggage around at airports and train stations.

16. Your cell phone has a custom ringtone and caller tune. Also, you stop asking for cell phone numbers and start asking for “mobile”, as in “what’s your mobile?”

17. You barely remember what voicemail is.

18. You stop noticing homeless people.

19. When calling customer service, you confidently announce your name as “Gajanand Shrivatsav” without automatically spelling it out like “G as in Government, A as in Apple …”

20. You stop smiling at strangers in the elevator.

(Don’t feel bad if you’re not doing as well as you thought. Neo is right there behind you.)

Here’s your moment of zen:

The 22nd year of a man’s life is very important because it represents the peak of his sexual virility. Which is why Neo will never forget what he was doing during the last minute of his 22nd year of life – he was saying “not tonight dear, I need to finish my Algorithms homework”.

(As it turned out, the Algorithms homework deadline was postponed by a week, but Neo didn’t know that because he hadn’t checked his email.)

When the fat lady sings, there will be many people things you might regret not doing.And then there are things that will probably not cause you much regret – such as figuring out “why am I here”.

What’s unclear in life

Many things are unclear in life:

1. “Why am I here?”
2. Is it true that Sachin Tendulkar Sehwag Fabregas is, in fact, not just God, but THE MAN ?
3. Does Indian law allow you to divorce your spouse for not letting you watch the TV series of your choice ? (Apparently yes)
4. Did Tiger Woods’ first 7 affairs drive him into having the 8th affair ? (Have one affair, shame on you, have two affairs, shame on me – 8 affairs and you have to feel sorry for the guy!)
5. Will Mrs. Neo forgive Neo for accidentally kissing her friend on her lips last weekend  ? (He was aiming for the left cheek but missed!  Besides, it’s not like Mrs. Neo’s friend seemed to mind it all that much – why else would she post the photo on her Facebook!)

What’s clear in life

But if there is one thing clear in life, it is that (as the map in Forum mall said famously) YOU ARE HERE. So why not take an experiential (rather than an existential) view of life and ask the far more important question – what do I want to do here?

So, what do you want to do ?

And now Neo has to go check his email.

Here’s your moment of zen:

Epilogue: The only time Neo has asked himself “why am I here?” was during the 93rd minute of waiting for the “Indiana Jones” ride at Disneyworld. But then Neo asked himself “what do I want to do”, causing him to leave the line and head to the much preferable Disney Downtown for a well-deserved, kids-free beer.

(Halfway through the beer, Mrs Neo called Neo up to ask him the even more profoundly meaningless question, “why aren’t you here?”)