You can put an Indian back in India, but ...

Category: culture

That is a different this one

My friend told neoindian blog is timepass but sorry boss, what a biggest ridiculous blog that I have seen. Sitting in USA you are just putting all this nonsense like loose motion about India. You come here and then we will talk. If you are sitting in India and still telling all these things then […]

This is not an open letter to President Obama

Because if it were, Mr. President, you’d already be reading a snarky comment about how the best way for India to get more respect from the U.S. is to either become a radical Islamic country that threatens American lives, or a communist oligarchy that threatens the American economy. We’d have such a compelling start to […]

Ganpati celebrations

(Contents of the blog September 3rd, 2021 This year Ganpati is only twenty-nine days long. The house is fully stocked up—as usual Reshma forced me to get enough food to last us three Ganpatis—the armed guards are patrolling outside, and the flags have been installed. Now I intend to relax and use these holidays […]

The Marriage Aptitude Test

It was always going to be hard for Neo to convince Mrs. Neo of his marriage-readiness, but it would have been quicker had Mrs. Neo made Neo take the following test: Write a snark-free essay on two of the following (3000+ words): My dad (your would-be father-in-law) Your emotions right now Foreplay Describe the appearance […]

Letter writing, and other polite ways to deal with crap

Respected Mr. Damodaran, As part of my neighborly endeavor to convince your kind self that your dog is the creator of the “doo doo” deposited frequently outside my front door, I have attached to this letter a set of nine photographs, one video and ten slides of my proposed presentation at the Society Meeting, tentatively […]

An important letter to my son, written during commercial breaks on TV

You didn’t cry when you were born; you just looked around the room with an expression that said, “Brighter than I expected, but whatever. Are all nurses this good-looking ? Why are y’all staring at me ? Shock laga kya?” You were Definitely Male, Born Tough, Like.No.Other. – The Best A Man Can Get. So, […]

A foreigner’s guide to traditional Hindu weddings

If you’ve just arrived from the US to attend a traditional Hindu wedding in India, you might be jet-lagged – but that’s not necessarily bad. While the other wedding guests groggily arrive at the wedding venue at 4 a.m., it will be late afternoon according to your body clock – the perfect time to enjoy […]

A beginner’s guide to understanding racism, intolerance and bigotry

Several years ago, during a party at his house in the US, Neo decided to have some fun. He convinced a couple of his white guests to hop on one foot, because that was a customary Indian way to thank the host for a great party. For once, Mrs. Neo found it funny too, except […]

Men are from Mars, Women are from Pluto

Neo’s return to India was planned somewhat better than the U.S. invasion of Iraq; his Plan was the product of several months of vigorous lurking on the Return to India forums, hours of detailed discussions with his parents in India, and had been vigorously debated, modified, and then finally adopted by the Neos via a […]

A quick overview of Indian values

Neo likes to believe that his NRI friends are eager to visit Neo because they love to listen to his “Thoughts on Critical Issues that Really Matter” speech, the same speech that Neo has prepared in case he gets invited to TED. The reality is, they visit to see how much the Neos have progressed […]

“Ke ami?” – A must-read book review of a must-read book

“A once-in-a-lifetime debut by this author.” – Debut magazine “Four out of Five bindis.” – South Asian Identity Exploring Website “I’d be on the edge of my seat if I wasn’t lying on the beach!” – reviewer. “A tour de farce!” – Neo “Ke ami” is a path-breaking novel by debutante novelist Kavya Mehta. […]

Outrage: A Survivor’s Guide to Recovery After Your Religious Sentiments Have Been Hurt

“Outrage needs to be a verb in Indian English. So when are we planning to outrage? 3:00 pm? Okay, will be there with effigy. “- @cgawker It’s your worst nightmare: you’re engaged in what seems to be a safe activity, such as visiting random websites on the Internet, reading the posts in the “Stuff That […]

Living in India tip #7: How to negotiate with vastly smarter people, such as your maid.

Moving to India has caused Neo to make 180 degree shifts in many of his core opinions (not as dramatic a shift as Neo’s boss though, who once remarked that she’d like to see the company make a 360 degree shift in direction.) Here’s one example: When he lived in the US, Neo believed that […]

A foreigner’s guide to traditional Indian dining etiquette

“Sigh. Kindly order quickly, many customer is waiting” is the official motto of The Association Of Waiters In Indian Restaurants. But don’t be fooled, dear foreigner – food is of critical importance to Indian people. Nothing binds Indians together more, and divides them more, than the belief that their specific type of Indian cuisine is […]

Mommy’s secret: The monster in my house (an essay by a 4th grader)

A really scary monster lives in my house.  The monster gets very angry when Mommy makes mistakes and doesn’t listen to him. Like once when Mommy burnt a roti, the monster got angry and threw his dinner plate at Mommy. The plate flew out of his hands as if it were under an awesome Accio […]

A letter from a guy who was killed in a recent terror attack

Dear all, Thank you for the outpouring of sympathy over my death in the recent terror attack. I’m the guy whose remains were never identified, but my car keys were found in the rubble. I wish that I never really died and that I had just decided to drop my car keys in after the […]

Useful phrases for foreigners visiting India

Are you visiting India for the first time ? Here are some phrases that you might want to learn to say in Hindi. “Where’s the restroom?” “Hi, I’d like to book a pre-paid taxi.” “Can you take me to Le Meridien?” “No, thank you. I don’t need an escort for tonight.” “Wow, you look beautiful. […]

10 things Google users really want to know about India

What’s puzzling about China’s attempts to access Gmail accounts of human rights activists is this – why go through the trouble? If the Chinese government knows which specific Gmail account to hack into, it must know who the activist is. Why not arrest the naughty fellow for driving too slowly on his bicycle and then […]

20 signs that you’ve successfully made the transition to living in India

How long can Neo call himself a “newly returned Indian” ? It’s been almost three years since he moved to India. But – as Neo said recently to one of his engineers who was denied a promotion – it’s not how long you’ve been doing it, but how well you’ve done it that counts. (Also, […]

Questions about life that seem important but are actually not: #5: “Why am I here?”

The 22nd year of a man’s life is very important because it represents the peak of his sexual virility. Which is why Neo will never forget what he was doing during the last minute of his 22nd year of life – he was saying “not tonight dear, I need to finish my Algorithms homework”. (As […]