How to be funny on Twitter

by neo

Got you to click! So now you already know that funny sells. Here’s how you can be funny and build a large following of LOLing retweeters:

You should try sexual humor before anything else in this guide. Sexual humor is guaranteed to get you lots of followers; it doesn’t require you to be aware of anything that’s happening in the world (only your own body); and, with some practice, sexual humor will become so easy you can do it with one hand in your … pocket.

(Swearing helps too. Are we giving away too much in this guide? Shit.)

Men need to be more careful than women with sexual humor. Stray away from cute and into creepy territory—and even men who have been married for years find it hard to tell the difference—and you scare away your only valuable group of followers: women.

No, it is perhaps safer for men to make fun of bulbs. A “bulb” is anyone who allows his sex drive or need for attention to become more obvious than yours. There are ready-made Twitter lists of bulbs for your snarking pleasure, or just look for people who reply to the women tweeting sexual humor. Making fun of a bulb is the best way to communicate to women that you are not a bulb.

Originality, schmoriginality. By the time you think of something original, the meme will be behind you; no one told you when to run. As long as your followers first heard it from you, it’s original to them! So copy, but in an inspired way; take the tweet (or style) of an under-followed genius and transform it into a blog post or a graphic—the originator of the idea doesn’t lose anything, and you gain. It’s not a win-win, it’s a draw-win. So get drawing, and tell the genius to stop whining.

Never show that you care. On any important issue, imagine what the leader of the “National Don’t Care” political party would say; tweet that; it’s probably funny for many. Caring is like kryptonite to your Twitter follower count. Leave honest tweeting to the unfunny newbies regaling their three followers with their “genuine” tweets.

Most important: pillory celebrities; celebrities deserve it because they are talentless people who will do anything, mimic anyone and espouse any view just to get the attention of a few more people. And what could be more hilarious?

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P.S.: Stop making fun of a celebrity once they start following you. Clearly that specific celebrity has taste.

P.P.S.: Never make fun of a Twitter humorist with more followers than you. Religiously retweet them, regardless of quality. They notice. And one mention or #ff from them will make you popular so you can write your own advice on how to be funny on Twitter.

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