The Marriage Aptitude Test
It was always going to be hard for Neo to convince Mrs. Neo of his marriage-readiness, but it would have been quicker had Mrs. Neo made Neo take the following test:
Write a snark-free essay on two of the following (3000+ words):
- My dad (your would-be father-in-law)
- Your emotions right now
- Describe the appearance of your ideal woman, starting with her shoes. Actually, just the shoes—the rest, I know.
- Critique the outfits I wore on our last 7 dates (skip the 3rd and 5th most recent dates; add more detail about the 6th.)
- Write a hypothetical conversation between you and any one of my girl-friends, where she will find you cute, endearing, sexy, funny and attractive, but not flirty; she should feel herself attracted to you, while realizing that she is definitely not your type.
- Draw a dinner fork, a teaspoon and a tablespoon. To scale.
List (all questions compulsory):
- 10 colors that are not in the rainbow, or in a box of crayons.
- 10 things you can do that my mom will find cute (bonus points for listing things that I haven’t told you).
- All our anniversaries and important days (use additional sheets if necessary).
- All festivals when you are not permitted to discuss religion, or give any variant of your “how 99% of the world’s religions are already extinct” speech.
- 10 friends—besides members of your “band”—that you think you will need to phase out of your life, once we’re married. (Do not include friends that have already been phased out.)
- Write the last joke you will ever make about my brother’s writing, clothing or preference for drinking warm water.
- Describe your favorite book of all time, and discuss how it could be improved to match Gone With The Wind.
- Describe in brief all your ex-girlfriends. Attach their pictures. All the pictures. And gifts, etc. Basically everything that’s in “the box.” Just attach the whole box.
- Under what circumstances are you permitted to lie to me ? (One word or less.)