The Marriage Aptitude Test

by neo

It was always going to be hard for Neo to convince Mrs. Neo of his marriage-readiness, but it would have been quicker had Mrs. Neo made Neo take the following test:

  1. Write a snark-free essay on two of the following (3000+ words):
    1. My dad (your would-be father-in-law)
    2. Your emotions right now
    3. Foreplay
  2. Describe the appearance of your ideal woman, starting with her shoes. Actually, just the shoes—the rest, I know.
  3. Critique the outfits I wore on our last 7 dates (skip the 3rd and 5th most recent dates; add more detail about the 6th.)
  4. Write a hypothetical conversation between you and any one of my girl-friends, where she will find you cute, endearing, sexy, funny and attractive, but not flirty; she should feel herself attracted to you, while realizing that she is definitely not your type.
  5. Draw a dinner fork, a teaspoon and a tablespoon. To scale.
  6. List (all questions compulsory):
    1. 10 colors that are not in the rainbow, or in a box of crayons.
    2. 10 things you can do that my mom will find cute (bonus points for listing things that I haven’t told you).
    3. All our anniversaries and important days (use additional sheets if necessary).
    4. All festivals when you are not permitted to discuss religion, or give any variant of your “how 99% of the world’s religions are already extinct” speech.
    5. 10 friends—besides members of your “band”—that you think you will need to phase out of your life, once we’re married. (Do not include friends that have already been phased out.)
  7. Write the last joke you will ever make about my brother’s writing, clothing or preference for drinking warm water.
  8. Describe your favorite book of all time, and discuss how it could be improved to match Gone With The Wind.
  9. Describe in brief all your ex-girlfriends. Attach their pictures. All the pictures. And gifts, etc. Basically everything that’s in “the box.” Just attach the whole box.
  10. Under what circumstances are you permitted to lie to me ? (One word or less.)
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