Men are from Mars, Women are from Pluto
by neo
Neo’s return to India was planned somewhat better than the U.S. invasion of Iraq; his Plan was the product of several months of vigorous lurking on the Return to India forums, hours of detailed discussions with his parents in India, and had been vigorously debated, modified, and then finally adopted by the Neos via a unanimous voice vote.
Here’s an excerpt from Volume 3, Page 304 of the Plan:
“Safety clause #9: It will be largely unnecessary for Mrs. Neo to drive in India, at least initially, because:
- Mrs. Neo has never driven any vehicle in India, ever – all of her driving experience has been on the wrong side of the road, and on the wrong side of the Pacific.
- Neo’s parents have already hired a reliable driver, one Mr. Venkatesh, who is licensed, able and willing to drive the Neos wherever they wish.
- On the six out of every seven days that Mr. Venkatesh is unable or unwilling to attend to his duties on account of “religious function at house saar,” Neo (who has several years of automobile driving experience in India), will be able and willing to drive the Neos wherever they wish.”
And so, naturally, 30 minutes after their arrival in India, Neo found himself in a car driven by Mrs. Neo, and Neo’s heart found itself undergoing its first stress-test.
It was one of those “Men are from Mars, Women are from Pluto” moments – yes, Pluto’s not even a planet but that’s sort of the point - that make married life such a lucrative subject for authors of self-help books; while Neo was looking forward to his freedom from driving, Mrs. Neo wanted freedom from the driver. (And also, apparently, from the Plan that she had co-authored.)
“I don’t know why you make such a big deal out of driving,” said Mrs. Neo, as the car parted a sea of two-wheeler drivers much like Moses might have, narrowly missed a watermelon cart, and went over a bump that felt like it was a living being.
For the uninitiated, here’s a quick overview of what happens on Indian roads:
- If you are a pedestrian, you could get hit by a two-wheeler or a car.
- If you drive a two-wheeler, you could get hit by a car.
- If you drive a car, you could get hit by the driver of a two-wheeler - in this specific case, an old man whose motorcycle had nearly been forced off the road and into a ditch, thanks to a sudden attempt by Mrs. Neo to avoid a harmless pothole.
The old man was more shaken than angry, and so Neo decided that he would step out of the car to help the man back onto his motorcycle, and perhaps even apologize. At that very moment, Pluto decided to exert its meager, but influential, gravitational pull – Mrs. Neo decided to step on the gas and speed away, leaving behind not just the dusty old man, but also very nearly one of Neo’s feet that was still on the road.
How should this incident shape the Neos’ future transportation strategy in India? Here are your two broad options.
- This incident is solid evidence that any deviation from the Plan is costly, and that Mrs. Neo should henceforth find other, less exciting avenues for exercising her freedom, OR
- This incident is solid evidence of Mrs. Neo’s superior temperament for Indian conditions, because she made the right decision to quickly leave the scene, preventing what could have been a very nasty altercation between Neo and the old man. Hence, if anything, this incident proves that Mrs. Neo should start driving regularly and immediately.
If you took more than even a moment to decide which of the above should apply, you know which planet, or rather, which erratic rock circling the solar system smiles on you.
*
Epilogue:
1. As Neo pulled his foot back into the rapidly speeding Neomobile, he looked back and saw that the old man had noticed Neo’s attempts to get out of the car, and had a half-smile on his face, as if he understood Neo’s predicament; it was a smile that brought some closure and peace to Neo.
2. The driving expedition ended without further incident; Neo was relieved when Mrs. Neo used the car’s turn indicator to signal the last turn before they would reach their destination (Big Bazaar). Except, instead of the turn indicator, Mrs. Neo had turned on the windshield wiper as usual, because the turn indicator is on the other side of the steering wheel in an Indian car.
:) Reminds me of when I took driving lessons when I got back from US, even though I had driven for a couple of years in India. I didnt want to try out driving in India again in my new car, for fear of scratching it. Of course I was new to Bombay and had not realised, I need not be driving the car anywhere for it to get scratched/dented!
The instructor strictly told me, when I out of habit checked the blind spot, the rear view and the side view mirror before merging onto the highway, “woh sab mat dekho, aap aage dekho, peche wale log apne aab sambhal lenge” !
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ROFL. That’s actually good advice. Indian road conditions need an attention span that does not allow the luxury to look in the rear view mirror. :)
And you shouldn’t be worried about dents until your dents start getting dents. :P
-N
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Great post ! Started following your blog recently and I am impressed. Keep up the good work.
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Thanks, Dilip. :)
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Oh wait. I forgot there is no need for folding and unfolding wing mirrors in India. Most cars’ are broken within days of the car being acquired. Those that still have wing mirrors on their cars keep them folded – for the ease of passing through width restrictors, presumably? I mean I know the UK has bollards but India has more serious restrictors such as motorbikes and other cars with folded wing mirrors, non?
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I assure you that the windshield wiper and the turn indicator are on opposite sides of the steering wheel, both in India and in the US. The fact that they are on the same side of the wheel in the UK tells us everything we need to know about the UK. :P
And yes, India’s width restrictors are called M.G. Road in most Indian cities. :P
-N
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Yes Shefaly – the indicator and wiper controls are on opposite sides of the wheel. Although just to play spoilsport I’l point out that the sides are interchanged depending on the manufacturer – Maruti and Tata have the wiper stalk on the left and indicators,light on the right. With Korean and American cars, it’s the other way round :D
“Folded wing mirrors”?? Is that some Amreeki contraption from Star Wars? I’ve been driving a good ol’ Maruti 800 for five years now – *without* the far side rear view mirror :)
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Neo:
Did you read my qualifier “in most cars; by which I mean my car and its ilk, of course!”? ;-)
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Shefaly – the turning indicator and wiper controls are on opposite sides of the wheel in my car too.
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When I moved back and took my driving lessons, my instructor said you don’t need to look at the rear view mirror that often, just look ahead and make your way. Honk as often as possible! Out of extereme fear, I never bought a car there!
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Haha .. I can totally imagine Mrs. Neo driving away to glory and I can imagine Neo’s heart in his mouth; about to emerge into the outside world. Cannot stop laughing.
By the way, make sure that in addition to her driving license, Mrs. Neo also carries her “Parking License” around in Bangalore. … wait .. WHAT? She doesn’t have one? You never heard of a parking license? I *knew* your “Plan” was incomplete. Foraging on RTI forums for this is like asking Anu Malik for advice on creating original music :P
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Dude,
What’s a parking license ?! You’re pulling my leg, right ?
-N
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Heh! Good post. :)
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Thanks :)
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When I think I plan to be in India from next month and I have to learn to drive [esp. Bangalore roads]….vultures in my stomach and not just butterflies! Quite hilarious post!
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Swami,
Have some faith, brother. Remember – a “near miss” is still a miss. :)
-N
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Hilarious! @neo_indian Men are from Mars, Women are from Pluto – http://neoindian.org/2010/06/21/men-are-from-mars-women-are-from-pluto/
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[...] Who can tell me what’s more fun? Inspired by this blog. [...]
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Driving in India is far easier than driving in the US. I have vague memories of driving in India (less than two years ago but feels like another lifetime) and I know for sure that as long as you don’t confuse the accelerator and brake, you’re good. It’s driving in the US that’s scary. There are real rules!
(can you guess which planet I’m from?)
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There are actually rules in India – it’s just not what what you would expect. Here’s one:
Inch forward rule: Even if the light is red, or there is an obstruction directly in front of you that’s obvious to everyone, you have to keep inching forward. Your inability to do so will invite honks, stares, and finally, a tap on the window by a man that will question your exact relationship with your sister.
I saw your post, and I am tempted to come up with a similar list of “rules for driving” in India. :)
-N
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Turn Indicator?
You mean those shiny orange lights on either side of the car?
Dude, psst, just so you know, while driving on Indian roads, giving the turn indicator tantamounts to a National Security Information Leak. Not to mention hurt some saffron sentiments because of… you guessed it right, the colour Orange.
But the good part is that India is a country of great apathy. If God forbid, Mrs Neo hit the old man, injured him or even worse, you can pay ‘compensation’ and get away with it.
But imagine, if she’d hit a cow.
Ram Ram.
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A long, long time ago (before I left for the U.S.), I hit this old lady while driving my bike. You would think that the crowd would mercilessly beat up this bratty guy who doesn’t know how to drive, and that the old lady will have some choice words for me.
The lady shooed away the crowd, and refused to let me take her to the doctor! I had to practically drag her, because she was struggling to walk – turned out she was okay, but I was more shaken than her!
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LOL!
Now if that was a hot young girl, you’d have evoked every alpha male gene in a radius of 5 km and forget the person you hit, even the God wouldn’t be able to save you from a thrashing.
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Keeping all these possibilities in mind, we have decided to buy a sad, slow car for me, when we get back to Bangalore :) That way the possibility of every dent causing husband a near-heart attack is avoided :) And hopefully, no uncles on the roads will be hit too hard either.
But yes, Mrs Neo seems perfectly in control on Indian roads:) That is the only way to get where you want to.
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Good luck with your sad, slow car. Just don’t drive it in front of ours. :P
-N
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:) LOL!!!
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My cousin just returned after spending like a decade in the States and he gives me a tiny heart attack every time he takes over the wheel.
But, please let Mrs Neo drive. She is purr-fect for Indian roads. Try these handy tips from Delhi. I think you can adjust accordingly geographically.
http://advitiya.blogspot.com/2009/09/delhi-driving.html
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Let Mrs. Neo drive ? That’s easy for you to say, given that you’re in Delhi. :P
-Neo
PS: Nice post btw.
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It’ll make driving a new experience plus will give us a lot of laughs :-)
Thanks!
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Now that I’ve come across your post and have the obligation to advise you as a true Indian Indian, here are few points
* Using Indicators is a manly thing, which means its not womanly, its not taxi-driverly, so ur wife need not do that, but u got to.
* While on road, your primary job is NOT to drive, but to safeguard autos, cyclists, pedestrians, cats, dogs, kids ok ‘basically’, anything alive. Its your social responsibility I tell you, and if you are a corporate guy, add it to your corporate social responsibility as well.
* Sign boards are ‘good-to-have’ kind of things, never trust them, never read them, and if you accidentally do both of the above out of habit, never follow them. Now if the question is then what should you follow, answer is ‘ur gut feeling’
* Driving during school hours – Children and their caretakers are perpetually late for the bus that will always stop only at the opposite side of their residence, so ensure your job while driving during school hours is to protect them and nothing else
* If you see a vehicle with red light on top honking constantly from behind you, GIVE WAY, its the wife of Chairman of Dung, Shit and Other Odor Emitting Substances Corporation going to the shopping district to buy him apparels and its very important here for all our dungy chairmen to have new pair of everything everyday ‘coz the corporations are in deep ‘$hit’ all the time
Ok, I shall further advise you next time,
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Excellent tips – I shall pass them on to Mr. Venkatesh. :P
-Neo
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Excellent post.
I’ve decided that I do not have the temperament to drive in India and, as a result, I’m resigned to missing driving more than anything else when I move there from London. Aside from my family. Of course.
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Dipan,
Even if you don’t want to drive on a regular basis, you should still get the hang of it – you never know when the skill might come in handy.
-N
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ROFL dude Im showing this to the better half! She drives in US only there is a 520 bridge with water on road level both sides all shernipan vanishes when shes on it! Mrs neo has company.
You’r hilarious!
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Are you in the midwestern cornfields? Every time it pisses down here the place resembles Bombay in high monsoon!
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I never believed women were from Venus.
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Neo,
Was an ok fun read … but I could hardly wait to finish to get to the comments to see what this post does to your feminist karma points. so far you’re holding up ok and not getting any flak…. will check in later
:-)
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Jai_C,
I think I’ve earned enough brownie points through my other posts to take a jab at the ladies once in a while. Just to keep them real, you know :P
-Neo
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You forget to mention proficiency in the local language to get away from the cops :). I was in Bombay once with a mate and got pulled over by a copper, for going up a wrong way. My friend, got me out of the car to speak Marathi with the cop, who was clearly not impressed with my British accented Marathi and promptly doubled the requested bribe!
Anyways you fellers have to appreciate all the cows and natural impediments on India’s streets, the act as natural stop signs!
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Pluto IS still a planet. Only four percent of the IAU voted on the controversial demotion, and most are not planetary scientists. Their decision was immediately opposed in a formal petition by hundreds of professional astronomers led by Dr. Alan Stern, Principal Investigator of NASA’s New Horizons mission to Pluto. One reason the IAU definition makes no sense is it says dwarf planets are not planets at all! That is like saying a grizzly bear is not a bear, and it is inconsistent with the use of the term “dwarf” in astronomy, where dwarf stars are still stars, and dwarf galaxies are still galaxies. Also, the IAU definition classifies objects solely by where they are while ignoring what they are. If Earth were in Pluto’s orbit, according to the IAU definition, it would not be a planet either. A definition that takes the same object and makes it a planet in one location and not a planet in another is essentially useless. Pluto is a planet because it is spherical, meaning it is large enough to be pulled into a round shape by its own gravity–a state known as hydrostatic equilibrium and characteristic of planets, not of shapeless asteroids held together by chemical bonds. These reasons are why many astronomers, lay people, and educators are either ignoring the demotion entirely or working to get it overturned.
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heh. can’t help liking this random spam comment. it tickles the funny bone! :P
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Hahaha
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ROFL!
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Hilarious blog post from a funny man @neo_indian http://bit.ly/ctZx8c Men are from Mars, Women are from Pluto.
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Nice post, as usual. Have been a leecher for long( the only person from South East Asia to have read all the posts in archive in a span of 2 days), now will be a commenter! :)
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Half Plate Chilly Chicken,
I’m glad you delurked. And, I think you’ve read more posts on this blog than I have! :P
-Neo
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Hi Neo,
Just wanted to say that I discovered your site 2 nights ago (I know, I dont know why so late) but then sat up till 3 AM reading all the archives. You are brilliant (and I’m sure you already know it, but thought I’d add my mite). Amazing writing.
Not to mention, I am one of the thousands of Indians in the Bay Area who want to go back but are split in two :)
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Rachna,
When we were moving back, we were actually split in three:
1. Stay in the US
2. Move to my hometown
3. Move to Mrs. Neo’s hometown
Needless to say, we ended up doing neither of the above – we moved to Bangalore. :P
-N
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Ha! I sympathize with the missus. I used to *constantly* flick on the wipers over the dry glass much to my driving instructor’s irritation over my foreign sensibilities. And the one time I was making small talk with him talking about how I was looking to buy an automatic-transmission vehicle, he shot back “Oh – that’s just for handicapped people ma!” I was too shocked to react! :) Great post.
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You have been tagged to write about SAGS – your Sins Against Gender Stereotypes, http://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com/2010/06/30/my-sins-against-gender-stereotypes/
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LOL!
I immediately answered #2!
Personally, I can’t wait to start driving here in India. I just know that Mr. Bear will enjoy my mad driving skillz. Probably about as much as I’ve enjoyed riding pillion on his bike.
Hurray and bring on the I10! :)
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Men are from Mars, Women are from Pluto – http://neoindian.org/2010/06/21/men-are-from-mars-women-are-from-pluto/
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just stumbled across your blog again & have been sifting through the archives. This particular post for ROFL so just wanted to give a shout out! Please keep writing!
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jubes,
Thanks!!
-Neo
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Check out if Mrs Neo is ready for driving in NCR?
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Men are from Mars, Women are from “Venus”..
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Hi Shivani,
Thanks for the correction. :)
-Neo
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