Outrage: A Survivor’s Guide to Recovery After Your Religious Sentiments Have Been Hurt
by neo
“Outrage needs to be a verb in Indian English. So when are we planning to outrage? 3:00 pm? Okay, will be there with effigy. “- @cgawker
It’s your worst nightmare: you’re engaged in what seems to be a safe activity, such as visiting random websites on the Internet, reading the posts in the “Stuff That Might Hurt Your Religious Sentiments” mailing list, or just plain old checking out pictures of women, when it all goes horribly wrong: you see something that (yes, it’s okay to face it and say the words) hurts your religious sentiments.
Yes, one moment you are sitting there munching on a pakoda, and now it’s like your whole life is destroyed. Everything you were taught, everything you believed in, your entire religion is now in tatters.
What do you do next ? Stop munching on that pakoda ? Give up your religion and join the enemy ? Do your taxes ? Stop looking at pictures of women on the Internet ?
It is shocking that in 2010 the Armed Forces stand ready to protect us against relatively minor physical harm such as losing our lives, but there is no protection against what is perhaps the gravest injury of all – being offended.
To help people who have suffered injuries to their religious sentiments, we have formed the “Religious Sentiment Injury Support Group”. We conduct regular, extensive, expensive and expansive seminars throughout the country, all of which consist of reading out the contents of this guide.
So what can you do when (and not if!) your religious sentiments are hurt? Let’s begin! The most important thing is …
1. Don’t panic: It might seem like the world is coming to an end sooner (or later?) than your religion predicted, but don’t panic (unless you’ve sinned, in which case, you have a lot more to worry about than the painting of a dove licking the carcass of a goat.) Studies show that many of our customers make a quick and full recovery. If you follow our instructions closely, you might be able to resume your normal diet within minutes of the Injury. Some lucky people have reported being able to watch an entire cricket match on the very same day as the Injury. Yes, you too can survive this. But first, …
2. Check your vital signs: Do you feel any physical pain ? If you are experiencing pain in your lower back, it may be that you are leaning too far forward in your chair while reading this guide. Please, sit with a straight back. Your religious sentiment will soon be healed, but back problems can last a long, long time. Now that you’re seated comfortably, you need to …
3. Spread the word: Using the power of the Internet, and your right to free speech (and free email accounts), send the offensive material to as many people as you can. This does have the unfortunate side-effect of hurting the sentiments of a lot more people than just yourself, but it helps increase our customer base! But we are not all about business. We care deeply about you, because …
4. You are not a victim, you are a survivor: You are a man of True Faith, and you can never be wrong, because you know all about Truth, Peace and all the other Words That Look Important Just By Being Capitalized. So you need to stop victimizing yourself, think like a survivor, and most importantly …
5. Think about God: Not that you ever stop thinking about God, but think harder now. Can you imagine what it must be like to be an all-powerful, all-knowing and infinitely wise God and yet be powerless to stop someone drawing a naked picture of someone else, or (hold on to your chair) the image of a triangle within a circle? Even God has that special place on his back that he can’t scratch. Your religious text probably has some text along the lines of “Bring The Whole Damn Country To Its Knees If You Feel Offended”. Yes, dear survivor, it is now time to …
6. Outrage: But first, we recommend eating a hearty meal, because outraging can consume lots of calories. Once you’re done eating, please find a convenient Outrage location using our website, and while you’re logged in, don’t forget to buy an appropriate effigy from our well-stocked online store. (For a limited time, we are offering our “easy-ignite solution” free with our effigies – just press the button to ignite, no matches needed!) Then head to the Outrage, where you can exercise your constitutional right to individual freedom by doing exactly what your Religious And Cultural Leader, or really, Anyone With A Megaphone tells you to do. And once you’re done outraging, …
7. You can relax and unwind: Outraging is hard work, and you’ve earned your right to relax. Leave cleaning up after your Outrage to other people. The country will be fine without the buses that you burnt. Okay, maybe some people were injured. Or killed. Whatever. It’s called Sacrifice – God’s way of scratching his itch. Don’t worry about it. Do something that takes your mind off the Injury. Take a nap, or watch a movie. Or, maybe, just unwind by surfing the Internet.
*
Please consider supporting us by buying one of our bestselling books: “How To Outrage”, “How To Be A Culture Warrior In Your Spare Time Or Whenever There’s Nothing On TV”, or “Relationship Guide For Weekend Vedic Warriors: Does She Really Need to Know What You Do Online ?”.
PS: Many have reported that they are unable to access our “Religious Sentiment Injury Support” page because it has been banned. This ban is outrageous and is a mockery of all those who have suffered the injustice of having their religious sentiments hurt. To protest, we are meeting today at 3pm (right after the cricket game, weather permitting) to burn the effigy of the Man Who Burnt Our Effigy. Entrance is free, but you might need to pay to exit.
Update: The protest has been postponed because our Effigy Manufacturer is closed today to protest against the vandalism that occurred at their factory last week. This is an outrage!
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[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Neo, gawker, vipul kocher, Neeraj, neverknown and others. neverknown said: RT @neo_indian: New post: Outrage: A Survivor’s Guide to Recovery After Your Religious Sentiments Have Been Hurt http://bit.ly/9vweJ9 [...]
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Coming soon to disturb the peace near you
‘How to Outrage Outrage Workshops”
Step by step guide on how to chose the outrage that’s right for you, Outraging in History, Outraging around the world and Fashion Outrage: a what not to wear guide by our special guest host Mr. Hindu Moral Policeman.
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v,
ROFL. Also, “Outrage tourism”.
-N
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‘Outrage Tourism’ sounds good. Anybody who chooses ‘Mr Hindu Moral Policeman Outrage’ must stick to burning pink chaddies, because it’s still illegal try to take the ‘law in their own hands’ even if they see women dancing and having fun.
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I don’t mean this tongue-in-cheek, but I hope for some sort of breakthrough 3D technology that will allow the Outragers to express their outrage virtually. They get to have their virtual burning effigy seen potentially by billions of people, and we get mundane things like the use of our roads and buses..
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LMAO!
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Followed all your instructions in the order you have listed, not the order you have recommended. At every step you say “first do this” but I have already done the preceding step and am at complete loss if my outrage is going to be cured or get worse. Please put in right sequence to be followed.
Did you write the Windows7 installation manual, I see some familiarity in instructions for upgrade section …
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Please kindly to call our helpline. But first, make sure you have Windows 7.
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we are living in the age of twitter. just like it offers a shortcut to everything from fame and expertise to love and philanthrophy, it is also the best platform to showcase outrage. if all else fails or if you dont have the time to burn a bus, create a hashtag on twitter. ideally words such as sucks, die, resign and kill should be a part of it. in addition to allowing you to identify co-outragers, it also helps you manufacture new outrage while you recycle the old one.
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Surekha,
Yes, Twitter outrages are fun, e.g. “Google Buzz (or Facebook) Privacy Boo Boo”. I mean, I get that people are upset, but in the grand scheme of things, really ? Outrageous ?
-N
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Clever as always. well written.
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Thanks :)
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GREAT ARTICLE AS ALWAYS!!!
i wish i can write (and think) like you too!!!!!
mandiro mein bhajan
masjido mein azaaa
insaa.n hai kaha……..
keep writing.
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Thanks for your encouragement, drszman. :)
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Whew! For a little while there I thought I was going to be too lazy to participate, but then I saw you’re now offering easy-ignite effigies – now that’s the kind of outrage I can get behind.
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Megan – anything to make outraging easier. :)
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Pray the ones whose religious sentiments are hurt ,will be healed soon :)….. Nice post with satire..
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lol… nice:) i like the sarcasm here
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Thanks Sumit
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I am outraged.
On a non-effigy note, great piece. Enjoyed reading it.
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Thanks! :)
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“Outrage needs to be a verb in Indian English”..completely agree. I am outraged that it isn’t!!
You forgot to mention that “outragers” are also available for hire in case you really need to watch that cricket match.
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I wish people would even outsource the “being hurt” part.
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“1. Don’t panic: It might seem like the world is coming to an end sooner (or later?) than your religion predicted”
“5. Think about God: Not that you ever stop thinking about God, but think harder now. ”
My friend, you are just a genius. Love it. I’m outraged at how I pale in comparison to your genius. I will burn your genius in effigy, but I will secretly inhale the smoke just in case it’s contagious.
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Thanks for the encouragement, Dave. That’s one of the nicest compliments my writing has gotten. :)
-N
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I agree with Dave. Loved those lines!!! Shared this post on my Reader (in Buzz). Let me retweet it too.
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Thanks!! :) :)
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Oh this manual has many applications. Heard the latest one? I think the Censor Board/ruling party used it to handle their outrage at EVM manipulation shown in next week’s release Rajneeti!
You should ask them for royalty, dude!
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meetu,
Good point. Religious outrage is not the only form of outrage, but it is our highest selling product-line. :)
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Your easy ignite effigies are a great innovation. But I have a request. Can you please also start selling reusable effigies? Disposable ones aren’t good for the environment.
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Rajesh,
I almost got kicked out of a religious ceremony for sharing sentiments like yours. Here’s the story:
So it was one of those regular “havans” at a friend’s wedding. After the ceremony was over (i.e. the bride/groom/priest etc had left the havan area and gone off for lunch), I noticed that the flames were still burning, and some of the wood was untouched by the flames.
In an attempt to save the unused wood (and the planet from unnecessary smoke), I took the help of a couple of like-minded guys and put out the flames.
Just as we were done, the bride’s father walked in.
I will let your imagination run wild on what happened next.
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One of the funniest essays of our generation: http://bit.ly/b9GG2R by @neo_indian He rules!
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Now now, you wouldn’t be exporting these effigies would you? Theres a killing to be made in the Tea party country. Also would your “easy to burn” effigy be classified as a fire cracker? Its considered too dangerous in the land of lincoln, a shoot em up effigy which I could perhaps shred with my gatling gun on the other hand is perfectly kosher though!
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We’ve given some thought to the export market, but tt’s very hard to compete with Fox News. I hear they can digitally add effigies to the footage of protests. Our hand-made effigies can’t compete with that kind of technology.
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Brilliant, just brilliant.
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What do folks like us who have no religious sentiments outrage against? We wanna be part of the fun!
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pick one! no pain no gain!
I guess safest bet for perpetual outrage is Scientology since everyone is bound to take a piss out of your book :). Only catch is $200 something you need to spend on their personality tests!
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Vikrant,
While on the subject of Scientology, I was reading this article about Ramakrishna Paramhansa (long story), and I ran across this quote of his: “All religions (are) true”.
-N
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RT @delhistruggle: One of the funniest essays of our generation: http://bit.ly/b9GG2R by @neo_indian He rules!
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RT @delhistruggle: One of the funniest essays of our generation: http://bit.ly/b9GG2R by @neo_indian He rules!
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Dear Neo,
You have outraged my religious sentiments (or lack thereof), by coming up with such an excellent piece of writing that I can only dream of emulating. I hereby declare outrage against you. I will be burning your effigy .. err wait. .. no – I cannot do that; I don’t even know what you look like.
Hmm .. this is a dilemma now .. “dharam-sankat”. How in the name of Adolf Hitler am I going to express my outrage? Ah I know.. I will add one more point to your list of steps to follow.
8. Tit for Tat Dig deep to figure out what religion the person who hurt your sentiments follows. Then, go ahead and pay him/her/them back in the same coin by desecrating one of their holy symbols. This will work like a charm .. unless they do not follow any religion; in which case you go ahead and desecrate Neo – since he is sure to be their God :D
What would the world be without “revenge tactics” eh?
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Kiran,
ROFL. I’d love to write a piece that outrages someone’s lack of religious sentiments. Oh wait, that’s pretty much every holy book ever. :)
And about revenge: Religion is the world’s oldest competitive sport, isn’t it ? Almost all religions now defend their fallacies and injustices by pointing out (allegedly) greater fallacies and injustices in other religions..
-N
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Once in a blue moon a piece of writing comes by which inspires me, and this is one such piece. I bow down to you! Truly.
Blogrolling you of course
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Thanks for your encouraging words. This piece was sitting in my drafts folder for several months (I wrote it during the last “Outrage” – I forget which). I’m glad I dusted it out and finally published it. :)
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Great piece of satire! This would do really well in the hands of a professional comedian, but we don’t really have bold comedians in India :(
Also, it seems that an atheist like me is seriously deprived of the right to get morally outraged. If others can get outraged over their gods, can’t I get outraged against something??
I want me rights s’all I’m sayin brother!
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I think the problem with atheists is that we prefer to express our outrage via the written word rather than a burning effigy.
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Well a very good post to mock the “Fanatics” and there are really many of them these days on the internet.
And as far as the believers are concerned they wont/shouldnt be angry as they know that this life and God has a bigger meaning than stop people from drawing nude pics on net! :D
On a side note- Atheists and Theists are in the same boat. Theists can’t be 100% sure that there is God as they havent experienced him. Atheists cant be 100% sure either that there is no God! There is a very interesting story about Gautama Buddha on this concept but maybe too long to write it here. Anyways some other place some other time. :)
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Sanchit,
Just because something can’t be disproven doesn’t make it likely. For e.g., some dude walks up to you and said “God appeared to me in a dream and wants you to hand me over all your money.”
What you feel after hearing that is exactly what Atheists feel towards all religion – disbelief.
Also, the onus of proving that God exists (or that he appeared to an individual in a dream) is on the individual who claims it to be true, not on the rest of humanity that is busy laughing hysterically.
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I’m due to attend a Very Serious and Important meeting in a few minutes. I shouldn’t have read your blog before that!
Loved your last few posts – expecially the Maid one.
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