Outrage: A Survivor’s Guide to Recovery After Your Religious Sentiments Have Been Hurt

by neo

“Outrage needs to be a verb in Indian English. So when are we planning to outrage? 3:00 pm? Okay, will be there with effigy. “- @cgawker

It’s your worst nightmare: you’re engaged in what seems to be a safe activity, such as visiting random websites on the Internet, reading the posts in the “Stuff That Might Hurt Your Religious Sentiments” mailing list, or just plain old checking out pictures of women, when it all goes horribly wrong: you see something that (yes, it’s okay to face it and say the words) hurts your religious sentiments.

Yes, one moment you are sitting there munching on a pakoda, and now it’s like your whole life is destroyed. Everything you were taught, everything you believed in, your entire religion is now in tatters.

What do you do next ? Stop munching on that pakoda ? Give up your religion and join the enemy ? Do your taxes ? Stop looking at pictures of women on the Internet ?

It is shocking that in 2010 the Armed Forces stand ready to protect us against relatively minor physical harm such as losing our lives, but there is no protection against what is perhaps the gravest injury of all – being offended.

To help people who have suffered injuries to their religious sentiments, we have formed the “Religious Sentiment Injury Support Group”. We conduct regular, extensive, expensive and expansive seminars throughout the country, all of which consist of reading out the contents of this guide.

So what can you do when (and not if!) your religious sentiments are hurt? Let’s begin! The most important thing is …

1. Don’t panic: It might seem like the world is coming to an end sooner (or later?) than your religion predicted, but don’t panic (unless you’ve sinned, in which case, you have a lot more to worry about than the painting of a dove licking the carcass of a goat.) Studies show that many of our customers make a quick and full recovery. If you follow our instructions closely, you might be able to resume your normal diet within minutes of the Injury. Some lucky people have reported being able to watch an entire cricket match on the very same day as the Injury. Yes, you too can survive this. But first, …

2. Check your vital signs: Do you feel any physical pain ? If you are experiencing pain in your lower back, it may be that you are leaning too far forward in your chair while reading this guide. Please, sit with a straight back. Your religious sentiment will soon be healed, but back problems can last a long, long time. Now that you’re seated comfortably, you need to …

3. Spread the word: Using the power of the Internet, and your right to free speech (and free email accounts), send the offensive material to as many people as you can. This does have the unfortunate side-effect of hurting the sentiments of a lot more people than just yourself, but it helps increase our customer base! But we are not all about business. We care deeply about you, because …

4. You are not a victim, you are a survivor: You are a man of True Faith, and you can never be wrong, because you know all about Truth, Peace and all the other Words That Look Important Just By Being Capitalized. So you need to stop victimizing yourself, think like a survivor, and most importantly …

5. Think about God: Not that you ever stop thinking about God, but think harder now. Can you imagine what it must be like to be an all-powerful, all-knowing and infinitely wise God and yet be powerless to stop someone drawing a naked picture of someone else, or (hold on to your chair) the image of a triangle within a circle? Even God has that special place on his back that he can’t scratch. Your religious text probably has some text along the lines of “Bring The Whole Damn Country To Its Knees If You Feel Offended”. Yes, dear survivor, it is now time to …

6. Outrage: But first, we recommend eating a hearty meal, because outraging can consume lots of calories. Once you’re done eating, please find a convenient Outrage location using our website, and while you’re logged in, don’t forget to buy an appropriate effigy from our well-stocked online store. (For a limited time, we are offering our “easy-ignite solution” free with our effigies – just press the button to ignite, no matches needed!) Then head to the Outrage, where you can exercise your constitutional right to individual freedom by doing exactly what your Religious And Cultural Leader, or really, Anyone With A Megaphone tells you to do. And once you’re done outraging, …

7. You can relax and unwind: Outraging is hard work, and you’ve earned your right to relax. Leave cleaning up after your Outrage to other people. The country will be fine without the buses that you burnt. Okay, maybe some people were injured. Or killed. Whatever. It’s called Sacrifice – God’s way of scratching his itch. Don’t worry about it. Do something that takes your mind off the Injury. Take a nap, or watch a movie. Or, maybe, just unwind by surfing the Internet.

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Please consider supporting us by buying one of our bestselling books: “How To Outrage”, “How To Be A Culture Warrior In Your Spare Time Or Whenever There’s Nothing On TV”, or “Relationship Guide For Weekend Vedic Warriors: Does She Really Need to Know What You Do Online ?”.

PS: Many have reported that they are unable to access our “Religious Sentiment Injury Support” page because it has been banned. This ban is outrageous and is a mockery of all those who have suffered the injustice of having their religious sentiments hurt. To protest, we are meeting today at 3pm (right after the cricket game, weather permitting) to burn the effigy of the Man Who Burnt Our Effigy. Entrance is free, but you might need to pay to exit.

Update: The protest has been postponed because our Effigy Manufacturer is closed today to protest against the vandalism that occurred at their factory last week. This is an outrage!

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