The sign outside Neo’s office cube
Thank you for visiting my cube. I am very friendly, but please: before you knock, slap me on my back, attempt to strangulate me to gain my attention, or pull out my earphones from my ears, please read this:
1. I have the same calendar system as you – so I probably already know I’m late for the meeting. If you still see me here, it’s because if I don’t fix this, I’m getting fired, which will make me even more late for the meeting.
2. If I want you to read the email I’m typing, you will know it very soon because I’ll include you in the Cc list, thus enabling you to read the email in the comfort of your own cube.
3. My son has a pretty busy playdate calendar already. But he might make an exception if you have a daughter.
4. If your group discussion does not involve me, I beg you to take it to a conference room. You will know I have lost interest in the discussion when I swivel my chair away from you and put on my earphones.
5. No, I wasn’t interviewing when I took the day off.
6. I got your Facebook request. Unlike our product, Facebook is quite reliable.
7. I make less money than you.
8. Congratulations on your birthday, new car, new wife, anniversary, kids birthday, your in-laws moving out, your cute neighbor’s husband going on a long trip overseas, or your new maid. I’m really happy for you but I really can’t eat any more sweets for the next five years.
9. I love to write, and I love to read. However, I do not like to read your religious, sorry, “spiritual” newsletter. But thanks for taking the time to print me a color copy using the office printer.
10. I have no special knowledge of where my neighbor is. Your guess is as good as mine.
11. I have Airtel.
12. Don’t tell me. I’m just this guy. Tell the Lok Sabha, President Obama, Lalit Modi, your wife, or your dog, depending on what it is.
13. I am agnostic about MBAs.
14. I really can’t do justice to open-ended questions like “so what are you working on nowadays?”. Mostly because I don’t know the answer. Nor does my boss.
15. I’m glad you found a new use for whipped cream and grapes. My sex life is very boring in comparison to yours.
16. Chances are, I’ve already had my breakfast, post-breakfast tea break, pre-lunch snack, lunch, post-lunch walk, and my post-lunch tea break.
17. The rumors are true. I have successfully sued several people for inserting a USB stick into my computer without asking me.
18. Your last “casual office friends party” was so much fun, it almost resulted in my wife leaving me. So, thanks but no.
19. I have no plans to go back to the US as of now. I promise to update this document if that changes.
20. You may touch anything in my cube, or, depending on your overall attractiveness, any part of my body. But please, please do not touch my screen with your greasy hands.