The sign outside Neo’s office cube
by neo
Thank you for visiting my cube. I am very friendly, but please: before you knock, slap me on my back, attempt to strangulate me to gain my attention, or pull out my earphones from my ears, please read this:
1. I have the same calendar system as you – so I probably already know I’m late for the meeting. If you still see me here, it’s because if I don’t fix this, I’m getting fired, which will make me even more late for the meeting.
2. If I want you to read the email I’m typing, you will know it very soon because I’ll include you in the Cc list, thus enabling you to read the email in the comfort of your own cube.
3. My son has a pretty busy playdate calendar already. But he might make an exception if you have a daughter.
4. If your group discussion does not involve me, I beg you to take it to a conference room. You will know I have lost interest in the discussion when I swivel my chair away from you and put on my earphones.
5. No, I wasn’t interviewing when I took the day off.
6. I got your Facebook request. Unlike our product, Facebook is quite reliable.
7. I make less money than you.
8. Congratulations on your birthday, new car, new wife, anniversary, kids birthday, your in-laws moving out, your cute neighbor’s husband going on a long trip overseas, or your new maid. I’m really happy for you but I really can’t eat any more sweets for the next five years.
9. I love to write, and I love to read. However, I do not like to read your religious, sorry, “spiritual” newsletter. But thanks for taking the time to print me a color copy using the office printer.
10. I have no special knowledge of where my neighbor is. Your guess is as good as mine.
11. I have Airtel.
12. Don’t tell me. I’m just this guy. Tell the Lok Sabha, President Obama, Lalit Modi, your wife, or your dog, depending on what it is.
13. I am agnostic about MBAs.
14. I really can’t do justice to open-ended questions like “so what are you working on nowadays?”. Mostly because I don’t know the answer. Nor does my boss.
15. I’m glad you found a new use for whipped cream and grapes. My sex life is very boring in comparison to yours.
16. Chances are, I’ve already had my breakfast, post-breakfast tea break, pre-lunch snack, lunch, post-lunch walk, and my post-lunch tea break.
17. The rumors are true. I have successfully sued several people for inserting a USB stick into my computer without asking me.
18. Your last “casual office friends party” was so much fun, it almost resulted in my wife leaving me. So, thanks but no.
19. I have no plans to go back to the US as of now. I promise to update this document if that changes.
20. You may touch anything in my cube, or, depending on your overall attractiveness, any part of my body. But please, please do not touch my screen with your greasy hands.
*
Pt. 9- Worst form of Xerox Subsidy!
However, you dont take into account such entities as the blind and the illiterate.
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They should force a watermark on each page of printed paper “A tree died for this”
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Brilliant! My fave is #8. You missed out “prasad from visiting Tirupati” :)
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#8 and not everynoe likes banana chips…
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@Vishy: Oh yeah, it’s so hard to refuse Prasaad without seeming like a vampire.
@shubh: Yeah, what’s up with the banana chips ? Is this like a Bangalore thing ? I worked in Pune before, and no one got banana chips.
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The banana chips is a more konkani thing, and I guess they get those from Mangalore or other coastal areas in Bangalore. I even noticed more Hot Chips outlets in Bangalore. Maybe that’s the secret!
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Near Bangalore, I meant.
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Hilarious as usual. :D
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Sonia, thanks :)
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Being a sometime-MBA I am interested in the blog rebranding that may result from 19. coming to pass some time. If you don’t blog about it, I will come to your cubicle and ask you when you are late for a meeting, or worse, for picking your kid up from the child minder’s. Oh wait.. ;-)
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Shefaly,
I don’t mean to offend, but I do need to state for the record that you’re a Ph.D. as well. On the flip side, your sense of humor is still remarkably intact. :P
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21. Before you attack my lunch box again, kindly refer to the rate card on the notice board or the intranet.
22. The next person to ask me when is the party will be the one paying for it.
23. I am thrilled to be in your chosen list of ten people that you almost always forward chain emails with inbuilt curses to, but next time please try our boss instead.
mm..this is fun!
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Surekha,
Do you get those urban myths mails too ? Like someone died from touching the petrol pump dispenser, or someone got electrocuted thanks to his mobile phone ?
-N
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Neo,
Adding on
24) I had a great weekend. I did not do anything at all. This is my plan for every other weekend. Thanks.
25) Good to know about your recent holiday in Pattaya. If interested, I will ask you how romantic it was. See you soon.
26) I know your son is the smartest kid in his class, but spare me from his love for Maths and the marks he scored in English.
-Nikhil
PS: There are lots. Lots.
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Nikhil,
ROFL. Gosh, you’re right – this can be a whole blog by itself.
-N
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27) If you wanted to know what I was listening to, why don’t you ping me instead of making me take the headphones off and answer you.
28) If I wanted to know what you were listening to, I would ping you for sure. No need to test the limits of the volume button.
29) My runner cupboard does not like taking the butt marks of anyone, so please do not ask if you can borrow that as a seat
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Rajiv,
I liked 29 the best. I think it’s best to offer them a towel to wipe after they’re done sitting. “Clean up after yourself dude, I’m not your mom.”
-N
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I have a floating text screensaver that says ‘Get Lost’ everytime I’m taken away for more than 30 seconds. Doesn’t work.
The very concept of ‘personal space’ does not exist. And familiarity is absolute from the moment you’re introduced.
Love this. Will share it. And buy the Poster too if you make it.
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±,
If you’re single, keep in mind that being married does not save you from intrusion. I’m regularly asked, “so how come only one child?”
-N
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Wow…seriously?? No I mean….seriously??
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30. I am not the in house chemist. Questions pertaining to availability of any medicines will be ignored.
31.If i gave a print command, i will collect it. Please refrain from calling out from the end of the corridor to check if it is mine.
This is fun!
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in love with my life,
Seriously ? People asked you for medicines ? Ok that’s a new one – but out with the truth, how did you get to be the chemist ?
-N
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Errr…I do carry basic medicines- as part of the ” what i may need to survive in case of eventuality ” kit.
But why assume that women= availability of crocin/ saridon etc..beats me!
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Quite good.
Most of them universal at work. And Nikhil is so bang on with his additions. And Surekha’s last point.
Maybe I should now take a print-out of this post using the office printer and pass on to others :P
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Poonam,
Instead of the poster, you can do what I do – be unshaven and walk with a limp. Ok, forget the unshaven part. How about seriously disheveled hair ?
-N
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Saar,
Your poster is cute and all that, but when no one’s looking, would you kindly return that highlighter you used for #17 to the stationery room?
Also, I found some smudged copies of this in the printer tray. Since this doesn’t say anywhere that your son isn’t an artist, I got all spare paper for him to draw on the blank side (while you draw a blank on the side).
Many thanks.
PS: Have you noticed, ever since you put this poster up, all our esteemed colleagues have stopped bringing grapes in their lunch box?
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Yes, and now all the women are giggling at me. Not that they didn’t before the post.
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Erm, planning to sell this as posters? In sizes 1024 x 768, 800 x 600, etc.?
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LOL. Maybe.
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hehee…this is hilarious :)
Colleagues are so nosy and pretend that they care about you.All the while holding a dagger to stab you in the back.
About greasy fingers touching the screen…less said the better.
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Lazy Pineapple,
I swear this is true. This woman walks in to my cube with her hands full of food, then casually wipes it on a paper napkin, and STARTS TYPING ON MY KEYBOARD.
If she wasn’t my boss I’d tell her exactly what I thought of that.
-N
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[...] The sign outside Neo’s office cube | neoIndian – Confessions of a newly returned Indian Thank you for visiting my cube. I am very friendly, but please: before you knock, slap me on my back, attempt to strangulate me to gain my attention, or pull out my earphones from my ears, please read this: 1. I have the same calendar system as you – so I probably already know I’m late for the meeting. If you still see me here, it’s because if I don’t fix this, I’m getting fired, which will make me even more late for the meeting. 2. If I want you to read the email I’m typing, you will know it very soon because I’ll include you in the Cc list, thus enabling you to read the email in the comfort of your own cube. 14. I really can’t do justice to open-ended questions like “so what are you working on nowadays?”. Mostly because I don’t know the answer. Nor does my boss. 19. I have no plans to go back to the US as of now. I promise to update this document if that changes. (tags: office business work workplace humor satire india nri) [...]
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Saar, neenga engeyo poyiteenge. Will let you know when I find the meaning of that line. :))
No Grapes in the lunch box. You can never trust these colleagues.
As for #9, can you please CC it to 10 people and lord will give you more such great ideas.
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Yes, it is ironic indeed that one of the earliest religious symbolds was a pyramid. :)
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ROFL
- So how’s it going? It’s fine. It was busy last night but it’s going nowhere right now.
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When someone asks me “how’s it going”, I’m tempted to say “you know, let’s go to a conference room.”
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http://neoindian.org/2010/03/12/the-sign-outside-neos-office-cube/ #amazing @neo_indian I love the point “I’m agnostic abt MBAs”…ROTFL..
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Abhor screen touchers! I wish they had screens that deliver a static-like shock to violators.
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I’d buy three of those.
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I think #8 was my favourite, haha. As usual, a good read, Neo. Glad to be back here again!
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Yes, but where have you been ? Have you been reading all those other crappy blogs ? :P
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This was totally brilliant!
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Thanks!
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I just so understand the the last point…..i get dirty looks frm ppl wen i ask them not to touch the screen!!
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I keep a huge bottle of cleaner next to the screen, and immediately after someone touches it, I stop talking and spend the next 2 minutes cleaning it. Sends a strong message.
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[...] : Neo Indian What : The sign outside Neo’s office cube Spicy : This post is creating waves as this post is one of the best from Neo Indian’s stable. [...]
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#21 For the single kinds- Please don’t ask caste, gotra and family details. I am not interested in this great second cousin’s son of your lovely daughter-in-law.
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cusoon,
My favorite family detail question was (verbatim from an email during my single days), “in case your father is no longer, please give details of brother or uncle”.
-N
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Yes, I know you know I am writing an email to my ex-girlfriend/girlfriend/wife/Dr.Rajkumar. But thanks for saving my arse by saying aloud, ‘Dude, you are coding away to glory!’ Thank you again, and again, till you go stop staring at my screen.
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Sanket,
You know, I should do another post for all the nice coworkers, you know, the ones who tell the boss that “Neo is looking seriously ill, maybe you should ask him to take the day off”.
-N
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Continued:
a) If manager is at my cube: what can I do for you ?
everyone else: what can I do you for ?
b) I have extremely contagious viral drug resistant conjunctivitis causing complete blindness in 24 hours
c) For extreme lingering trespassers: I’m sorry I have to go to the restroom
d) For regular irritants: again ?
e) For subordinates (who want content-free face time): your bonus is inversely proportional to the time you use up from my schedule
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Godot,
There needs to be another sign in the restroom that says “Please avoid discussions with anyone who is still finishing their business.”
-Neo
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In Continuation of # 14
1.There really is no point in asking me ‘Whats up’ every time you see me. Coz last seen, the ceiling was still up and in the course of the last couple of hours, I have done nothing to alter that.
In Continuation of # 10
1.I report to my Boss, not vice-versa. So there is no way, i would know about his whereabouts if his cabin lights are off or his laptop still on !
I could go on n on too :D
Hilarious post Neo ………:)
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Payoshni (this time I got it right without editing) :P
You must be your boss’s favorite, which is why everyone asks you. :P
Admit it.
-N
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or the other way round ;)
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Payoshni,
LOL. But here’s the rule: only I’m allowed to confess on my blog. :P
-Neo
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Loved no. 14. Best of the lot :)
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theishu,
thanks :)
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And people really discuss whipped cream and grapes ideas in your office cubicles? Please send some over here. Some of us need a good laugh rather than boiling with anger at the noise that our neighbors make and not being able to do anything about it.
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Pallavi,
Send some of what ? The people who discuss the grapes, or the grapes themselves ? :P
-Neo
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God! I meant the people who discuss the grapes. Our office pantry is stocked with grapes sometimes. Wonder if it’s some kind of a signal. ;)
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:D this is too good..!
i want to see you write on US Tax system and our Indian tax system..! I dont understand how can these US people cut less tax from salary and then when we go to file’em, there we find out that we actually have to shed some more from our credit cards! Why cant they cut it at first place?
anyways i am sure, you will find sometime to think about this during one of the breaks :)
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I’ll try. :)
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Well, you can have more withholding done at source and at the end of the year, you will get a huge fat check from the taxman. He’d have used your money for a year though :)
Great post Neo. Love the MBA one :D
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Simply awesome.
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LOL! Out here its just the other way around. People go out of the way to respect your privacy.
Icky Dunkin Donuts and packets of cranberries are poor substitutes for gulab jamun and grapes.
Kepp those posts coming…
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now following @neo_indian after reading the interesting article http://neoindian.org/2010/03/12/the-sign-outside-neos-office-cube/
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Loved point 14, in fact at times I feel the same :P
Love the humour here.
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x. Please PLEASE I know you have a smart phone with all the fancy stuff, but that doesnt mean you can have such high volumed ring tone which goes,”twinkle twinkle little star..”(the punjabi version or whatever)- It is really not funny!
x+1. Do NOT wear anklets and come towards this side of the cube. Its distracting. No, irritating.
x+2. Flowers are meant to be on plants ONLY. I cant see any plants in the vicinity. But I can SMELL them.
- If I were a part of Ops team, this list would be stuck near the access door at the entrance.
*Sigh! I know I’m reopening all your posts- they almost date back a long way..But I discovered your blog only recently.*
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agnostic about MBAs.. Brilliant! ROFL..
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