The only piece of real estate in Bangalore that is worth buying

by neo

“It’s not an apartment, it’s an abode!”

Welcome to Gurgling Creek Sprawling Meadows Courtyard Burj Al-Bangalore, a truly integrated township enclave featuring 10,000 idyllic, angelic, low-rise, high-tech, upscale, down-to-earth, close-to-nature, self-contained, self-sustainable, contemporary, exemplary, auxiliary, prestigious, almost religious, state-of-the-art, individually crafted, pedestrian-friendly, eco-friendly and vastu-friendly residential nay presidential homes that will leave you positively speechless, as opposed to ordinary communities that leave you negatively speechless.

The top 20 floors are so exclusive, the only water that you can get there is the Alaskan glacier-melted bottled water available for purchase in our fine, on-site, off-beat and under-construction gourmet grocery store.

Directions: Take NH-30 in Bangalore and drive towards Assam, until you hit the village of Udamanakanoorakuchahalli. The last 20 km of your journey might be slightly bumpy, but we think of it as an outdoors experience – a cross between cross-country skiing, paragliding and the motocross.

Amenities: Your wife might seem grumpy, frumpy, lumpy and frankly, anything-but-humpy now – but wait till the power goes off during dinner! First you get to say goodbye to your cricket game and enjoy 20 minutes of refreshing darkness while our 24-hour backup power supply gets warmed up by burning diesel, cloth, newspapers, cement and really, whatever else the watchman can throw in to keep the flame going. Then, say hello to our BDA-approved, patent-pending ‘warm and fuzzy flicker’ backup power! It simulates candlelight that will make your wife look like the woman you could have married if you had as prestigious an address seven years ago!

(And you’ll be glad you brought your 100-250V appliances from the US, because that’s precisely the voltage range of the power supply in Udamanakanoorakuchahalli!)

After dinner, if you need some “privacy” with your wife, you might wish you had spent more and bought one of our apartments with a real bedroom (we warned you!). But don’t worry! Just inches away from the inviting entrance to your apartment is the entrance to your neighbors apartment – convenient to drop your kids off! Just make sure you go back to your own wife house – people tend to get lucky confused in the dark.

Clubhouse: Don’t feel like paragliding back to civilization just to unwind ? Enjoy our all-in-one, integrated, dedicated, artfully curated and carefully aerated chess, carrom, cards, monopoly and library room (books not included)! Had one game too many of teen-patti ? Enjoy yoga, tai chi or just meditate – you won’t be disappointed with our luxuriously-appointed “Rejuvenation space” privately situated under the staircase! (One person at a time, mat not included).

Buy now: How much, you ask ? Well, don’t be offended if our salesmen living space consultants laugh the first time they hear your budget – they are just being good-natured. Once they explain to you the value of your abode, you will agree that a mortgage is not bondage, but a prestigious privilege. And don’t worry if you miss a few payments –we have a team of professional, all-star, all-weather, all-afghan payment assistance advisors to remind you!

And relax – prices go up and prices go down. With most of your past savings, future earnings and wife’s earrings committed to your own abode, all your investments will be consolidated into one large monthly EMI payment. You’re free from thinking about stocks, bonds, gold, mutual funds, livestock, crude oil, fine wine, fixed deposits or even keeping idle cash in your bank!

So stop dreaming and make it happen – plan your work and work your plan! Prioritize, solemnize, actionize and then sodomize! Welcome to Udamanakanoorakuchahalli – the afghans are waiting!

(RIP George Carlin. You are missed.)

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