Shefaly (68)
Easily Amused (61)
Roshni (50)
Mallika (27)
Kislay Chandra (23)
Gori Girl (22)
litterateuse (22)
Dinesh (21)
Joanne (19)The only piece of real estate in Bangalore that is worth buying
“It’s not an apartment, it’s an abode!”
Welcome to Gurgling Creek Sprawling Meadows Courtyard Burj Al-Bangalore, a truly integrated township enclave featuring 10,000 idyllic, angelic, low-rise, high-tech, upscale, down-to-earth, close-to-nature, self-contained, self-sustainable, contemporary, exemplary, auxiliary, prestigious, almost religious, state-of-the-art, individually crafted, pedestrian-friendly, eco-friendly and vastu-friendly residential nay presidential homes that will leave you positively speechless, as opposed to ordinary communities that leave you negatively speechless.
The top 20 floors are so exclusive, the only water that you can get there is the Alaskan glacier-melted bottled water available for purchase in our fine, on-site, off-beat and under-construction gourmet grocery store.
Directions: Take NH-30 in Bangalore and drive towards Assam, until you hit the village of Udamanakanoorakuchahalli. The last 20 km of your journey might be slightly bumpy, but we think of it as an outdoors experience – a cross between cross-country skiing, paragliding and the motocross.
Amenities: Your wife might seem grumpy, frumpy, lumpy and frankly, anything-but-humpy now – but wait till the power goes off during dinner! First you get to say goodbye to your cricket game and enjoy 20 minutes of refreshing darkness while our 24-hour backup power supply gets warmed up by burning diesel, cloth, newspapers, cement and really, whatever else the watchman can throw in to keep the flame going. Then, say hello to our BDA-approved, patent-pending ‘warm and fuzzy flicker’ backup power! It simulates candlelight that will make your wife look like the woman you could have married if you had as prestigious an address seven years ago!
(And you’ll be glad you brought your 100-250V appliances from the US, because that’s precisely the voltage range of the power supply in Udamanakanoorakuchahalli!)
After dinner, if you need some “privacy” with your wife, you might wish you had spent more and bought one of our apartments with a real bedroom (we warned you!). But don’t worry! Just inches away from the inviting entrance to your apartment is the entrance to your neighbors apartment – convenient to drop your kids off! Just make sure you go back to your own wife house – people tend to get lucky confused in the dark.
Clubhouse: Don’t feel like paragliding back to civilization just to unwind ? Enjoy our all-in-one, integrated, dedicated, artfully curated and carefully aerated chess, carrom, cards, monopoly and library room (books not included)! Had one game too many of teen-patti ? Enjoy yoga, tai chi or just meditate – you won’t be disappointed with our luxuriously-appointed “Rejuvenation space” privately situated under the staircase! (One person at a time, mat not included).
Buy now: How much, you ask ? Well, don’t be offended if our salesmen living space consultants laugh the first time they hear your budget – they are just being good-natured. Once they explain to you the value of your abode, you will agree that a mortgage is not bondage, but a prestigious privilege. And don’t worry if you miss a few payments –we have a team of professional, all-star, all-weather, all-afghan payment assistance advisors to remind you!
And relax – prices go up and prices go down. With most of your past savings, future earnings and wife’s earrings committed to your own abode, all your investments will be consolidated into one large monthly EMI payment. You’re free from thinking about stocks, bonds, gold, mutual funds, livestock, crude oil, fine wine, fixed deposits or even keeping idle cash in your bank!
So stop dreaming and make it happen – plan your work and work your plan! Prioritize, solemnize, actionize and then sodomize! Welcome to Udamanakanoorakuchahalli – the afghans are waiting!
(RIP George Carlin. You are missed.)
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Category: Housing | Tags: bangalore, desi, funny, humor, humour, India, Karnataka, Real estate, satire 39 comments »
January 22nd, 2010 at 11:16 am
Hilarious! Hilarious! Hilarious!!! I am glad I am working from home today coz I’d be laughing so hard at work I’d get into trouble! I do have one question- do the backup power supplies take so long to “warm up”? I thought they were instant..I’m going to share this..even if it violates your copyright:)
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January 22nd, 2010 at 11:28 am
Perhaps not 20 minutes, but they certainly aren’t instant – just ask the people who are stuck in the elevators!
-Neo
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January 22nd, 2010 at 11:27 am
Not funny dude!
We just bought a house in Udamanakanoorakuchahalli’s equivalent in Hyd. We paid 20 lakhs upfront and all there is right now is glossy flyers and cattle grazing in what is supposed to be our home god knows when.
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January 22nd, 2010 at 11:31 am
Never Mind,
I’m sure it will turn out well – look at it this way, things can only get better from here!
-Neo
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February 17th, 2010 at 2:17 pm
Udamanakanoorakuchahalli is a real place?
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January 22nd, 2010 at 11:30 am
LMFAO! Oh man, these “suburban” townships are the same everywhere in India. What they promise, what you get, what they get away with… seriously, all you have to do is pick up your phone diary, call up a friend/acquaintance at random and there’d be a hoodwinked-in-real-estate anecdote ready. Very sorry state of affairs, and glad you could channel the exasperation into humour.
Brilliant piece!
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January 22nd, 2010 at 11:37 am
Thanks Karan!
I’ve attended so many of these real-estate seminars and sales talks, the only way I can keep myself amused is to watch the incredulous faces of the other “investors” in the room.
-Neo
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January 22nd, 2010 at 11:59 am
Nice! This pushes my hubby away from buying a house in B;lore for a few more years for sure!
Dang!!!!!
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January 22nd, 2010 at 3:49 pm
SS – you’re welcome.
-Neo
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January 22nd, 2010 at 6:23 pm
After living there for a few years, you will probably not need the Clubhouse (or even your house). You will probably achieve a zen-like state of calm and can be found under the staircase, levitating
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January 23rd, 2010 at 5:37 pm
One of the “investors” at a real-estate “seminar” (yes, I get carried away with the “quotes”
) asked the following question:
“Will there be a time-limit for how long we can use the yoga room ? I often meditate for two hours.”
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January 23rd, 2010 at 1:48 am
absolutely Hilarious…. I even went to the extent of googling this “Udamanakanoorakuchahalli”… ha ha
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January 23rd, 2010 at 5:37 pm
Harsha – ROFL. Gotcha!!
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January 23rd, 2010 at 9:09 am
Yo Neo!
I think there’s an golden opportunity here to put a toll road between where-ever and Udamanakanoorakuchahalli! The initial investment could be recouped by just the initial onslaught of tolls that will be collected from prospective buyers traveling the stretch. What say you!?
Cheers,
D
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January 23rd, 2010 at 5:39 pm
It’s an even better idea than you think, because the toll road will be used twice as often as it seems:
1. By parents who are doing the initial property scouting for their children
2. By the children
And yes, what’s Rs. 100 for using a toll road when you are buying a 1 crore house ?
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January 23rd, 2010 at 9:11 am
Only piece of real estate worth buying in bangalore http://tinyurl.com/yk6hysl (via @neo_indian )
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January 23rd, 2010 at 9:59 am
LOL! How true, couldn’t agree anymore with you!
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January 23rd, 2010 at 3:33 pm
LOL ROFL LMAO
Checked back onto ur blog for a lark and oh joy!
Would love to catch a glimpse of the faces of those er non-living non-space consultants when they read such a brilliant marketing piece for uh! Udamanakanoorakuchahalli.
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January 23rd, 2010 at 5:40 pm
sabmayahai:
Admit it – you tried to read Udamanakanoorakuchahalli aloud.
-Neo
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January 23rd, 2010 at 4:04 pm
Forgot to add the PS
When DLF built its first phases in Gurgaon, 30 km from Delhi, it was probably nothing more than grazing land for mooing cows.
And what was sold then (barely 10 years ago) for 10 lacs, now goes for 30.
My mom takes a pension of 10k a month by way of rent from a house my grandfather bought 40 yrs ago for the princely sum of 50k.
And until the US/UK/rest of developed world relax its immigration criteria for Indians considerably, only one direction property in India is going.
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January 23rd, 2010 at 5:43 pm
sabmayahai:
Whether Indian property is in a bubble one of “those” discussions, but here’s some (speaking of grazing land) “fodder” for thought:
Real-estate prices (in the long-term) are governed by the income of potential buyers, not their number. Limit the income, and you limit the prices.
At a macro level, real-estate prices that grow faster than GDP on average are not sustainable, almost by definition.
-Neo
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January 23rd, 2010 at 6:27 pm
Hahahaha! LMAO!
Good work neo. When does the booking start??!! I would like to book a 10,000 SQ FT penthouse!
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January 23rd, 2010 at 10:36 pm
Ritesh,
You can save Rs. 1000 by buying 5 one bedroom flats, and making sure the rest of the building does not sleep for an entire year while you’re breaking down the walls and remodeling.
-Neo
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January 23rd, 2010 at 10:26 pm
You win the internet. That’s absolutely hilarious!
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January 23rd, 2010 at 10:35 pm
Thanks Dave!!
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January 24th, 2010 at 12:09 am
Dude, I hear you. The SF Bay Area is infected with an almost similar malaise. The latest median annual income and house prices ratios are almost 1:10 in good school districts in Santa Clara county (clarification: 1. “good” schools meaning not 90%+ asian infested nor mexican gang infested 2. “house” meaning what the rest of America considers a “home” i.e. not a 70 year old fence with a roof) . From what I hear the ratios in Bangalore are still around 1:2 for apartments. (clarification: Median income: 50 lakhs, apartments 1crore). The grass is greener on the other side no ?
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January 24th, 2010 at 12:23 am
Godot,
I lived for almost a decade in the bay area, so I know exactly what you feel about housing there.
I’m not sure what you mean by median income, but 50 lakhs is very high as far as income in Bangalore goes. Perhaps many dual-earning professional couples can get to a combined income of 50 lakhs, but I’ll be surprised if the number of such families is anywhere close to the number of apartments that go for 1 crore.
-Neo
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January 24th, 2010 at 2:42 pm
Reminds me of the mastercard ad. The version for Bangy RE would be – “There are some properties that (white) money cannot buy, (because) for every other (1cr+) apartment there is (Ncrs+,where N=2 to infinity of) BLACK MONEY.” You must be knowing already that the underground economy of India is at least 10-20X larger than the official one. RE is the perfect asset for money laundering. All those crores that Lala used to worship every morning in his sinduk (remember Anupam Kher in “Dil” ?) is now embodied in an apartment. Have you seen folks performing “puja” in the mornings in front of vacant apartments yet ?
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January 24th, 2010 at 10:52 pm
When we left India and rented out our 1cr+ flat (what we considered proud achievement made possible by 40% NRI money and 60% bank loan) to our neighbourhood truckwala, only to find out a year later he was breaking contract to move into his *larger*, *higher floor* apartment, paid for by 80% *cash* and 20% white from a miniscule portion of his income earned primarily thru never even having left the neighbourhood.
We globe-trotters underestimate the amount of black money sloshing through the Indian economy, which only the neighbourhood real estate agent/lala/small auto part dealer/*add any other small business here* have a true estimate of.
@neo – chewing “fodder”, while I do agree with you on prices moving in tandem with income growth, I think pent-up demand from the hordes of fresh graduates churned out by our incredible uni’s every year who make on average 25k per month, will marry and settle and have kids and will need a home to live in, will outstrip supply.
And of course a large portion of the Indian GDP is not officially accounted for of which a portion invariably finds its way into Indian real estate.
There are many sub plots to the India story which we white income earners will never get a grasp of and that is what makes India so incredible
January 24th, 2010 at 12:47 am
Hilarious!!! These obese buildings in bangalore make me feel like its goinna burst any time and leave a bad odor all around.
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January 24th, 2010 at 1:26 am
Curious: what do you mean by obese buildings ? You don’t like their architecture ?
-Neo
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January 25th, 2010 at 4:46 am
Once again, @neo_indian wins the internet http://bit.ly/8Uq6oU hilarious!
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January 25th, 2010 at 4:52 am
Thanks for the laughs!
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January 25th, 2010 at 5:06 am
LOL! We’re considering buying an apartment in Bangalore, & this is so apt. Hilarious! http://bit.ly/8Uq6oU via the awesome @neo_indian
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February 1st, 2010 at 2:37 am
You missed the in a convenient “All inclusive price of 59.4 Lakhs” and just 25KM from the City (Note: It is not mentioned which city) and 30KM from MG Road. In India, every city, town, and village has an MG Road and if you mention that your apartment is 30KM from MG Road, you are definitely going to bump into one MG Road in that distance!
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February 8th, 2010 at 7:15 pm
I laughed out loud a few times reading your blog and the comments that follow! Keep up the “social service” – we all need it!
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February 8th, 2010 at 7:25 pm
chicagor2i – Heh. Thanks for reading.
-Neo
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February 15th, 2010 at 2:52 pm
Do you have a sense of humor or what!!! Your blogs are hilarious man…..Didn’t realize R2I research could actually be fun (while getting a lot of helpful tit bits)….
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March 5th, 2010 at 9:26 am
While reading I felt it to be Carlin-ish. And there I see your tribute as a footnote.
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