10 things Google users really want to know about India

by neo

What’s puzzling about China’s attempts to access Gmail accounts of human rights activists is this – why go through the trouble? If the Chinese government knows which specific Gmail account to hack into, it must know who the activist is. Why not arrest the naughty fellow for driving too slowly on his bicycle and then ask him if he’d like to eat “Deep-fried vegetable balls in a tangy Manchurian sauce with a hint of irony” for lunch? Et voila.

On the other hand, Google’s search algorithm has no choice but to read through all your boring emails and search queries. It’s trying to become sentient figure out what you’re likely to be searching.

So what are you, dear typical Google user, searching about India ? Google auto-complete knows:

1. Where do Indians live in Houston?


Answer: Here’s a hint: You know Indians are smart, right ? Would we really open our motel with the attached Indian restaurant far from where we all lived ?

And now you know where all the Pakistani and Bangladeshis live too. (You’d think that after all the complaining they do about how terrible it is to have India as a neighbor in South Asia, they’d have the sense to stay at least a few blocks away from us in the US.)

2. How do Indians wipe ?


Answer: Wipe what ? Wipe the floor with your ass ? Ok, yes, many Indians use water and their left hands to clean their ass. Why the left hand ? Because there should be some tradition that’s designed to be easier for left-handers. More importantly, we don’t want to contaminate our asses with the food that happens to be on our right hands.

3. Why Tamils celebrate Diwali?


Answer: It’s a cover for them to test their explosive devices. Tamil Nadu is planning to launch a massive missile strike on North India and then take over the country to make Tamil the national language, causing Pakistan to yearn for the good old days when they didn’t need a translator just to lie to India.

4. What do Indian people look like?


Answer: This question is as puzzling as the one you often hear from single women: “where are all the men?”. Seriously, you have to ask ? What happened to stepping out into the street ? We’re everywhere! (Yes, even in Talinn, Estonia)

5. Indian girls raised by wolves


Answer: If you are looking for matrimony with Indian girls raised by wolves, consider this: “Honey, I’m home!” in English sounds exactly like “Come and chew my head off, you stupid wolf” to an Indian girl raised by wolves (and judging by some of the mails Neo gets, even to many Indian girls who are not raised by wolves). Misunderestimations like that can ruin your entire evening.

6. Why do Indian people shake their head?


Answer: Well if you don’t want us to shake our heads, stop asking us to make you a company website that “looks exactly like this competitor’s website, except completely different.” And yes we’re spiritual but we still haven’t found any “lighter shades of black” for the text on your website.

7. Why are Indian people afraid of dogs?


Answer: Really, it’s the only thing all Indians (even those who now live in Houston) have in common. You’d be scared of dogs too, if you lived in a subcontinent with eighteen languages. Besides, although we all know that the dog doesn’t bite, the dog might not.

8. India and China have a right to pollute the environment


Answer: That’s not even a question! But, thank you for your support as we try to catch up to the per-capita pollution of developed countries.

9. Indian man marries dog


Answer: Now you know why there are so many Indian women (raised by humans or otherwise) looking for grooms on shaadi.com. You also know why we are scared of dogs.

10. How do Hindus get to heaven ?


Answer: Diversification. Sure, it’s fun, simple and bold to worship one God – just like it was to invest all your money in Enron. A better way to invest to simply buy a bit of everything. Yes, polytheism is the “Vanguard Index Fund” of religion. Look closely at a Hindu prayer room and you might even find Jesus (figuratively speaking)!

Just kidding! The truth is, we get to heaven by living like parseltongue-speaking, satan-worshipping pagans all our lives. Then, just moments before our deaths, we convert to Christianity so we can show up in heaven and continue leching at your wife when you visit our ridiculously overpriced Indian restaurant there.

(And when you get there, don’t forget to try our famous deep-fried vegetable balls in Manchurian sauce.)

Here’s your you-know-what:

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