10 things Google users really want to know about India
by neo
What’s puzzling about China’s attempts to access Gmail accounts of human rights activists is this – why go through the trouble? If the Chinese government knows which specific Gmail account to hack into, it must know who the activist is. Why not arrest the naughty fellow for driving too slowly on his bicycle and then ask him if he’d like to eat “Deep-fried vegetable balls in a tangy Manchurian sauce with a hint of irony” for lunch? Et voila.
On the other hand, Google’s search algorithm has no choice but to read through all your boring emails and search queries. It’s trying to become sentient figure out what you’re likely to be searching.
So what are you, dear typical Google user, searching about India ? Google auto-complete knows:
1. Where do Indians live in Houston?
Answer: Here’s a hint: You know Indians are smart, right ? Would we really open our motel with the attached Indian restaurant far from where we all lived ?
And now you know where all the Pakistani and Bangladeshis live too. (You’d think that after all the complaining they do about how terrible it is to have India as a neighbor in South Asia, they’d have the sense to stay at least a few blocks away from us in the US.)
2. How do Indians wipe ?
Answer: Wipe what ? Wipe the floor with your ass ? Ok, yes, many Indians use water and their left hands to clean their ass. Why the left hand ? Because there should be some tradition that’s designed to be easier for left-handers. More importantly, we don’t want to contaminate our asses with the food that happens to be on our right hands.
3. Why Tamils celebrate Diwali?
Answer: It’s a cover for them to test their explosive devices. Tamil Nadu is planning to launch a massive missile strike on North India and then take over the country to make Tamil the national language, causing Pakistan to yearn for the good old days when they didn’t need a translator just to lie to India.
4. What do Indian people look like?
Answer: This question is as puzzling as the one you often hear from single women: “where are all the men?”. Seriously, you have to ask ? What happened to stepping out into the street ? We’re everywhere! (Yes, even in Talinn, Estonia)
5. Indian girls raised by wolves
Answer: If you are looking for matrimony with Indian girls raised by wolves, consider this: “Honey, I’m home!” in English sounds exactly like “Come and chew my head off, you stupid wolf” to an Indian girl raised by wolves (and judging by some of the mails Neo gets, even to many Indian girls who are not raised by wolves). Misunderestimations like that can ruin your entire evening.
6. Why do Indian people shake their head?
Answer: Well if you don’t want us to shake our heads, stop asking us to make you a company website that “looks exactly like this competitor’s website, except completely different.” And yes we’re spiritual but we still haven’t found any “lighter shades of black” for the text on your website.
7. Why are Indian people afraid of dogs?
Answer: Really, it’s the only thing all Indians (even those who now live in Houston) have in common. You’d be scared of dogs too, if you lived in a subcontinent with eighteen languages. Besides, although we all know that the dog doesn’t bite, the dog might not.
8. India and China have a right to pollute the environment
Answer: That’s not even a question! But, thank you for your support as we try to catch up to the per-capita pollution of developed countries.
9. Indian man marries dog
Answer: Now you know why there are so many Indian women (raised by humans or otherwise) looking for grooms on shaadi.com. You also know why we are scared of dogs.
10. How do Hindus get to heaven ?
Answer: Diversification. Sure, it’s fun, simple and bold to worship one God – just like it was to invest all your money in Enron. A better way to invest to simply buy a bit of everything. Yes, polytheism is the “Vanguard Index Fund” of religion. Look closely at a Hindu prayer room and you might even find Jesus (figuratively speaking)!
Just kidding! The truth is, we get to heaven by living like parseltongue-speaking, satan-worshipping pagans all our lives. Then, just moments before our deaths, we convert to Christianity so we can show up in heaven and continue leching at your wife when you visit our ridiculously overpriced Indian restaurant there.
(And when you get there, don’t forget to try our famous deep-fried vegetable balls in Manchurian sauce.)
Here’s your you-know-what:
OMG .. You actually sat and typed those first few words and then took screenshots of Google’s recommendations???? I dont know who’s dumber – the people who performed those searches; or YOU :P (could you please share some of my workload) ;)
Ok, on a serious note .. it beats me as to why people would search for “Why do Indians eat with their hands” … and make no mistake – if google recommends that search it means that tonnes of people have searched for that phrase. Only goes to show that really stupid people are the dominating consumers of Internet (or at least Google).
“What do Indian People look like”??? Why, they have 3 eyes, 2 noses, only one leg; and they urinate from their navels. WTF!!
“Why are Indians afraid of dogs”? Well, we should gather all the people who asked this question and leave them at night at one of the zillion infamous street-dog territories in India .. let them be mauled to death by the mongrels .. they’l know then.
“How do Hindus get to heaven”? Simple -They 1) Open maps.google.co.in 2)Click on “Directions”; 3) In ‘from’ field; type their home addresses; 4) in ‘to’ field, type ‘Heaven’; 5) click on ‘get directions’ .. and then they hop onto their bikes and follow the route provided by google. The route normally doesn’t get anywhere close to US or the West.
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Kiran,
LOL. I like the alliterative nature of the “mauled by mongrels” phrase. :)
-Neo
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LOL. I’d like to know how many of your readers didn’t actually google at least one of those terms “just to make sure” ;)
This is outrageous! I think I just discovered a soon-to-be-favorite pastime :P
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g,
You mean figuring out where the Indian people live is your new favorite pastime? Doesn’t speak too highly of your current pastimes. :-)
-Neo
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ya and by the way.. amazing post.. like always.. kept falling off my chair and then lay there rolling laughing..
good job well done!
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Amazing post.. first i fell off my chair laughing then i rolled on the floor laughing!!
By the way if u want to know the difference between Google India and the other google.com (google world??) just try typing “removing”
Here is what http://www.google.com would recommend
removing wallpaper
removing personal antivirus
removing ink stains
removing popcorn ceiling
removing total security
removing skin tags
removing acrylic nails
removing windows police pro
removing blood stains
removing ticks
While Google India (google.co.in) comes up with more intellectual stuff. For eg.
removing bra
removing dress
removing dress of girls
removing bra video
removing dress videos
removing pubic hair
removing clothes
removing clothes of a girl blackheads
removing dress one by one
I wish i could upload the snapshots
Thats the reson why google is here to stay :)
Enjoy!!
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Harsh,
You know, I got so tired of google.co.in I actually changed my settings to always use the (US) google.com servers. But after seeing your comment I think I need to switch back.
“removing dress one by one” – ROFL. JUST TOO FUNNY.
-Neo
PS: Corrected the typo.
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Diversification – LOL !
I am deathly scared of dogs and my neighbor thinks its hilarious. His co workers know me as the girl who is scared of his chihuahua.
I find some searches that lead to my blog are hilarious- Indian hairstyles for long Indian hair
Indian makeup for Indian girl from India.
How to look Indian
No telling how much ‘Indian’ is required in everything !
However the search on Indian Girl just gets worse – not nearly half as hilarious as these were.
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IndianGirl,
Well you (and I!) did use the word “Indian” right in our blog title and in our pen names, so we can’t complain now. :-)
-Neo
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Some well-deserved praise coming from Gawker. Congratulations!
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Hi Sujatha,
Thanks!! :-))))
-Neo
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There is also “why are indians hated”. Google for some reason thinks my blog can answer that question. I wonder why.
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Lekhni,
Maybe it’s a not-so-subtle hint: You need to post about why Indians are hated and answer the question once and for all!
-Neo
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Hilarious post, as always! And great find by Harsh in the comments.
Interestingly, the ‘Indian man marrying a dog’ did occur sometime in 2007, as one might have guessed from the phrase showing up in goog auto-complete. It would be funny if it were not tinged with a shade of gruesomeness:
http://afp.google.com/article/ALeqM5gG1WFhskR8VgUJ3o-k3wtJu6Vp5w
Also, the folks at http://www.feralchildren.com/ may take offense at your evident humor on children raised by wolves. :)
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Niranjan,
Wow, I like the way you research topics. I had no idea there was an entire website for feral children.
So now tell me, what does your gut say ? Will feral children be more likely to vote based on their demographic, or will they more likely to be republican/libertarian leaning ?
-Neo
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Hard to put oneself in a what-would-I-do-if-I-were-feral-raised mode of thinking, as one can (or cannot) imagine . If I have to make a guess, I’d say feral children would be opposed to the very notion of democracy. In fact I’d think them uniquely capable of the kind of out-of-the-box thinking that civilized humans (esp those in upper mgmt) allude to but are perhaps incapable of achieving by virtue of being ‘boxed’ from the very moment one learns the alphabets.
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Hilarious! Especially number six. Although one thing I learned when working in India is that clients will be clients no matter what country they live in — at my ad agency, we had a client ask us to come up for a word for IT that didn’t evoke images of technology.
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@Dave,
ROFL. Whenever you think you’ve seen it all, they go and surprise you. So what were your suggestions ? :)
-Neo
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Well, I was managing a few other copywriters at the time… so I probably just pawned the job off to one of them and then tried to forget it ever happened.
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More good stuff from neoIndian. I genuinely laughed out loud (gLOL?) at #6. http://bit.ly/8DYmhr @neo_indian
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RT @delhistruggle: More good stuff from neoIndian. I genuinely laughed out loud (gLOL?) at #6. http://bit.ly/8DYmhr @neo_indian
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Funniest post I’ve read this week: “10 things Google Users really want to know about India” http://tinyurl.com/yh5c586 via @neo_indian
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RT: @delhistruggle: More good stuff from neoIndian. I genuinely laughed out loud (gLOL?) at #6. http://bit.ly/8DYmhr @neo_indian
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RT @delhistruggle: More good stuff from neoIndian. I genuinely laughed out loud (gLOL?) at #6. http://bit.ly/8DYmhr @neo_indian
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Haha… funny indeed.
The concept is same old. But the relevant links all through the article make it a nice read :D
Good job!
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Thanks Mihir!
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Dude You Rock.
Nice article.
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Thanks Prasanna!
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10 things Google users really want to know about India- http://bit.ly/8DYmhr (via @neo_indian)
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RT @gitanjalib: 10 things Google users really want to know about India- http://bit.ly/8DYmhr (via @neo_indian)
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nice post lol :) RT: @_num: RT @gitanjalib: 10 things Google users really want to know about India- http://bit.ly/8DYmhr (via @neo_indian)
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10 thngs googlers wanna knw abt India-funny blog: http://neoindian.org/2010/01/14/10-things-google-users-really-want-to-know-about-india/
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Try ‘Why do Indians’ space. Gosh do we really have to tell google so much info abt indians?
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It’s 2 a.m. I woke up and thought of checking my e-mail and visiting your site. This is soooo funny. I’m addicted to you, Neo. You’re a hard habit to break. (Tell me you recognise the song… please! Or, my comment sounds really tacky!) :-)
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You seem to be unaware of the fact that many of these indian searches are for native americans.
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10 things Google users really want to know about India – http://tinyurl.com/yh5c586
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RT @signils: 10 things Google users really want to know about India – http://tinyurl.com/yh5c586
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hahahahaha…this is hilarious :)
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Stumbled upon your blog while looking for R2I posts. Can’t stop laughing! Great posts!
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