10 exciting things that you can only learn by growing up in India
by neo
“He probably doesn’t have an ear for melody, so just put him in the Tabla class. But don’t buy a Tabla until he’s practiced on the dinner table for six months” – Music teacher at a prominent music school in Mumbai.
These were the inspiring words that started Neo’s musical education at the age of six. For the next several years, Neo learned Tabla from a “guru” who had been driven half-crazy by seeing his beloved musical instrument being badgered to death every Wednesday by a group of 6-13 year olds.
But the truly exciting learning opportunities for Neo came on the other six days of the week, when Neo ran amok “played downstairs” in the parking lot of an otherwise un-noteworthy 20-floor Mumbai apartment building.
These are some of the exciting thing Neo learned from all those years of unsupervised fun:
1. Make fun, not war: During Diwali, never light a “rocket” near a slum dwelling. If the rocket sets fire to a hut, it could start multilingual hawker. There are always lots of nicer balloons near your parents’ bed, plus for some reason they also freak grown-ups out when inflated.
3. Corporate hierarchy: The guy who owns the bat is never out. Also, your brand new cricket bat will last much longer if you never use it – that’s why mommy never lets you take it downstairs.
4. Women are crazy: Girls are irritating at first because they want to play the same games as boys, but suck at it. And then just when the guys think “hey it would be fun to play all sorts of games with the girls”, the girls suddenly stop wanting to play. This is very puzzling for the boys, and a source of great amusement for the girls.
5. Self-defense: Your ability to use fancy English swear words will typically not outlast your opponents ability to kick you repeatedly in the nuts. Especially if the opponent does not speak English.
6. Academics matter: When Mr. Radhakrishnan is not home, Mrs. Radhakrishnan likes to call boys to her home to eat “biscuits” and do other fun activities. But she only calls you after you reach 10th grade. So it is very important to study hard and reach 10th grade.
7. Automobiles: Marbles in fuel tanks work much better than just random rocks.
8. Animal kingdom: Ignore what the science teacher tells you about butterflies. The only species of wildlife that are not already extinct are: crows, lizards, cows and dogs.
9. Project planning: If you are trying to get your ball from underneath a parked car, make sure you let the driver know that you’re under the car, in case he decides to start driving just when you’re under it.
10. The secret to happiness: A regular gola-sharbat costs Rs. 5. The “special gola-sharbat” costs Rs. 100 and is basically just a regular gola-sharbat with some ayurvedic whitish-brown powder sprinkled on it, which makes you feel really happy – at least for the next hour or three.
*
(.. and then one day you realize that you’re more likely to have a third cup of coffee rather than a third beer – that’s when you know you’ve grown up.)
Was your childhood in India as educational ? What’s the most exciting thing you learned ? And, as your spouse probably wants to know – are you sure your childhood is really even over ? Let Neo know in the comments.
Epilogue: As it turned out, Neo was perfectly capable of understanding melody and went on to teach himself to play the keyboard by ear. His Tabla guru eventually left the profession and went back to his banking job, and back to loving the Tabla again.
(The special gola-sharbat now costs Rs. 350.)
Here’s your moment of zen:
PS: Apparently, while the kids in India are learning important lessons about life, the kids in the US are having way too much fun. As Surekha complains:
My friends went for bally class in school (in the US). There in school premises 13 -14 years students were openly doing romance.My friend with kids was waiting outside the restroom but few teen age studen’s went before them inside restroom and didn’t came out for long and after long time they came out screaming and was doing hi 5 to their out side friends. Small kids watching this was shame.
Awesome man. Three more:
1) Agility: The ability to hang onto a ‘footboard’ of a bus with just your toes when the bus goes at insane speeds.
2) Immunity from bugs: When it comes to cricket balls that fall into filthy ditches filled with scum, there in only one thing that matters – retrieving it. I probably got most of my immunity by retrieving balls from ditches.
3) Resourcefulness: When you had to roll your own cricket pitch, you figure out you could use the friendly neighborhood ‘trashcan’ as the heavy roller. [no kidding].
BTW, thanks for the Sulekha reference. A lot of my entertainment is derived from reading comments in rediff. I guess I need to check out Sulekha as well.
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Learnings: .. (!)
Respect the Elders : but from a distance of 10 feet . Your friend’s granps has the reputation of acting funny…
Status symbol : You cannot, I repeat , cannot borrow cycles from your brother . It is suicide on the social front.
And you know you have grown up when you spend more time playing Farmville than Hide n Seek.. :)
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LOL, you nailed it! Also:
Discretion: When you find yourself in the company of just one other individual – especially an adult – and there’s this weird smell out of the blue, try not to scrunch your nose and go “EWWW WHAT WAS THAAAAAT??!! Oh, oops!! Heeheehee.”
Language: If uncle Grumpy confiscates any cricket balls because you hit a 4 in his ‘compound’ and refuses to return them unless you “play elsewhere”: DO NOT tell aunty that he refused to let go of Sujatha’s balls. Even if it’s only for revenge or your entertainment. It’s going to cost uncle a lot; not everyone appreciates puns. (And no, Sujatha being the ball-owner’s sister does NOT make you “technically” right)
Culutre: The birthday kid is always the “captain.” Doesn’t matter if s/he’s a wuss the remaining 364 days, that particular day, you suck up to the loser. The best sucker-upper aka main side-kick gets ’2-2 chocolates’ instead of just one like the other mortals.
:P
g
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My best friend in Class II once wore a “colour dress”(only birthday girls were allowed to) instead of the regular uniform and had gained a lot of new friends till she disclosed that her Uniform hadn’t dried after the washing the previous day! She sure had a letter explaining the situation signed by her dad to avoid being sent home!
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I wonder what happened when you blew up those fancy balloons near the parents’ bed.
Did you get beaten up with that bat-that-never-got-old?
Wonderful post!
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Walk softly and carry a big pointy umbrella:
Rain or shine, the trusty parasol was my constant companion during the college years. In addition to protecting against elements wet and sunny (gotta stay fair and lovely, doncha know), it was also handy in warding off the wannabe Lotharios. In crowed buses, a warning jab or two established the lakshman-rekha. I’ve probably speared an innocent uncle or two, but hey you were a victim of your gender. No apologies, a girl’s gotta play dirty to stay safe.
Neo, you’ve been prolific lately (and hilarious of course)! I like! Pliss to maintain output accordingly :-)
-DS
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RT @neo_indian interesting read .. http://neoindian.org/2009/12/15/10-exciting-things-that-you-can-only-learn-by-growing-up-in-india/
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Aaaah, this was fun!
I’d like to add that an Indian upbringing — education, specifically — equips you with wonderful stress-management skills that you use for the rest of your life. 3000 pages to read in less than 3 hours? No problem. No notes? No problem. No time? No problem. No aptitude? No problem. In the end, it’s all good.
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Adjustment: Waking up at 7:30 for a 8am quiz, realizing that there is no power and water in the hostel thereby neccesitating a trip to the irrigation pipe in the middle of a field wading through chest high grass praying that you don’t get bit by the ubiquitous snakes while trying to hold down the shit that threatens to burst out of your junk food laden intestine (from the night before) any time.
Irony: Graded exams are handed out in class, by the sadistic teacher who for some reason sports a Olympic gold medal winner’s smile and mentions names and their scores with glee. My turn comes and of course I score a perfect 10 – out of 200 that is – and turn around to see my bench-mate jeering and making faces at me – only to score a perfect zero seconds later. Revenge anyone ?
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10 exciting things that you can only learn by growing up in India – NeoIndian -http://bit.ly/4SSY8t
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About the music lessons, after a few days of trial, I was rejected by this aged personal home-tutor (his home) in his 80s (claiming to have rejected offers from several fat-cats of Bollywood in his time) just due to apparent lack of potential linked to no music background in my family. At such a young age, I didn’t have much idea as to what genetic-heritage-as-a-necessity-for-music-learning means so I made my peace with it then, called it quits and turned to acads. Everything turned out fine, in fact great on the standard measures of calculating one’s success in India except that I still long for being able to sing and play for people. My life in college brought out my love for music once again and I enjoy organizing songs, creating my own mood-genres and picking them out for my own collection. I donno any music instruments YET but I think I certainly know what Music is and its healing powers. After reading this post, I think I’ll give this learn-on-your-own thing one shot.
Thanks –
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dada,
Totally. Fuck the music gurus and their entrance exams. Life is too short (and to painful) to attempt without music!
-Neo
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if india was so much fun then why did the neo returned to india?
Yes i know the reason. In people inhabited by white people (countries like u.s.a., u.k. etc.) he was treated as second citizen not gaining much progress?
In countries like U.A.E. etc not proper rights like freedom to speech etc.
India is like a mother who welcomes her all children whether they are decent or indecent she doesn’t recall that her child cursed her in past hated her and went to a woman who was very much attractive from outside but didn’t tolerated his nuisance a bit, Unlike his mother who thinks my son is my loving son so what if they are ill mannered. Hope it may teach you something someday.
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The special gola-sharbat never costs Rs. 350…!!!! even the special of special ones would be maximum come under Rs. 100.
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