“He probably doesn’t have an ear for melody, so just put him in the Tabla class. But don’t buy a Tabla until he’s practiced on the dinner table for six months” – Music teacher at a prominent music school in Mumbai.

These were the inspiring words that started Neo’s musical education at the age of six. For the next several years, Neo learned Tabla from a “guru” who had been driven half-crazy by seeing his beloved musical instrument being badgered to death every Wednesday by a group of 6-13 year olds.

But the truly exciting learning opportunities for Neo came on the other six days of the week, when Neo ran amok “played downstairs” in the parking lot of an otherwise un-noteworthy 20-floor Mumbai apartment building.

These are some of the exciting thing Neo learned from all those years of unsupervised fun:

1. Make fun, not war: During Diwali, never light a “rocket” near a slum dwelling. If the rocket sets fire to a hut, it could start World War III. Also, if a group of angry slum dwellers suddenly approach you, remember to shove the matches into someone else’s hands.

2. Art: Never buy those poor quality balloons from the multilingual hawker. There are always lots of nicer balloons near your parents’ bed, plus for some reason they also freak grown-ups out when inflated.

3. Corporate hierarchy: The guy who owns the bat is never out. Also, your brand new cricket bat will last much longer if you never use it – that’s why mommy never lets you take it downstairs.

4. Women are crazy: Girls are irritating at first because they want to play the same games as boys, but suck at it. And then just when the guys think “hey it would be fun to play all sorts of games with the girls”, the girls suddenly stop wanting to play. This is very puzzling for the boys, and a source of great amusement for the girls.

5. Self-defense: Your ability to use fancy English swear words will typically not outlast your opponents ability to kick you repeatedly in the nuts. Especially if the opponent does not speak English.

6. Academics matter: When Mr. Radhakrishnan is not home, Mrs. Radhakrishnan likes to call boys to her home to eat “biscuits” and do other fun activities. But she only calls you after you reach 10th grade. So it is very important to study hard and reach 10th grade.

7. Automobiles: Marbles in fuel tanks work much better than just random rocks.

8. Animal kingdom: Ignore what the science teacher tells you about butterflies. The only species of wildlife that are not already extinct are: crows, lizards, cows and dogs.

9. Project planning: If you are trying to get your ball from underneath a parked car, make sure you let the driver know that you’re under the car, in case he decides to start driving just when you’re under it.

10. The secret to happiness: A regular gola-sharbat costs Rs. 5. The “special gola-sharbat” costs Rs. 100 and is basically just a regular gola-sharbat with some ayurvedic whitish-brown powder sprinkled on it, which makes you feel really happy – at least for the next hour or three.

*

(.. and then one day you realize that you’re more likely to have a third cup of coffee rather than a third beer – that’s when you know you’ve grown up.)

Was your childhood in India as educational ? What’s the most exciting thing you learned ? And, as your spouse probably wants to know – are you sure your childhood is really even over ? Let Neo know in the comments.

Epilogue: As it turned out, Neo was perfectly capable of understanding melody and went on to teach himself to play the keyboard by ear. His Tabla guru eventually left the profession and went back to his banking job, and back to loving the Tabla again.

(The special gola-sharbat now costs Rs. 350.)

Here’s your moment of zen:

PS: Apparently, while the kids in India are learning important lessons about life, the kids in the US are having way too much fun. As Surekha complains:

My friends went for bally class in school (in the US). There in school premises 13 -14 years students were openly doing romance.My friend with kids was waiting outside the restroom but few teen age studen’s went before them inside restroom and didn’t came out for long and after long time they came out screaming and was doing hi 5 to their out side friends. Small kids watching this was shame.

(Neo couldn’t figure out which set Alcohol belongs to. Probably all three.)

Neo suffered from a rare form of “prostrate cancer”, i.e. the inability to figure out when and how to prostrate himself and perform Namaste.

This is the guide he wished he had read then.

How to do Namaste (a.k.a. namaskar)

There are two major techniques:

1. The I’m-feeling-particularly-humble-today technique: That’s how. Practice it at home. If you’re a guy, make sure your triceps are strong enough to push you back up without embarrassment. Having to use your knees to raise yourself up from that position will probably render you unmarriageable to any girls who are watching. The dhoti is optional, but if you are wearing it on the way down, make sure it comes back up with you.

2. The cop-out technique: If you’re going through a rough proud patch, this is an alternate form you can try (although you do really need someone to get you back to humility – Neo recommends having a “phone-a-friend” setup. Calling your mom will work fine too.)

(If you are a girl, Neo hopes that you don’t have the sort of “affectionate” uncle that exists in every family. Lets just say Neo’s younger female relatives would much rather pay their respects to “Vijay Uncle” from a distance.)

When to do Namaste

Right away! If you are currently reading a crumpled printout of this guide while someone older is staring awkwardly at you, stop reading, fall forward, perform namaste and read the rest of this guide later.

Once, Neo waited so long that Neo’s mother actually had to use her knees to push Neo down to the floor into the my-mom-wants-to-show-off-how-humble-her-son-is namaste position while Neo was nonchalantly untying his shoe-laces. (Neo sustained minor injuries to his nose, and major injuries to his ego due to the discovery that his mom was stronger than he was).

Safety tip: If the subjects you are about to perform Namaste on are in a moving vehicle (e.g. a bus), allow them to safely disembark before diving for their feet. Also, make sure they see you approach.

Whom to do Namaste to

It is just better to not be too picky about this. At his wedding. Neo was doing bulk-namaste – this involves bending down and then doing a a rapid-fire namaste to all nearby relatives without coming up for breath (this is an advanced technique outside the scope of this guide). One of the lucky recipients of Neo’s namaskar was not a relative, but instead the postman who happened to be standing there, waiting for his wedding bribe baksheesh.

There was no harm done, but neither Neo’s namaste nor the baksheesh money was enough to convince the postman to deliver the mail on time.

Why you should do Namaste instead of a handshake

Well, because it is scientific! Everyone (or at least everyone who reads Hindu Jaagruti Samiti, which is practically everyone) knows that a handshake can expose you to the “black rays emmited from the hand of a person having distress of negative energy” [sic]! (Perhaps the black rays even caused the creator of this graphic to lose his grammatical and spelling skills! Also, the guy on the left probably needs to wash his hands more often than once a year.)

Still don’t believe that handshakes are harmful ? Check out this video (if you don’t speak Marathi, get a friend to translate. Of course if you had any Marathi friends you probably wouldn’t need this guide.).

Conclusion

No system is perfect (even if it is scientifically superior). Clearly for each humble namaskarer like you, there must be a namaskaree, usually an elder, who has to stand around all day receiving namaskars and by definition cannot be as humble as you. It follows then, that the Indian system, by itself, makes it impossible for all Indians to be simultaneously humble. It’s a rat race to the top (or bottom?) of the humility organizational chart!

So (with humble respects to Albert Einstein), and this guide in hand, you are now free to try to make yourself as humble as possible, but no humbler!

(Or you can skip this whole guide and just do what Neo actually does, i.e. offer fist bumps to everyone)