The best thing to do right after your move to India: Panic

Neo arrived in India during mosquito-gras – the yearly event in Bangalore when millions of scantily-clad mosquitoes get high and swarm around searching for the Jonas Brothers mosquitoes. The good news is they are so crazed that they forget their mosquito-duty to bite you, and sort of leave you alone – just remember to keep your eyes closed while walking around. (If you couldn’t tell that Neo was exaggerating, you’re not ready to move to India. Actually he wasn’t exaggerating. He was just kidding. Not.)

So it turns out that the first few weeks after your move to India are actually a great time to panic – for one, it’s not like you’re going to get much done anyway, thanks to a combination of jet lag and complete exhaustion from the 218 trips to Ikea made in the last 3 days before you left for India (“what if they don’t have Ikea candles in India?”)

Another great reason to panic early is that your friends/relatives might sympathize, because in the early honeymoon days of your return they actually give a damn about what you are going through. Neo panicked after almost a month (midway through an otherwise excellent dosa). He pinged his cousin on Gtalk with, “On days like this I wish I was on a flight back to the US”: her reply was a not very encouraging: “brb”.

Neo always thought he was invincible, but no plan survives the first contact with the enemy: Within the first 2 minutes of their introduction, Neo’s neighbor asked him (in Hindi) “paanch crore to kamaya hoga na US mein?”, i.e. “I’m sure you must have saved up at least a million dollars in the US, right” ?

All things being equal, Neo could have easily handled the nosy neighbor. But Neo didn’t anticipate having to do that in pitch darkness while being eaten alive by a group of mosquitoes (apparently back from the Jonas Brothers concert, where no refreshments were served), and while being slowly deafened by what can only be described as “death metal played with extreme religious fervor on a south Indian drum (Thavil)”.

Neo finally lost it when Mrs. Neo asked him, “I don’t mean to pry honey, but why have you been carrying around a fire extinguisher for the past half hour?” Neo had no answer. It was all over. He smiled at his neighbor (in the darkness), put the extinguisher down, rolled up his sleeves and let the mosquitoes have their way – because, yes, they do leave you alone when they are all done.

So let it out. Get it over with. Welcome to India. Don’t forget to panic.

(Coming soon: The next phase: Euphoria)

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Category: culture | Tags: Asia, bangalore, Death metal, Government, Hindi, India, Politics, US 13 comments »

13 Responses to “The best thing to do right after your move to India: Panic”

The Fob
November 18th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
On days like these, I wish I was on a flight back to India. Ticket prices are shooting through the roof, I’m as poor as ever, and then of course, I go and read about the mosquitoes. Oh, the mosquitoes, how I miss them. Sniff sniff, sob sob.

[Reply]
neo
November 18th, 2009 at 9:46 pm
You know, I’d mail you some mosquitoes if it were legal.

[Reply]
TheGoriWife
November 18th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
They do leave you alone when they’re all done? But what do they leave you with? I can’t imagine! I think I’d likely be missing chunks of flesh if I didn’t wear full sleeves, wrap myself up burrito style in mosquito netting, and cover myself in the musky perfume of DEET.

[Reply]
neo
November 19th, 2009 at 10:07 am
TheGoriWife,

Lets just say its an underappreciated way to lose weight.

-Neo

[Reply]
Godot
November 19th, 2009 at 1:27 am
But he was right wasn’t he ? 15 years X 40% of $250k = $1.5M Assuming you had 2 incomes in the Bay Area and since you sold your stocks in 2006 he was conservative in his estimate. Perhaps even more if you worked for GOOG. Neighbours do have a nose for money. After all we are the only major religion in the world who worship Lakshmi – goddess of wealth. And in addition to Lakshmi you have the blessings of Saraswati too. Amazing blog – please keep on writing. Happiness lies within.

[Reply]
neo
November 19th, 2009 at 10:06 am
Hi Godot,

Yes – I think his math was spot on, and that’s what makes it infuriating.

And thanks for your encouragement!!

-Neo

[Reply]
litterateuse
November 19th, 2009 at 8:48 am
Isn’t there any way you can retro-post these gems? A friend had moved to India. Spent 3ish years and came back here. Now I’m beginning to believe it’s because the guys didn’t panic as soon as they landed. Heck, the least he could have done is panic because he wasn’t panicking.

Your fault, for writing this 3 years too late

Good to see you back

gauri

[Reply]
neo
November 19th, 2009 at 10:10 am
Gauri,

Well, even if he’s back – it’s never too late to panic. Ask him if he remembered to turn in his LPG gas cylinder.:-)

-Neo
PS: Good to see you back too.

[Reply]
Unknownrn
November 19th, 2009 at 10:43 am
Neo, how long do you guessyou will spend time in India before you go back to US?

[Reply]
neo
November 23rd, 2009 at 11:51 pm
Hi,

Who knows? Actually my wife probably knows, but she’s not going to tell me until a week before we move.

Why do you ask ?

-Neo

[Reply]
Bea Walker
November 19th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
If you think questions from strangers/neighbors about money are intrusive – that’s just a shot across the bow – the real money shot is when assorted strangers/neighbors/long lost relatives ask you questions about your health and bodily functions – I had it happen to me and I glowed so red I could have been a beacon for planes landing with more Indians returning to India! It never ceases to amaze me how we as Indians take such questions in stride!

I don’t remember where I read this, and have not tried them but – marigold plants around the house or marigold based oil when applied and yeast pills when ingested are said to keep away the bloodthirsty mosquitoes. Let me know if it works for you.

Good to see you posting again.

[Reply]
neo
November 23rd, 2009 at 11:50 pm
Hi Bea,

ROFL at your being a beacon. I think I actually saw a red glow in the sky last December. Was that you ?

I’ll try the oil thing. Actually it’s not that bad in winter, but I don’t like to write anything that will make my readers less scared of India.

-Neo

[Reply]
Mallika
December 1st, 2009 at 11:38 am
Mosquitogras..LOL!:)

[Reply]