Return to India myth #5: You and your kids will have lots of friends in India
by neo
“Great job!” said Neo Jr, when Neo accidentally broke the Mikasa fruit bowl (the kind you get when you have no idea what to gift someone) into 18,433 pieces. It’s not like you need more proof that Neo’s son is smarter than yours, but come on, how gifted is a child who can be sarcastic at 4?
So Neo Jr’s 4th birthday party was mostly a success, but Neo was disappointed he couldn’t meet as many hot moms potential play-date partners for Neo Jr as he’d have liked – many kids arrived with a maid to watch them. Neo was a little offended and very amused when he found out that many of the moms had their own party, hanging out at a new Thai spa. (Offended because he wasn’t invited, and very amused that Mrs. Neo wasn’t!)
But yes, two years after moving to Bangalore, it’s been a “challenge” (don’t you just love euphemistic management jargon?) for the Neos to diversify their friends circle away from other US-returned people. (It’s getting tiring – there’s only so many times Neo can feign laughter at the “Oh let’s get cake from the Prolific Oven!”, “Oh right I forgot we don’t live in the Bay Area!, hahaha” genre of jokes.)
Neo’s neighbors (many of whom have never lived outside India), would be a great natural addition to his list of friends (and be a great source of convenient next-door play dates for Junior), but there are huge differences.
Here’s just one example: safety.
Neo’s neighbors are fine with a 1:6 adult:child ratio while going to a public park. Neo prefers a 6:1 ratio – he assigns one pair of Neo Jr’s grandparents to monitor the exits, the other pair of grandparents to set up a perimeter, while Neo pushes the swing. (Mrs. Neo, like the US government in almost any international crisis, helps by “monitoring the situation closely”.)
(Neo had equipped the Neo Jr Secret Service with their own wireless communication earsets, but abandoned the plan after the following security incident: Neo’s father-in-law figured out how to listen to cricket commentary on his earset, resulting in him gazing into space while a wayward frisbee landed inside the 10-feet “no-fly” zone around Neo Jr.)
There are other issues too – Mrs. Neo abruptly terminated a play date at one of the neighbors’ when the neighbor brought out enough junk food “high-margin non-nutritive food products” to feed an army of teenagers low on self-esteem.
But for Juniors sake, the Neos will try harder – there have to be more like-minded people in a city of 6 million (and it’s easy to meet them too, since all of them are currently on the same 2km stretch of road that Neo uses to commute home).
And finally, Neo Jr has to try harder too – when Neo’s elderly neighbor tried to distract Neo Jr from a bag of chocolates with “Hey look! there’s a rocket!”, Neo Jr gave the poor old lady his best bone-chilling, one-eyebrow-raised “are you frickin kidding me?” look!
But yes, Neo Jr has nothing on this kid:
(PS: Special bonus for those readers who thought they’ve finally seen the last of Neo’s tirades on religion: Did you know that Mrs. Neo prays every night ? Yes, every night after Neo Jr goes to bed, Mrs. Neo looks to the heavens and says “Thank God he’s in bed!”)
Wow, I also found out using a highly systematic and scientific process of “Guessing” that there are at a time 18,433 vehicles crossing the traffic signal near home. So all of your family members are named after neo is it. So why not Paternal grand father neo, Paternal Grand Mother neo and so on. I think 4000 years later people will read your blog and think that there was a religion named neoism and the main God is Neo. and everyone will be named as Neo.
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… or even worse, they might think the Matrix movie story was true – look at the proof, Neo even has a blog!
-Neo
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I like the grandparent strategy. Does Mrs. Neo also issue Homeland Security advisory alerts as SMSes every now and again? (http://bit.ly/SxXYO) And please, for the love of God (oops, sorry, Ganesh, oops sorry, no deity at all), let Neo Junior eat candy, if only for the sake of poor Neo Junior fitting in. I am pulling for his quick addiction to chocolate.
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Hi Vicki,
Well I don’t prevent him from eating chocolate – I just remind him that eating chocolate is gay, which can get you jailed in India (except in Delhi, where eating chocolate and being gay is legal).
It’s funny you mention alerts – the US embassy in Chennai emails “security advisories” to US citizens living in India every now and then.
It contains practical, actionable advice like “Americans in India should be vigilant about security at all times.” (now you can understand why we are at alert level “Elmo” here.)
-Neo
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Can you register as a U.S. citizen in India (I think you told me before that you had to give that up?) That’s just what one of my coworkers did when we all interned in Israel during the war with Lebanon in 2006. I pretty much laughed at him, because, if Hezbollah comes after you, what is the State Department going to do, send you an urgent email alert? Anyway, glad to see you guys are Taking The Situation Seriously. ;)
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Hi Vicki,
Not sure what you mean, but yes US citizens living outside the US are supposed to register with the US State Department. What I gave up was Indian citizenship (i.e. my Indian passport), which was “replaced” with a Indian Overseas Citizenship (which is like a green card, except for India).
So I’m a US citizen, living as an “overseas” Indian citizen, except I’m not overseas for India, I’m overseas for the US. :-)
Straightforward, really. Almost as straightforward as my taxes. :-)
-Neo
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You probably know this , but man , you are doing a stand up act on the blogosphere . The bit about taking your child to the park was kickass !
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Thanks Kislay!!
Oh btw I clicked on the URL you entered in your comment above: Imagine my shock when it went here!! It took me a few minutes to realize you’d made a typo in your link (or did you ?! :-))
-Neo
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:D I did . I guess you figured out what the “reality” is . Why else would you be Neo , eh ?
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Just the pill the doc ordered to swallow .. er .. read .. first thing in the morning :)
BTW .. methinks Blore population is way beyond the 6 million mark. I wudnt be surprised if Blore is a crorepati by now.
The bit about safety; and the Neo Jr. Secret service had me ROTFL. And of course, your reserved the best for the last – Mrs. Neo’s piousness :D
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Hi Kiran,
Hey welcome back, and thanks! Good luck with your SCSB effort too! It looks really good so far.
-Neo
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Neo: Go to Lekhni’s blog and search for a post on neighbourliness. Drop the ‘u’ because she spells American. Read it (including comments) for tips on how to win friends and influence people in your neighbourhood.
When I lived in Bangalore, my relationship with neighbours was one of mutual staring. They stared at me “obviously North Indian, must be cooking meat (it was a company guest house and there was no working kitchen so my flatmate and I used to dry our laundry downstairs but I digress), oh look a boy is visiting (my friend’s married brother often picked me up so I could spend time with them in Koramangala)” – and I stared at them (all smelly, dosa-sambar eating people who need translation for their English and who have no job at 7am but to stare at a girl from their windows). They sometimes stood with elbows resting on the common wall, staring at me or my flatmate fill up our drinking water for the day. We pretended they were invisible. Oh, those were the days…
Cherish your privacy and solitude while you have it. As the Joni sang: you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.
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Shefaly,
Maybe its just me..I don’t think your comment sounds very “PC”. But since I have been a follower of this blog and have read/exchanged comments with you often, I do hope your comment was just humo(u)rous and any offense perceived was unintended..
Thx,
Mallika
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Ya, read this “Shefaly’s” comment days ago. Took offenCe. Initially didn’t want to dignify such nonsense with a reply, but what the heck. Typical third-rate NRI prejudice. We call it SLIME(Self-Loathing Indian Mentality).Well, if she really thinks all dosa-sambar people eaters are “smelly”,she has no idea what a great favour she has done us by leaving India. There is enough SLIME on our roads :|
Really I thought this lady was different from the other NRI whiners. Was mistaken, evidently. Lost all respect for her.(Don’t think she’d care though.)
Yours in Indianness,
Just Another Voyeuristic Smelly Dosa Sambar Eater Who Needs Translation For His English :|
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Akshay,
I wouldn’t quite call this NRI prejudice. I’m an NRI myself. All cultures have their stereotypes and blogs like these provide an avenue for us to express ourselves freely. There’s a fine line between sounding facetious and offending someone. I think that’s the line this comment crosses..I’m not one to shrug my shoulders and let things pass, which is why I put in the follow up comment.
Thanks,
Mallika
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I just don’t get why dosa-sambar eating is an insult. I mean, come on – that stuff is GOOD any time of the day!
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:)
-Mallika
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^^^^
Look I didn’t like the tone of her article. It sounds really offensive and downright rude. I don’t know what kind of experiences she’s had with dosa-sambar eaters, but her remarks are clearly very pointed and snide asides at South Indians in general. And I didn’t like it, not because I’m a South Indian( For the record,I’ve lived in Maharashtra most of my life and can’t even speak Tamil , my mother-tongue,properly ), but because it’s a very rude thing to say.And if it was supposed to be funny, then all I can say is I’m not laughing :|
It’s no longer cool to get laughs by typecasting a culture as its less refined constituents.
You people may refute me all you want. I couldn’t care less.
I’ll just go back to my Dosa-Sambar eating and gawking at my neighbour while she dries her clothes :|
Very bad. I’m really disappointed :| :(
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GoriGirl, there isn’t much you *get* is there? Or is this just a lame attempt to get people to look at your blog?
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Someone’s been drinking the haterade. *rolls eyes*
It’s just an odd lineup of insults “Your mother is a hamster and your father smells of elderberries…. oh, and you eat dosas!” Stick with the hamsters and the elderberries – don’t drag the dosas into the middle of it all.
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@GoriGirl,
You still don’t get it do ya? Calling south Indians “smelly, dosa-sambar eating people” is like calling a Mexican or anyone from south of the border a “wetback” or an African American a “nigger”, not quite in the same league as calling you mom a hamster.
Would you like it if folks here in the US called your hubby a smelly curryhead? Bet you’d cry racism.. and you cry wolf at the slightest provocation. I read your blog some.. I don’t think you know much about Indian culture.
Are you (blog) commercial?
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Uh, I don’t agree with Shefaly’s insults. I think she’s being racist in calling South Indians “all smelly, dosa-sambar eating people who need translation for their English and who have no job at 7am but to stare at a girl from their windows.”
My original comment (in reply to Mallika, who actually got it), was that “dosa-sambar eating” is a really stupid adjective to throw in with the rest of them. The others are all clearly insults – but eating dosas or sambar is just, uh, eating a regular ol’ food – probably one that Shefaly has eaten and enjoyed herself. It’d be like me calling my Mexican grandfather some line up of insults, including wetback, and then throwing in, “and, and, you eat tacos!.”
Regarding my blog – I’ve never made claims that I know very much about Indian culture – in fact, I specifically mention that I have limited knowledge of India & Indians in my About page. If you don’t like the blog, that’s cool, tho – no one is forcing you to read it. Go off and do something else – perhaps watch some Monty Python? ;-)
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Shefaly,
And that “common wall” has now become Facebook, Twitter and other innumerable “social networking” websites, with bloggers waiting with with bated breath that someone will read and comment on their blog and in turn tell the world what they are doing etc.
Don’t forget that “Man is a social animal”, (Social Studies 101!) and we all want to stare and be stared at (with exceptions of course).
The pseudonymous status of bloggers does not matter, you know who you are!
Not sure what you meant to say by your comment, but I think it has had the opposite effect :)
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Hey Shefaly.. sup girl.. you alright? I enjoy reading your blog.. this ain’t you. Hope you get back to your usual self.
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Exactly my thoughts..all this dialogue and not one word from the person who triggered all of this?!
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Joanne, Easily Amused, Mallika:
The comment is as “insulting” to North Indians as it is to South Indians. In Bangalore, North Indians used to sit uneasily with the locals until of course they decided not to mingle with them at all and build their lives around Ring Road – working, living, mall-ing. This observation, just like the original comment, was not meant to be PC and it was meant to be humorous.
But as I notice, while I was away from being online for a few days, the whole thing has brewed into a hate-fest. Great to be called racist (by @Gorigirl) and to be called slime (by @Akshay) meanwhile. Nice one, guys!
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I still say I didn’t like it. It sounds rude to me. Maybe it is too mild to be called a manifestation of SLIME, (It’s not the hand- wringing, shrieking,hysterical Arundhati Roy style remark) but I still don’t understand such humour. Call me what you want. Intellectually poor, or grouchy or retarded or whatever. I neither like making such jokes nor hearing them.
But I don’t hate you, heh. Why on earth should I? I hardly know you, ma’am…. I didn’t like your comments. Found them offensive so responded in kind. Simple. If I started hating every Tom, Dick and Harry who makes such remarks,I’d be a really grumpy guy.
And I’m too young to die…
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Shefaly,
Your intention was probably to make this humorous. But clearly this comment isn’t just as insulting to North Indians as it is to South Indians. Being stared at for eating meat *isn’t* the same as being stared at for being smelly and not being able to speak English. If you disagree, switch your comment around and see how you would perceive it yourself.
And for the record,none of what is quoted is true(and clearly, not humorous!). Not every North Indian eats meat,not every South Indian is vegetarian. I can tell you no South Indian is smelly, maybe some South Indians can’t speak English well, but that is true of North Indians as well. Regardless, does one’s knowledge of English put them on some kind of a pedestal?
If North Indians in Bangalore decide not to mingle with the locals, maybe the locals aren’t really missing much. I hate making such remarks, but your response to these comments have triggered this type of a response from me. All of us know how welcoming Bangalore is to non-locals. You can be from any part of India(or the world!) and live in Bangalore just as you would in your city of origin. Anyway, I have a lot of North Indian friends and I know for sure that they don’t share this mentality.
Unfortunately, comments/mentality like yours is responsible for what keeps India so divided to this day. A “questionable” comment in the first place, and then a response like this even after looking at the dialogue it triggered?! Since you seem to enjoy this, I’d like to add to what @Akshay and @GoriGirl had to say by saying “Thank God the rest of the world doesn’t feel the same way as you!”
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You know, at times I feel life in the US is a lot closer to my memory of India than what has become of upper-middle class life in India. Tell me I’m wrong? Rather, please tell me I’m right :)
g
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Well, you’re right – you are a dinosaur! :-P
-Neo
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Lol, touché. But it’s nice to be a dinosaur who ‘fits in’ because of its absence (as opposed to the exhibit pushing a swing in the middle of a kids’ park – you should see one to believe it! :-|)
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So when you want the neighbours’ kid to play with Jr., do you kick in their door, and ask them politely “Sir, please ask your son to step out slowly with his hands behind his head? Sir, do it now!”
Of course, the grandparents have secured the hallway and the foyer by this time!
Good one!
Cheers,
Quirky Indian
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It’s about 70 in the bay area, light breeze and a beautiful sun set.. I grilled a bass – tender and flaky to the fork, the wife cooked up a steaming plate of pasta (sauce from scratch made with heirloom tomatoes our good friend – gardner_girl(If you were single I’d force you to marry her) gave us, I’ve a sneaky feeling she’d give us her first born and go smoke pot.. but that’s another story)
So, great dinner.. paired with a pinot girgio I scored for 90% off.. made it just fabulous.. I was buzzed and feeling expansive.. then the little one said grandma (my wife’s mom) farts a lot.. so I laughed like any indulgent father would and shook my head and said “We don’t talk like that in this house” or some such.
Apparently that was not enough for my wife.. she started out saying how I was always sending mixed messages and how I was always laughing when my little one said crude things about her folks.. and how I was not stepping up as an authority figure and layin down the law when her folks were made fun of.. and it went on to.. about how now I can forget her dressing up like Palin for my Birthday… and what did I see in Palin anyways.. that dumb redneck hussy.
Well, let me tell you mano a mano (Coz women will never get this).. what’s not to like in a moose hunting.. fishin.. beer drinking.. spitting, hissing, clawin pitbull ex-Governor.. who could one day well be our President. She’s gotta be one hella fiery fire cracker in bed.
Well, can you imagine Todd’s bragging rights.
Tiger woods: I won the xxxxxxx today, I’m feeling good.
Todd: I fucked the President of the United States.. (and laughs at Tiger) twice on the breakfast table, while the secret service kept watch!
Women will never understand.. Palin represents the last chance for us mid 30′s men at banging that hot hot older women… especially one that’s has absolute control over every minute of your time under her.. not since were we in middle school and lusted after that hot biology teacher who taught us all about the reproductory system and who we were convinced gave us low marks so we could spend all that one on one time talking about how we should pay more attention in class (while she taught us about her reproductory system).. more attention.. wink! wink!.. Get it?
Oh well.. what am I doing writing here.. for one thing.. I’m buzzed and wife is mad at me.. and I’m not getting laid tonight.. and hey how did you ever get out of that dog house? How long does this last? Should I pretend I don’t remember any of it tomorrow morning? Will that work?
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Update: All’s well.. I “talked” with the ‘ll one. No more fart jokes… and promised the wife I’d watch my potty mouth. So all’s quite on the western front. Great Sunday evening.. am taking the wife and son to the crystal springs reservoir for a walk and run.
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Guys,
For all those smart-ass quips neo has in his posts, he’s really naive when it comes to glaring hints, let alone subtle ones like these. Why don’t I just spell it out to him?
Neo – if you don’t come up with your next post soon enough, we’re going to turn this into our personal hate-forum. Well, I know I am. And why, while at it I’m even thinking of moving my personal emails here. Anyway most people I write to do read your blog.
I seriously hope you don’t think real life is more important than take-a-dig-at-everything posts? No pressure, but you have 24 hours before God intervenes. And then I don’t know who it’ll be more embarrassing for – God or you. But I do know it’s going to be fun for the rest of us to watch :P
Your time starts…now!
g
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Well I am sure that B’lore’s terrorism problems will be solved if you were put in charge…oh! well maybe the whole world’s problems…
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[...] b) Return to India myth #5. [...]
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[...] has repeatedly talked about the isolation that the Indian diaspora feels in the U.S. And the alienation doesn’t limit itself to first generation immigrants; many feel totally disconnected from their [...]
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heyo
i love your writing!
although just a piece of friendly advice from an indian return from the us, I would say honestly that kind of constant vigilance is not reallly needed. im 19 and i moved here 3 years ago with my parents and bangalore is alot safer than delhi ( which is where i live!)
also the more obvious you make yourself to be different which will be plenty obvious if you insist on having 6 people go to the park with your child or other things like that the more unlikely you are to diversify in terms of friends- because chances are you will end up in a bubble like my past 2 years! which is totally lame..im at Delhi University now -coming from the american embassy school , and and its totallly different and a big problem cos my parents are so different/i grew up so different etc etc. just be open, go with the flow ofcourse stay smart and alert but no real need to go by the crazy things your parents tell you about unsafe india and so on!
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