It takes Neo’s special grasp of the English language to understand that when Mrs. Neo says “Fine!” at the end of an argument, it is neither the end of the argument, nor does it mean that things are “fine”.

Image via Wikipedia

It is the same, sophisticated, auto-antonym-grokking intelligence that allows Neo to understand how he can be an “Overseas Citizen of India” without being overseas, or being a citizen of India!

The clearest explanation of this “(not-always-)Overseas (non-)Citizenship of India” comes not from the Indian government, but from the storied makers of the green-card-that-is-not-green, i.e. the US government, which informs us:

“… an American who obtains [the Overseas Citizenship of India (OCI)] is not a citizen of India and remains a citizen of the United States […] An OCI card in reality is similar to a U.S. “green card” in that a holder can travel to and from India indefinitely […]”

Image via Wikipedia

But the Indian Government is remarkably consistent in its desire to make everything sound and look exactly the opposite of what it is, because the physical OCI card looks exactly like a passport, except it’s not a passport.

Now, you might think that carrying around things-that-look-like-passports-but-aren’t is really no big deal, but that’s because you didn’t have to face the Singapore immigration official whose eyes narrowed to the sorts of apertures that are usually associated with a pinhole camera when he saw 6 multi-colored passports tumble out of Neo’s passport pouch – for a family of 3.

But you can’t really blame the Singaporean official – after all, when the newly-OCI-endowed Neo arrived in India (in late 2005), the first reaction from the Indian immigration official who saw Neo’s OCI card was, “Why were you standing in the foreigners line ? You’re an Indian citizen!”.

(On subsequent visits to India this error has been corrected, and now the Indian immigration officials regard Neo with the same surly, if-you-didn’t-visit-so-often-we-wouldn’t-be-so-busy stare, just like all the other  “OMG its our first time to India, Megan stop staring at that man right now or we’re flying back to Baltimore!” foreigners waiting patiently in line.)

And so it is that sometimes words can come to mean the exact opposite of what they mean – last weekend when Neo remarked that his mother-in-law’s rasam was fine, Mrs. Neo stormed out of the room – probably angered more by Neo’s correct use of the word “fine” than the slight to the hallowed rasam.

(No prizes for guessing the last word that came out of Mrs. Neo’s mouth just before she stormed out).

PS: For those of you who are still struggling with the various meanings of the word “fine”, this video is a must-watch (gulp down that coffee first).

“Great job!” said Neo Jr, when Neo accidentally broke the Mikasa fruit bowl (the kind you get when you have no idea what to gift someone) into 18,433 pieces. It’s not like you need more proof that Neo’s son is smarter than yours, but come on, how gifted is a child who can be sarcastic at 4?

So Neo Jr’s 4th birthday party was mostly a success, but Neo was disappointed he couldn’t meet as many hot moms potential play-date partners for Neo Jr as he’d have liked – many kids arrived with a maid to watch them. Neo was a little offended and very amused when he found out that many of the moms had their own party, hanging out at a new Thai spa. (Offended because he wasn’t invited, and very amused that Mrs. Neo wasn’t!)

But yes, two years after moving to Bangalore, it’s been a “challenge” (don’t you just love euphemistic management jargon?) for the Neos to diversify their friends circle away from other US-returned people. (It’s getting tiring – there’s only so many times Neo can feign laughter at the “Oh let’s get cake from the Prolific Oven!”, “Oh right I forgot we don’t live in the Bay Area!, hahaha” genre of jokes.)

Neo’s neighbors (many of whom have never lived outside India), would be a great natural addition to his list of friends (and be a great source of convenient next-door play dates for Junior), but there are huge differences.

Here’s just one example: safety.

Neo’s neighbors are fine with a 1:6 adult:child ratio while going to a public park. Neo prefers a 6:1 ratio – he assigns one pair of Neo Jr’s grandparents to monitor the exits, the other pair of grandparents to set up a perimeter, while Neo pushes the swing. (Mrs. Neo, like the US government in almost any international crisis, helps by “monitoring the situation closely”.)

(Neo had equipped the Neo Jr Secret Service with their own wireless communication earsets, but abandoned the plan after the following security incident: Neo’s father-in-law figured out how to listen to cricket commentary on his earset, resulting in him gazing into space while a wayward frisbee landed  inside the 10-feet “no-fly” zone around Neo Jr.)

There are other issues too – Mrs. Neo abruptly terminated a play date at one of the neighbors’ when the neighbor brought out enough junk food “high-margin non-nutritive food products” to feed an army of teenagers low on self-esteem.

But for Juniors sake,  the Neos will try harder – there have to be more like-minded people in a city of 6 million (and it’s easy to meet them too, since all of them are currently on the same 2km stretch of road that Neo uses to commute home).

And finally, Neo Jr has to try harder too – when Neo’s elderly neighbor tried to distract Neo Jr from a bag of chocolates with “Hey look! there’s a rocket!”, Neo Jr gave the poor old lady his best bone-chilling, one-eyebrow-raised “are you frickin kidding me?” look!

But yes, Neo Jr has nothing on this kid:

(PS: Special bonus for those readers who thought they’ve finally seen the last of Neo’s tirades on religion: Did you know that Mrs. Neo prays every night ? Yes, every night after Neo Jr goes to bed, Mrs. Neo looks to the heavens and says “Thank God he’s in bed!”)

“Do you feel safer outside a bar or outside a temple?” – a close “moderate” friend triumphantly asked Neo, while making the ok-maybe-its-not-entirely-true-but-its-still-useful case for religion.

Well, certainly Neo can concede that there are some temples that are safer than some bars – but (as anyone who’s visited the Kali temple in Kolkata knows), there are some temples that are actually more dangerous than many bars!

Speaking of things that are safer than bars, is Neo’s favorite cake shop in Bangalore divine too? The evidence is more compelling than it seems – on his last visit to “the Cake shop of the Taj”, Neo observed a lady who, after taking the first bite from her (accurately labeled) “death by chocolate” cake, exclaimed “oh God! oh God!”.

Of course the “but its better than going to a bar” argument is a  bit of a straw-man argument. Surely there are stronger cases for being religious (although Neo hasn’t heard any yet).

But what Neo told his friend surprised him: “religious moderates are the problem, since they create the cake on which the fungus of extremism could potentially grow”.

Ok, the cake analogy is getting stale already, so let’s switch to alcohol: Just like every alcoholic was a “social drinker” once, every extremist was once a moderate.

(Neo had an excellent sex analogy too, but he wants to stick to the “stuff-that’s-bad-for-you” theme. (And yes, all software guys love brackets within brackets!)).

Drinking is not bad for a society because moderate drinking is bad, but because moderate drinking significantly increases the risk of becoming an alcoholic.

“Extreme moderates”, i.e. those who believe in “moderation in everything” should consider that in many cases, moderation is an oxymoron (“moderately virgin”) or evil (“moderate supporter of terrorism”). But in other cases it has so much potential of turning bad, that you’re almost surely better off without it – “moderate drinker”, “moderate lover of chocolate cake” and “moderately religious”.

So did Neo moderate his “extremely moderate” religious friend with the above argument ? No – but Neo led by example. Neo showed his “moderate atheism” (another oxymoron) by pointing out one of the major drawbacks of being an atheist – atheists don’t really know what to say instead of “oh God” while having sex!

Back in the US, when Mrs. Neo was in labor, after every contraction, she asked Neo “Are you ok?”, much to the snickering amusement of the excellent nurses who helped Mrs. Neo during childbirth at a popular Bay Area hospital.

Mrs. Neo’s concern was misplaced – Neo did not, in fact, faint when he saw Mrs. Neo get her epidural anesthesia. He just got momentarily dizzy and had to lie down because he hadn’t eaten for more than 18 hours. A quick drink of (Mrs. Neo’s) orange juice, and a couple of crackers later, he was ready for anything Mrs. Neo was going to throw at him, including (literally) – the baby!

After Neo moved back to India, his immediate family has been involved in 2-3 illnesses that required hospitalization. And to the extent that hospitalization is always traumatic, overall his experience has been surprisingly good.

So here are a few tips that can help you in case you or your loved ones fall seriously ill in India:

1. You’re probably better off in a hospital than a clinic:

First, lets get one thing straight. There are some roadside chaat shops that serve food that is tasty enough to justify the risk of stomach flu. (Actually the lack of a refrigerator in the roadside joints often means the food is likely to be fresher than in the overpriced restaurant you’re likely to visit. What (figuratively) kills you is usually the water.)

So if you do get a severe stomach flu (or even for existential breakdowns like “omg why am I not staying in India? I miss my parents so much! And look my kids are having so fun!”) you’re probably better off visiting a good hospital. (It’s better than wasting an hour hunting down the carefully hidden sign in font size 6 that says “Dr. Vidya’s clinic”, only to find that it’s closed because “madam didn’t come today”.)

Major hospitals are easier to find, are open 24 hours, and have everything you need in one place (including 24-hour labs, pharmacies and lots of other similarly out-of-place NRIs). When in doubt, just enter through the emergency section (they will usually have valet parking). Most hospitals have a separate pediatric emergency room as well.

(If a guard stops you, just shout “emergency” and proceed to park just about anywhere you please, though try not to block the only exit for the ambulance.)

2. Know where you need to go before you need to go:

What is true for restrooms in downtown New York is true for hospitals in India too. Except, instead of merely the “good” when it comes to restrooms, you need to identify the best (not a good, but the absolute very best hospital) in your area, before someone falls ill. 80% of your Indian healthcare experience will depend on choosing the right hospital.

Most hospitals need you to fill out a fairly long one-time registration form when you first visit (Neo always fills out “None” for religion, and “homo sapiens” for caste). So it’s not a bad idea to visit your preferred hospital for a routine checkup just so you can get registered and you’re familiar with the layout.

3. You don’t need cash, but keep it anyway:

You will pass the hospital’s “visual credit check” if you are well-dressed and can talk in English. Most good hospitals will start treating you right away (in the emergency room), without demanding you to register, show insurance or pay a “deposit” first. However, its a good idea to keep cash (or credit cards), just in case you’ve been partying so hard the night before that you might fail the visual credit check test.

4. Don’t panic:

Relax. This is just Neo’s opinion, but vast majority of patients who go to good Indian hospitals probably get well and go home, without feeling the need to tweet, blog or post on Internet forums. There is probably a smaller, unhappy minority is much more motivated to let everyone know (sort of like one (ok, two) of Neo’s ex-girlfriends). So, once you’ve chosen a good hospital, stay optimistic but alert.

5. Be polite:

Good Indian hospitals are extremely busy, and many of the staff who speak to you will be overworked and low on sleep. But being polite can get you to places where no one has been before. Neo once got the hospital administration to break one of their strictest rules – they allowed the patient to be discharged and go home even though the insurance claim was still being processed (see point 9). All by being polite, patient and generally seeming like the kind of nice guy who could be (and probably is) playing tennis with the hospital CEO’s son.

6. Understand the difference between hospital administration and healthcare staff:

Neo cringes when he sees people yelling at the nurses about some room issue (usually the air-conditioning or the lack of the Cartoon Channel for their totally unmanageable child). This is about as productive as complaining to the DMV about the poor condition of Highway 101.

Make sure you address all non-healthcare concerns to the hospital administration. The quality of your room and the efficiency of the billing department is orthogonal to the quality of your healthcare. (The converse is also true – don’t let a swanky room lull you into thinking the healthcare must be good, too!)

7. Doctor reputation matters:

Just like in your high school, in every hospital department (e.g. pediatrics), there are 2-3 alpha doctors. The nurses and other staff are busy trying to suck up to these guys, which usually (and unfairly) translates to better care for their patients.

So make sure you choose your doctors wisely. In an emergency, if you don’t know the name of any doctor, just ask for the “head of department”, or “HOD” for short. (In South India, you don’t really have to pronounce the H like “hetch”. But maybe it helps.).

8. Get the most expensive room you can afford:

Most hospitals offer a wide range of rooms. The lowest end will be “general wards” where the number of illnesses being passed around comfortably exceed the number of illnesses being treated. The highest end will be the presidential suite featuring panoramic views of the Bangalore skyline, and a Cisco telepresence room in case you need to have a meeting with your army generals in the Gulf about the situation in Iran.

But even if you don’t need to video-conference while having your appendix removed, you are probably better off with the more expensive rooms, simply because they have a higher nurse-to-patient ratio. Also, competition between the nurses usually ensures that the best nurses are assigned to the more expensive rooms.

In theory, the doctors are common to all the rooms, although the higher fees they earn from the more expensive rooms might mean they are “sold out” for the less expensive ones.

Plus, the better rooms have Internet access, so you can read up about your illness in real-time and make last-minute changes to your will, depending on who shows up to meet you and who “calls it in”.

9. Understand how insurance works:

The hospital will assume you are paying cash unless the word insurance comes out of your mouth during the check-in process. At that point, the check-in lady who’s having a bad day as usual will hand you a completely different set of forms than the ones you just finished filling out. You then need to visit some euphemistically named “Corporate center” (usually near the main entrance to the hospital) to get the insurance claim started.

And do follow-up with the insurance representative in the hospital – If your insurance claim is not approved before you are ready to be discharged, you need to pay your entire hospital bill in cash and the insurance company will reimburse you later. (This is the worst-case scenario. Neo hasn’t had this happen to him yet.)

Finally:

That’s it! This is one set of tips Neo hopes you will never need. And as always, keep in mind that all the information above is just the subjective view of one pseudonymous blogger who often faints at the first sign of a needle. So do your own research!

Do you have any more tips ? Let Neo know in the comments!