Shefaly (69)
Easily Amused (61)
Roshni (50)
Mallika (27)
Kislay Chandra (23)
gauri (22)
Gori Girl (22)
Dinesh (21)
Joanne (19)Why creepy men are good for you
Neo is grateful to the creepy man who said “Your hair smells so nice” to Mrs. Neo.
And to Mrs. Neo’s next potential “arranged marriage date”, who asked her (on the phone before they had met) – “how often do you pray?”.
There are those who say “if it weren’t for the arranged marriage system, many people would simply never get married!” – to which Neo says: “Yes, and that’s a good thing!”
But Neo is being too critical – After all, if it weren’t for the arranged marriage system and the several dozen randomly-chosen AstroSoulMate-searched creepy men that Mrs. Neo “met”, Neo would have never found such a prime location in the gene pool. (And, as with real estate, it’s all about location, location, location!)
It all started with Mrs. Neo’s matrimonial ad: “Smart, successful, progressive woman seeks outwardly normal-looking man who will turn into a traditional, religious and sexist man soon after marriage”. Ok maybe Neo doesn’t remember the exact text, but the ad certainly represents the general direction in which Mrs. Neo’s spouse-hunt was going.
Ignoring the obvious redundancies within the phrase “Traditional, religious and sexist” for now, what Mrs. Neo was trying to do was to strike a “balance” – please her parents by agreeing to an arranged marriage with a man they would like, but trying to find a spouse she could well, literally, live with.
But the problem with Mrs. Neo was that she was overly choosy. What, indeed, is wrong with a guy who used the dinner napkin to somewhat unsubtly dispose off the chewing gum he was eating ? Ok so he left a “chewing gum trail” hanging on his chin. And then, out of the blue, asked Mrs. Neo if she was ovulating. So what – haven’t we all done that at some point on our first dates ?
And not everyone realizes how much food girls eat at dinner. Yes, the guy ordered just one bruschetta split between two people for dinner. But how unfair was Mrs. Neo to say that she found the restaurant waiter, who brought soup “on the house”, more attractive ?
To be fair, even Mrs. Neo faced rejections. Apparently, the men who inhabit the “men seeking mom-replacement” section on shaadi.com cannot live on highly-simplified lemon rasam alone. Which was an issue, considering “sour lemon rasam” and “extra-sour lemon rasam” make up approximately 95% of Mrs. Neo’s cooking repertoire (the other 5% is her skill in using an electric rice cooker). At least Mrs. Neo could have gotten to second date by mentioning avial!
And so it went – Friday evening after wasted Friday evening, each ending Mrs. Neo’s parents giving her a new twist on the “everything-cant-be-perfect-they-are-brahmins-what-more-do-you-want” talk she had heard last Friday.
Somewhere between the 18th “I will make us rich by investing in the stock market according to astrological charts” dude and the 23rd “my parents don’t know about my white girlfriend *wink*” guy, Neo and Mrs. Neo met via a series of fortunate musical events that might be the subject of future posts, if the plebeians demand it.
Neo’s resume-screening abilities are obvious within the first few minutes of meeting him – e.g., it takes Neo 20 seconds to decide what he wants to eat. Impressed by what she saw (in more ways than one, in hindsight), Mrs. Neo requested Neo’s help to screen the resumes of the potential spouses, so that Mrs. Neo could avoid slipping further into the depressive spiral that comes from being a Raiders fan whilst simultaneously seeking your spouse in the arranged marriage market.
It wasn’t long before Mrs. Neo popped the question to Neo: “So what’s a cool guy like you doing with this loser of a girl?”. Even pseudonymous bloggers with megalomaniacal names like “Neo” have their blind spots – Neo had never stopped to screen the people in his own life. His relationship at the time could only be described in Facebook-language – It’s complicated.
But just a short “bada boom, bada bing” while later, Mrs. Neo became the Mrs. Neo we have all come to love and admire. Is she aware of how lucky she is ? Of course she is. Will she ever admit it to Neo in so many words ? No.
But if Mrs. Neo were the kind to speak her mind clearly and forcefully, she would never have been in the arranged marriage market meeting creepy men in the first place, and perhaps never met Neo.
So hurrah for creepy men in general, and hurrah for the specific creepy hair-smelling man that Mrs. Neo met – he is single as of the time this post went to press, but has gone on to contribute to the creation of at least six highly successful marriages.
Epilogue: Mrs. Neo’s parents were so exhausted after the 51st guy Mrs. Neo rejected, the only question they asked about Neo on the phone was “Is he clean shaven?”.
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Category: Elders, culture | Tags: Education and Enrichment, Facebook, Marriage, Neo, Politics, Real estate, Relationships 41 comments »
June 3rd, 2009 at 5:47 pm
Neo: who are we to begrudge a creep his creepiness.. they are a much maligned lot.
So in in defense of Mr. Creep:
We presuppose that Mr. Creep was out looking for “a suitable bride” your normal – everyday strong willed.. hear me roar kinda girl.
Mr Creep could have been variously ..
1) Closet gay – trying to mollify dad and mom by meeting ever girl they send his way and.. scaring them off.
2) Brilliantly gifted to the point where he finds mere mortals boring.
3) A creep who likes being creepy for the sheer joy that creepiness brings.
4) A creep who’s looking for an equally creepy soulmate girlthing to spend eternity with.
Personally, I missed out on all the fun of arranged setups.. I wonder what meeting random girls for the express purpose of having babies with feels like (of course there is the minor inconvenience of having to marry them first.. but..). But imagine meeting someone and going “My ma and dada think you’d be a good fit to have kids with, what is your sperm count?”
When you take into consideration the fact that most (hetro) people marry to produce kids.. questions like “are you ovulating” begin to make sense..
Mr. creep was unfortunately too direct in his inquires about the functional fitness of the various bits and pieces of his interest.
Or maybe he knew that women are more apt to taking chances when they are ovulating.. perhaps his only hope was to the use the temporary hormonal haze to slip under the radar long enough and quickly close the deal – before she knew what hit her and came to her sense.
There are many a women who ask themselves.. and have been asked.. what they saw in their husbands/baby_daddies.. the answer to which I’m sure.. are (a) I was drunk (b) I must have been ovulating.
Unfortunately Mr. Creep’s somewhat blunt and ultimately self defeating approach was his undoing.
If he had been more observant and paid attention to a subtle glow, the dilated pupils, the slight flaring of the nostrils.. he could have ascertained it himself, and thus lucked out with whichever of the six lovely girls he met was ovulating.
Contributing to the gene pool is more an accident than an efficient selection process.. else.. we’d all be Einstein like brainiacs and/or super models.
Some times mother nature.. in her infinite wisdom produces forth people… so flawed.. that their only purpose in life is to server as a cautionary tale to others.. and be tiger food.. but we’ve (almost) killed all the tigers.
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June 4th, 2009 at 1:00 am
LOL. First of all, judging from Mrs. Neo’s accounts of how badly dressed and unattractive many were, – I think gay people will take offense at your comment.
And I’m still trying to figure out the ovulating question. I mean, why would you want to know if the girl was ovulating “right now” ? “Do you ovulate regularly” might have been a more relevant question right ?
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June 4th, 2009 at 5:18 am
My apologies to the gay community, but having lived in the San Francisco Bay area for longer than I care.. there are those that buck the stereotype…there always is the occasional statistical anomaly that stumps everyone… even in the gay community
My guess is the diligent Mr. Creep did his “research”.
After plying the object of your affection with much chocolate cake and copious quantities of alcohol.. if asked with much finesse and humor and lots of silly giggling….a line like “So are you ovulating ?” can be a turn on.. I can see.. how a women inebriated while ovulating will totally fall for a line like that.. Bond does it all the time.
Ergo.. my guess: Mr. Creep stumbled across this little nugget somewhere during his “research”….and was out to game the system.
http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=85105
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/11/081112074436.htm
http://www.thesage-speaks.com/masculine-men-favored-during-ovulation/
I’m also sure there’s a “How to pick up chicks 101″ that lists in alphabetical order one liners currently in vogue and guaranteed to get you some.
And given the ridiculously self aggrandized view of our (hyper)masculinity.. no doubt in Mr. Creep’s mind’s eye “coffee (or is it lemon rasam and rice?) with him is waaayyy better than champagne with Bond”. His mom told him so.
But alas..asked over a tepid cup of coffee by someone who resembles a henchman badly in need of a shower and a hair cut.. “Are you ovulating ?” could only elicit an alarmed “Why? Are you going to steal my eggs?” and make anyone head for the hills… let alone someone with such finely refined criteria in a mate as Mrs. Neo obviously is.
We like to think mom and dad, set out explicitly to create us in a beautiful enchanted garden under moonlight by a choir of singing cherubs .. and got exactly what they wanted in a child. Unfortunately, more kids are born to pity sex, torn condoms, missed pills, alcohol and raging hormones than we give credit to… Indeed, the first four have forever changed human evolution as we know it.
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June 3rd, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Boy, for someone who is married, you do sure spend a lot of time perusing the various “alt” sections of Shaadi.com…women for women…men who want to replace their moms…etc.
I know, I know, it’s for RESEARCH. Strictly.
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June 4th, 2009 at 1:03 am
It’s only to make sure Mrs. Neo doesn’t feel that there is a part of her life that I don’t quite relate to.
Mrs. Neo stopped me from talking to a creepy girl at the restaurant on Saturday though. I just wanted to see how Mrs. Neo felt.
I also make lemon rasam and rice once every few months.
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June 3rd, 2009 at 6:06 pm
Luckily we gujjus only talk about money, business, travel, food, and money. How creepy can you get??
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June 4th, 2009 at 1:07 am
ROFL. But seriously – “what’s in your investment portfolio” is a far more relevant question to ask of a potential spouse than “Are you ovulating”, no ?
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June 3rd, 2009 at 6:29 pm
This plebeian demands it
Apologies to Mrs. Neo but methinks Mr. Neo would have a hilarious tale to tell – so, good idea for another related post
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June 4th, 2009 at 1:08 am
Ok, will do. If this site is still up after Mrs. Neo reads this post (yes she reads all the comments too), then yes, that post shall be written.
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June 3rd, 2009 at 8:02 pm
‘Are you ovulating’?? Are you serious?? I would have thrown the on-the-house soup at his face!!!
Mrs Neo doesn’t seem to be on the editing board of your blog!
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June 4th, 2009 at 1:10 am
There was some other soup-worthy stuff that was said to Mrs. too, but Mrs. Neo leans heavily towards the “cure is better than prevention” side of the equation – and I’m already at “two strikes”. So I won’t tell you about the time this guy asked her if she had a younger sister.
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June 4th, 2009 at 11:34 am
careful! Don’t forget the banished-to-the-couch incident that took place a few posts ago!!
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June 3rd, 2009 at 8:08 pm
Hilarious, as usual……
And the “clean-shaven” remark, LOL!
Your pseudonymous status may not remain so much longer, thanks to the above statement
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June 4th, 2009 at 1:11 am
Yes, that really narrows it down doesn’t it ?
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June 3rd, 2009 at 8:55 pm
Aww just look at that Lego Man. No really. He doesn’t have a nose; he can’t smell her hair. And he does have that Brahmin hairdo. And lookie, he’s clean shaven too! And: I.haven’t.seen.him.blog.about.Mrs..Neo’s.relatives *ouch*
I love the way not-so-creepy men cleverly turn around the who-is-lucky-to-have-who part of the story. I can imagine how an “Actually I’m the one who’s lucky to have her” could creep the hell out of her. You must be what they call “really nice”
Almost dead (I think),
g
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June 4th, 2009 at 1:23 am
You know, Mrs. Neo wouldn’t mind a noseless (as opposed to a nosy) husband in hindsight. Nasal allergies at key moments of your life (e.g. “the moment we both knew”, “just after our baby was born” etc.) are not fun.
And I don’t need 700 word blog posts to tell her how lucky I feel. Like any loving husband I have a stash of Hallmark cards in the closet (it’s inefficient to buy one per visit – is your next birthday wish to your spouse going to be really all that different from this one?).
Besides, anniversaries and birthdays have a habit of “creeping” up on you without warning. And with all these Google Mail and Calendar outages, it can’t be trusted to remind us either.
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June 3rd, 2009 at 10:01 pm
Glad to know that “my kind” has been of service to you .
You got a lovely wife , as you say , and you got to write a hilarious post as well . Even I , take pay pal . 
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June 4th, 2009 at 3:01 am
Mrs. Neo thinks you seem very familiar for some reason.
So did you have an arranged marriage ?
If yes, this is the problem I have with men like you. If all men were creepy, the arranged market would collapse overnight. But the occasionally good person like you (especially with such a refined taste in blogs) keeps the game going. Some aunt somewhere is now going “of course arranged marriages work – look at Kislay Chandra!”
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June 4th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
I am still single .
And will stay single for the next three years for sure . 
If only my manager could think as highly of me as you do , an appraisal would have been a cert . 
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June 3rd, 2009 at 11:03 pm
Not in a million years, would I go through this kind of bakra-khareed parade (You know when cattle are examined before purchase for slaughter? You don’t? Man, you have a lot to learn. Go to a country market sometime and the parallels with what I have heard about arranged marriages become evident!)
It is a good thing Mrs Neo never met me in her impressionable years. The deadly combination of being feisty, precise if rude, and direct might have sent her on a completely different trajectory. As a younger specimen of the fair sex, I did tell large numbers of self-regarding men to:
1. buy a mirror
2. jump into the well outside my college dorm (this later changed to jumping from the top of my dorm in a more open campus that allowed men to cross the boundary of the women’s dorms and they liked it so much some stayed there permanently)
3. check if it was their day to use their family-owned single grey cell (it is not only Draupadi some families allow all their sons to share!)
4. pay for their own coffee or cinema ticket and no, I was not going to sit with them; I got here on my own, remember? To watch a film not to sit with them, yes?
5. pay for their own share of food (I had such a hearty appetite that I soon got a reputation; most girls, you see, would pick on food, but would share the bill since both parties were spending baap-ka-paisa; besides I had a huge Nat Schol so I was careful what I spent it on and lunch with losers wasn’t it; books or music tapes were my thing)
6. buy trousers of material without ‘poly’ in the name
7. try making eye-contact with something other than their shoe laces
8. consider replacement of their genes (else nobody would breed with their faulty ones)
9. think about the history of genetic malfunctioning brains in their family (Oh, what? You were adopted? Now you will never find out, will you?)
Shall I go on?
Most are now married, thank goodness. Some have been ‘improved’ by the finer specimens whom they managed to marry. But some I still do not want to know despite their Facebook overtures through common friends. Which bit of N-O don’t you understand?
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June 4th, 2009 at 2:55 am
LOL – I loved your list. So you took the “red pill” as compared to Mrs. Neo’s “blue pill”.
Speaking of the finer specimens who have improved heir husbands – one of the aspects of this whole charade that I wasn’t able to explore in this blog post was the role of women in all of this. I just can’t understand how women who have suffered insufferable husbands all their lives still turn around and advocate the same thing when it comes to their children.
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June 4th, 2009 at 11:32 am
ok, its my turn to take a stand for the men
Even men who have suffered insufferable nagging, bitching wives advocate the same arranged marriage fiasco for their sons!! Go figure!!
I should tell you that my marriage was arranged too…by my husband and me!! And, he knew the nagging bitching part before we got married!!
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June 4th, 2009 at 4:52 am
Wow, your rudeness is amazing. Let me take a wild guess, you are single or married a Don Knotts like character or ended up playing for the ‘other-team’. Whatever floats your boat.
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June 4th, 2009 at 4:45 am
Was the jist of your blog, ‘I am better than other creppy men in the arranged marriage market?’.
Luckily, my wife was looking only for a ‘winner’ than ‘not a big loser’.
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June 4th, 2009 at 5:19 am
Hilarious, as usual!
.
And the comments are no less
Please do put up a “series of fortunate musical events”!
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June 4th, 2009 at 6:25 am
a) I can’t believe that guy asked “Are you ovulating?” on the first date. What a loser! Everyone knows that it’s a fourth date question! . . .
b) So the groom you helped her pick was you? I hate to point out the similarity, but that’s how Dick Cheney became W’s VP. So this begs the question, was any waterboarding involved?
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June 4th, 2009 at 11:59 am
a) I think I ovulated a little during the India-Pakistan game yesterday.
b) ROFL. Actually, waterboarding was involved more than you think. Once she agreed, I sort of kept her continuously drunk until well after we got married.
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June 4th, 2009 at 6:44 am
So even if you are a Creepy Man, If you cleanly shave you will definitely get your girl of dreams. Good message! So after marriage it is ok to not shave and try different styles. That’s what Creepy men do.
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June 4th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Neo
I recently discovered your blog. You are funny as hell dude! I really like your sense of humor. Very few people have that kinda sense of humor. Keep it up!
Speaking of creepy men – for my sister,who mas Masters degree bye the way, there was a proposal came and this guye asked her to read a newspaper out loud!! I don’t know what he wanted to find out! We still laugh about that.
Thanks
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June 5th, 2009 at 5:57 am
@Ritesh.. I’m intrigued by your comment.. back in the day, when I was a young’n, at my first job, girls at work would narrate some pretty out there stories of proposals/first meeting.. including one where the guy asked (in a private conversation of course, after the old folks moved to another room, ain’t it a relief – they did allow them a few minutes of privacy) if she was a virgin and/or has had boy friends.
But such visits mostly ran along the lines of singing or reciting classical stuff.. though.. asking to read a news paper aloud sorta trumps singing anytime… that is pretty strange dude.. maybe he missed the morning newscast.
No shows were sadly pretty frequent too.. a consequence of over scheduling and callousness while on a whirlwind bride hunting trip back to the old country.
Don’t get me wrong.. back then too, there were a few that met up at work and eventually tied the knot.. but the majority of girls still opted to let ma and dad set em up.
I believe conditions have (hearsay) changed a lot… if not completely inverted… a close acquaintance has been trying to find a “suitable girl” for a couple of years, but apparently the US has since lost it’s appeal. Girls (at least some) call the shots these days.. it seems they want to get to know you first.. how very absurd!
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June 4th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
[...] NeoIndian shares the trials and tribulation of the groom hunting by Mrs.Neo that ultimately ended in their [...]
June 4th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
Ha ha ha ha! This is funny as hell, NeoIndian! I loved the facebook – “it’s complicated” part!
Could you have a look at this too?
I am sure you will have something to say!
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June 4th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
I see from the comments that you get a lot of ‘well written dude’ so won’t say it, with the fear of it getting lost. But do plan to cross link.
[Reply]
June 4th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
[...] Why creepy men are good for you. [...]
June 5th, 2009 at 9:09 am
From what I hear, girls were subjected to reciting classical stuff or walk in the front of the elders to make sure she did not stutter or have a limp. Too bad men were not subjected to similar events.
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June 7th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
Pliss to elaborate more on these “musical events” where Neo and Mrs. Neo met??
Hilarious post!!!
“Are you ovulating?” -Hahahaha.
My parents had an arranged marriage and when my mom and dad met for the first time, my dad asked her, “Who is the current Women’s Wimbledon champion?”..lol. Everyone in my family still laughs about it today, after 26 years of marriage!
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June 8th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
“Are you ovulating?” – You should appreciate the fact that he was at least familiar with how the female reproductive system works.
You’ll be surprised by the number of men who are totally ignorant of such basic high school biology before getting married!
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June 9th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Auroracoda is thinking that Neo should write a post on how Mrs. Neo allowed Neo to enter her sphere of existence.
IE: Story on how Neo and Mrs. Neo both met.
IE: Story on how Mrs. Neo was swindled to marry Mr. Neo.
IE: How long it’s been since Neo has enjoyed the comforts of the couch.
hehehehehe
Always glad to see when you have a post up! Am learning Google Reader just for that fact alone!
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June 10th, 2009 at 2:30 am
I’m actually writing this comment from my patio, where I’ve been locked these past few days.
When my neighbors give me the “oh how come he’s always on the patio” look, I just act as if I’m getting a tan and chilling out – which is odd, since it’s raining here.
-Neo
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June 10th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Hehehehe
I tried very hard to come up with a pithy comment for that….
but honestly….
Just picturing you regulated to the patio in the rain for being naughty is pithy-ness enough. LOL
PS: Still say you should tell more about how you both met. If you make it all sweet and romantic and how you were just gonna DIE without Mrs. Neo, I bet she would let you in the house again.
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June 12th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
She does pass me some food and water through a crack in the patio window though. So it’s not all that bad. Yesterday I ate some “Paav Bhaaji”. You just need to eat it quickly before the crows make a “dive-bombing” run for it.