Neo’s relatives in India were shocked when he moved to India (“oh but he is so Americanized!”, “he will move back within six months, just watch!”, “Don’t let Sonali be influenced by him, she will also become atheist and then who will marry her?”).

The poor relatives were even more hopelessly surprised when they found that Neo passionately advocates people moving to the U.S., especially for the right sort of educational or career opportunity!

Is this a contradiction ? Absolutely not! The reason that Neo moved to the US 15 years ago is almost the same reason he moved to India – for the challenge, the once-in-a-lifetime learning opportunity and the sheer rut-busting, conventional-wisdom-challenging excitement of the move!

Indeed, the Neo family considered all the BRIC countries for the move. Brazil was eliminated because Mrs. Neo thought Neo has an unhealthy appreciation for the beauty of Brazilian women. Russia was eliminated because Mrs. Neo thought Neo has an unhealthy appreciation for Vodka and China eliminated because Neo really wanted to be able to write this blog without the Great Wall of China filtering it.

The point is – moving to India is not going to cure your unhappiness, it probably won’t make you richer, and it certainly won’t feel like home either! And while Neo swears by his awesome maids, many question Neo’s claim that even the maids will really save you 40 hours per week.

(And sadly for those moving to India for religious reasons, the closest Neo has ever come to Nirvana has not been in India, it’s been in the US, when he took a few yoga classes in the Bay Area with apparently the entire Spartan cheerleading team.)

But if you are looking for a way to pull yourself out of your comfort zone, (re)connect with India’s burgeoning, globalized next generation, watch the birth of a new digital revolution, and boost your brain’s creativity – the University of India might be the place for you!

So, shock laga kya ?

Mrs. Neo’s friend “Amit” in the Bay Area always tells the Neos to “stop sweating the details and look at the big picture”.

Amit’s “big picture” plan for returning to India starts with how the US-India nuclear deal and the crash of the US Dollar, coupled with the linking of the rivers project, and Shashi Tharoor’s inevitable rise to Prime Ministership of India in 2015 will cause the local economy along the Bangalore-Mysore highway to boom.

(Aside, if not Prime Minister, Mrs. Neo feels Mr. Tharoor has a good shot at Bollywood. “Just look at those dreamy eyes. And oooh the sideburns.”)

This boom will transform the area around Amit’s apartment into the next Dubai. Amit will sell the apartment at the peak and retire on the profits.(The peak has not yet occurred, though “Swaminathan’s welding shop and real estate agency” and “Jai Saraswati Mata bicycle tyre puncture repair” shops show much promise in jumpstarting the “Dubaisation”.)

In sharp contrast, while Amit spends all day coding reading weighty blogs and thinking about “The impact of the Lalgarh riots on the tax holiday for Indian IT companies”, Mrs. Neo wasted most of her first month in India literally “sweating” the small stuff, and canvassing door-to-door to find good references for maids.

Although, on the flip side, Mrs. Neo is now so well-known in the neighborhood, she would have a good chance of getting elected – if she wasn’t a US citizen.

But – Amit says by 2015 India will allow “dual citizens” to run for office, just in time for Mrs. Neo to join Prime Minister Tharoor’s cabinet!

(Neo is already looking for apartments in Vasant Vihar in South Delhi. The good ones go so fast!)

“Premal Uncle is a f*ng jerk. Why did you stay with him every time you visited Mumbai ? Everyone thought you were a jerk too! And come on man, what’s up with the khaki shorts all the time? You really think it’s too f*ng warm to wear jeans like the rest of us ?”.

Yes, it took a year after Neo’s move to India before his younger cousins began telling him how they really felt. And the more they used the F-word, the more he realized he was getting into a real friendship.

Neo’s young cousins are not just fun to hang out with – they’re smart, soon-to-be-successful people – and forming close friendships with them has been one of the joys of Neo’s life in India (and his only refuge at any family event).

(Speaking of joys, here’s one of Neo’s other big joys in life – his maid getting him the “perfect breakfast” – “keggs organic” single-egg omelet sunny-side-up but flipped over once so it’s not “runny”, with no salt but a sprinkling of pepper, 2 brown bread slices toasted lightly, freshly made non-fat lassi with the cream/froth removed and with a pinch of sugar substitute, seasonal fruits cut into neat cubes so its easy to eat, 2 GNC Mega-Men’s multi-vitamins, the “Economic Times” newspaper. Filter coffee an hour later on holidays.)

So anyhow, if you are “old” like Neo (yes, being 34 in India feels like being 46 in the US), the first step to connecting with the youth in India is to figure out what they want from their relationships with older people.

So here’s just a few things that Neo has learned along the way:

1. Be descriptive, not prescriptive: Youngsters vastly prefer older people to be descriptive (i.e. help them understand what is happening in the complex world around them) rather than being prescriptive (i.e. telling them what they ought to do, most of which they already know).

So, descriptions like:

“When he was in college, Neo started playing in a band on Saturday nights instead of just sitting around drinking with his dumb friends. Literally, you just hold 2 sticks in your hand and sit at a drum kit and wait for the women to show up. And then one day it’s like hello, Mrs. Neo!”.

are more likely to work, unlike prescriptions like:

“Stop drinking away your parents’ hard-earned money! You want to get thrown out of college ? Yes, Steve Jobs was a college dropout but so is the watchman at your house! So get a little serious in life!”

2. Stop freaking out: It also helps if you show you can stay calm, be an adult and treat youngsters like the adults they are.

For instance:

“I can see how your new boyfriend is totally hot. I just wish he wasn’t 12 years older to you. Why don’t you take a few more months to decide before you move in with him ? And give your parents some time to adjust to the new reality.”

works much better than something Cousin Preeti might say:

“OMG you’re gay!! I thought you liked that Sindhi neighbor’s daughter! Is this why our great-grandfather slogged for Rs. 20 a day for 50 years ? (hyperventilate) Don’t talk to this guy ever again!! And stop talking to that stupid Neo too! This is all his fault you know! Bloody Americans! Now get me my asthma inhaler!”

3. Be honest: Youngsters are smart, so Neo learned quickly to stop BS’ing them and asking them vague questions like “where do you want to be in five years?”. If something does freak you out, and you have to say your mind, just say it.

So, don’t be condescending like this:

“Well, you’re going through a difficult phase in life. And I’m sure you just did this because you wanted your friends to think you’re cool.”

Just try and be honest and direct:

“You were a f*ng moron to gamble your computer course tuition money in the stock market! Now let me make some calls to try and get you an internship somewhere so you can learn some new stuff and maybe earn back some of that money.”

Conclusion: Be honest, be real and be respectful when you interact with youngsters, and you can actually be a part of their lives, rather than becoming a part of their problems. And they will reward you with their company, their insights and most of all, their friendship.

And finally, here’s a song that might help you get into the groove:

Do you have any more tips on how to bridge the age-divide ?

PS: The corollary, i.e. treating older relatives as kids works well too. Try doing the Indian head waggle frequently and praising them as if they were little children (“wow I love the way you said that, that’s such a wonderful insight”). Especially whenever an elderly person says one of those vaguely profound-sounding, but meaningless statements like “India’s strength is in it’s values”.

(The Neo family has had a bad week thanks to a viral fever. Regular blogging will resume when the fever has been vanquished. Meanwhile, Neo’s been browsing through his overflowing photo collection all week).

Goa has always been one of Neo’s favorite places to visit in India (once he figured out how to avoid the crowds). Here’s some pictures from his trip last winter:

1. Cidade de Goa beach, Panjim

One of Neo’s favorite beaches in Goa – the private beach at Cidade de Goa, in Panjim.

2. Taj Fort Aguada’s private beach

The Taj Fort Aguada beach is small, but has a beautiful fort overlooking it.

3. Baga beach

This is one of the favorite hangouts for foreign tourists (especially those on a budget). Neo saw several signs in Russian on his drive to Baga.

4. Miramar beach

Neo loves the feel of beaches within the city, since they have more locals than tourists. And Miramar beach (located in the heart of Panjim city) is one of his favorite “urban” beaches in the world.

5. The Indian Crow

Some people are scared of butterflies. Neo is scared of the damn crows.

6. Dona Paula (Panjim)

Do we really need the fabricated suicide stories to get people to come to what’s one of the more scenic spots in Panjim ?

7. Barge on the Mandovi river

Goa is a big exporter of iron ore, and a large part of this ore is transported by barges on the river Mandovi:

Have you been to Goa yet ?

Not one to shy away from the occasional delusions of grandeur, Neo often gives his “we choose to move to India not because it is easy, but because it is hard” speech to the sundry relatives and friends who visit Neoville.

But last weekend, instead of giving him the usual blank expression and heading towards the food, one of Mrs. Neo’s cousins, “Preeti”, turned to Neo and said – “You aren’t living in the real India”.  (If Neo’s speech was inspired by JFK, Cousin Preeti’s reply was apparently inspired by Sarah Palin.)

Could Neo live in Cousin Preeti’s “real India” by moving to a village and riding to work in a bullock cart every day ? No – as it turns out, according to Preeti, Neo (and you!) could start living in the “real India” right here in Namma Bengaluru by doing the following:

1. Stop sending your kids to a fancy school.

Cousin Preeti nailed this one – sending Neo Jr to any school in India that has white kids in it will result in Neo Jr getting 5 women pregnant before he is 14 – and possibly even more women, provided he isn’t high on drugs on most weekends. Or doesn’t “become gay”.

Also, according to Preeti, all the porn that they show in these fancy schools will cause Neo Jr to “go in the wrong direction”, although Neo argued that the porn might actually help Neo Jr go in the “right” direction instead of having to fumble around the first few times.

No, it is far better to spend that money on a fancy car and instead send your kids to a “middle-class” “value for money” school, where Neo Jr can learn important stuff like “dumb girls should be forced to learn cooking”, “how to skip going to the bathroom for 8 hours because the bathroom is so dirty”, “how to use a pair of binoculars to find your teacher in the classroom”, and “how to fake being unconscious so the unsupervised giants from the last bench will stop hitting your head repeatedly with heavy objects for no apparent reason”.

2. Become more social.

Instead of having an intimate party with the ten people that Neo Jr actually cares about (which oddly does not include Preeti), Neo should invite at least 834 people for Neo Jr’s next birthday – so that Neo Jr can spend quality time alone watching the  Disney channel in his room, while Neo mingles with the local Amway e-commerce guru, his “I was a quarter-finalist in the Mrs. Jayanagar beauty contest” wife and their “professional TV watcher” son who apparently has a restraining order to be within 5 feet of high-calorie food at all times.

3. Stop being an American.

Neo should stop wasting money on “American stuff” like the commercial-free Worldspace Satellite Radio (which carries NPR). Even though Worldspace costs less than Preeti’s weekly haircuts. (Plus you gotta get the even more expensive hair-wash – because really, it’s incredibly tiring to stand under the shower for 10 seconds.) Besides, not having NPR/Worldspace allows you to seem smart because you can then bemoan the poor quality of FM radio in India with the other members of the fancy-haircut club.

Also, why buy everything in a convenient, everything-under-one-roof supermarket with transparent pricing when you can get the same thing for mostly higher prices (unless you bargain) at the local convenience store ? It makes no sense at all, unless you’re American.

4. Stop renting a fancy apartment.

Instead of wasting money renting an apartment 10 minutes away from the Neos’ workplaces and schools, Neo should pay thrice his current rent in “owning” a similar apartment in a ghost-town equidistant from Bangalore and Mysore, because, unless you own (a mortgage), you’re never really “settled down”.

Furthermore, imagine the increased job opportunities by being just 90 minutes away from two metropolitan cities! Yes the monthly payments (and fuel costs) are massive, but you’ll be done in just 20 30 40 years! By the time you’re done with those payments, who knows, there might even be a decent hospital close to your apartment – even more appreciation! And don’t forget – real estate only goes up, since they’re not making any more land!

Epilogue

Preeti gathered quite an audience that evening. She went on to regale the crowds with more gems like how Neo “wastes Rs. 100 more on Tata Sky” when he could be saving that money and complaining about the grainy pictures and frequent outages on Cable TV like everyone else.

But, by then, Neo had already slipped into his fake online world, reading up on the fake moon landing while listening to This American Life.