Neo was one of those lucky few who never had a “fresh off the boat” phase when he moved to the US. Any rumors about Neo walking through a Taco Bell drive-thru are completely false. (And even if he might have accidentally walked through a drive-thru, it was because he didn’t have a car, and didn’t realize that the restaurant was open.)

Needless to say, when he moved back to India in 2008, Neo was as smooth as when Mrs. Neo fell in love with him at the Indian Student Association’s Diwali party back in 1998 (she was such a good listener back then).

But, this post is for those who don’t always fit like a glove into every new situation. (Ignore Mrs. Neo if she suggests in the comments to this post that this is actually a list of 13 stupid things that Neo does repeatedly in India.)

1. Talking in Hindi – Its the subtle racism that happens “only in India”. You look at a person, and think “there’s no way this dude knows English”, so you ask him directions in your flawed Hindi – only to hear the reply in condescendingly flawless English (he then says something about you in Kannada to his colleague, and they both snicker). You are humiliated many times over (another reason Neo never asks for directions). But thankfully this only lasts a few weeks. Then you start talking to everyone in English – and everyone is happy.

2. Asking for the check instead of the bill, and then saying “oops hahaha” – Every waiter in India knows about the check and the bill thing. So pick either “check” or “bill” and stick with it. Or just raise your hand and make that “writing” gesture. They get it. There’s not too many things you could be asking for after your “death by chocolate” dessert.

3. Laughing when someone says “I passed out” instead of “I graduated” – Yes, its funny. But what’s even funnier is you trying to use Indian English (or worse, the Indian head waggle) to try and fit in. It’s like a Chinese guy with a bad accent trying to imitate Barack Obama (“Confucius say war not determine who is right, war determine who is left”.)

4. Asking “do you accept credit cards ?” – Almost any place you are likely to visit in India will accept credit cards. Asking whether someone accepts credit cards actually highlights your expat status and makes them want to mug you (not really – most expats are actually poorer than many of the local rich guys, who can afford to idle a gas-guzzling X5 for 15 minutes while they haggle with the traffic cop over a Rs. 100 ticket for running the red light).

5. Ordering bottled water at a cheap restaurant – Two things. First: Even bottled water is just “packaged drinking water” (i.e. filtered tap water), not mineral-infused H20 from fresh, white Himalayan ice that melted just minutes before being bottled. Second: The cheap restaurant that is likely to have bad water is almost certainly going to have fake bottled water. After Slumdog Millionaire, everyone knows how to seal those plastic bottles. If you are adventurous enough to go to a cheap restaurant, carry your own water!

6. Tipping too much – Almost no one tips 15-20% in India. 10% is almost always the maximum you should go. Going above 10% makes you seem excessively rich or stupid (usually both).

7. Taking an auto (only applicable in Bangalore) – Autos suck. Get your own car, get someone to drop you, call one of the three hundred cab companies in Bangalore, take the bus or even walk. Taking an auto and then complaining you had a bad experience makes you look stupid.

8. Saying you moved from Delhi (instead of the Bay Area) to avoid looking like a foreigner – The way you keep greeting everyone with a totally unnecessary and excessively gregarious “Hi” gives away your American origins instantly (not to mention your khaki shorts). People will wonder why you’re lying and make up conspiracy theories about your visa status in the US.

9. Looking for street parking – Stop looking for parking and drive straight up to wherever you are going. Chances are they have valet parking (on the same street where you were unsuccessfully looking for parking).

10. Making jokes about “Indian standard time” – Only Indians who are “fresh from the US” make jokes about Indian standard time, or Indian stretched time. Your plumber certainly won’t get the joke (and will come late anyway), and almost any other person will be offended. Threatening to ruin someone’s life if he’s late is a much more polite, effective (and common) strategy to make sure things get done on time in India.

11. Giving loans to your maids or drivers to earn loyalty – Neo’s neighbor (who also moved from the US recently) thinks he’s the next Muhammed Yunus. He’s given loans to more than 10 maids in the past one year – 10 out of 10 stopped showing up to work the next week. He still refuses to accept his losses and faithfully maintains his excel spreadsheet showing the low interest rate he offered them and the estimated payments that he’s going to receive (after all doesn’t Citibank do the same thing on a slightly larger scale?)

12. Ordering a non-fat latte – A Cafe Coffee Day or Barista seems so comfortably Starbucksy after a bewildering day in India – so you saunter confidently into one and order a “low-fat extra-hot double latte.” The girl behind the counter gives you that “look”, hands you the menu, and takes the order of the guy who’s behind you. Yes, Neo still hasn’t found a single good coffee shop in Bangalore that is Starbucks-lingo compatible (or even one that regularly offers non-fat or low-fat milk!).

13. Not having a cell phone mobile – Not having a cell phone (known in Indian English as just “mobile”) in India is like not having a social security number in the US – the customer service people just aren’t paid enough to want to deal with you. So do yourself a favor and get yourself a mobile phone as soon as you land – or at least save your dignity and say someone stole your mobile phone.

Epilogue: As Neo wrote this (sipping his full-fat Mocha at Barista’s), he observed an expat arguing with the auto rickshaw driver after being asked to pay Rs. 100 for a three minute journey.

The expat caved in when the auto driver said – “If you can spend Rs. 50 on a cup of coffee that actually costs Rs. 2, why can’t you give me a little extra?” (some expletives were removed for your protection from the preceding quote).

Neo also won the bet he made with Mrs. Neo – the poor expat proceeded to order a “non-fat latte”.

Neo’s grandma is just the funniest and the most devastatingly logical person you will ever meet. During Neo’s recent vacation, when his uncle was in the middle of an interminably long soliloquy on pranayama, Neo’s grandma stopped him with “Nonsense. Claiming that using alternate nostrils is beneficial to your breathing is like claiming that eating from alternate sides of your mouth is beneficial to your diet.”

Neo laughed so hard he had kheer streaming out of (both) his nostrils. (The other eleven people around the table were silent.)

It should be hard for any self-respecting scientific mind to understand Neo’s uncle’s claim that alternately breathing through your left and right nostrils somehow helps regulate the two halves of your brain – especially after you consider Neo’s grandma’s brilliant point – that air enters the same windpipe, and that oxygen is equally absorbed by both lungs regardless of which nostril it entered from.

Unfortunately, not all of Neo’s older relatives are scientifically-minded. Many have a love-hate relationship with science. They love science when it appears to prove their traditional beliefs (e.g. the health benefits of turmeric). They simultaneously hate science when it challenges traditions (e.g. the health benefits of garlic). (Many in Neo’s family will not hesitate to give you all sorts of mumbo-jumbo reasons to avoid garlic).

Neo has realized (a little too late) that the quickest way to get labeled as a pseudo-intellectual in his family is to unflinchingly champion the cause (and supremacy) of science.

To avoid Neo’s fate, you must appear to be a “moderate believer in science”. You need to demonstrate the capacity to “believe” in the science behind say an automobile or a computer, but refuse to believe in the science (or the YouTube video) that shows that Sathya Sai Baba is a fraud, and cannot generate ash or gold chains out of thin air. That is the sort of “open mind” that will earn you the respect of many in Neo’s extended family.

Speaking of open minds – during the Mumbai terror attacks, Neo wondered aloud why superhuman yogis were not volunteering to storm the Taj hotel instead of the mundane army commandos.

Only his grandma laughed.

(via)

Perhaps the most unsettling realization for Neo after his return to India has been this: For the rest of his life, he will almost certainly feel different from the local population – no matter where he stays in the world.

Of course, “the need to feel at home” wasn’t in the list of “top 10 reasons for Neo’s move to India” – “being waited on by maids”, “Indian-Chinese food”, and even “better sports timings for Cricket and Soccer” are better candidates for membership in that nebulous list.

But many of Neo’s friends who are contemplating their return tell him that “the need to feel at home” is important to them. Neo hopes for their sake that they will feel more at home in India than Neo has. But thus far, the old truism has held true – you can go back, but you can never go home again.

Neo is not one to state the obvious, but India is nothing like you remember. It is hungrier, scarier, wealthier, funnier, poorer, sexier, tastier and more globalized than you ever thought possible (Neo says this as he eats the best tortilla chips and salsa of his life – in Bangalore).

Most people will get a total of 88 weeks of paid vacation in their lifetimes. Neo just wasted 2 of them on a “vacation” with his extended family that has left him feeling more stressed out than if he had simply stayed at home and gone to work as usual.

Neo had promised to Mrs. Neo not to whine during the last two weeks he spent travelling with his extended family. But their agreement is silent on the rules of engagement after the trip was over.

Neo already knew that he was sort of an oddball in the family – but this vacation has surely driven that message home.

Here are just a few of the “differences of opinion” (to put it charitably)between Neo and the rest of the Greater Neo family.

1. Kids make hay while the adults chat – Neo is staggered by the apparent pervasiveness of the following myth amongst his Indian relatives: “kids playing in groups need less adult supervision than kids playing alone”. In fact, it is exactly the opposite. While the group was gossiping discussing family matters at one of several non-descript restaurants, Neo was preventing one of his nephews from placing karate kicks on another nephews face. He also prevented his 6 year-old niece from drinking from an abandoned can of cold Kingfisher beer. (Sexist remark alert: Only a woman can abandon a can of cold kingfisher beer after just one sip.)

2. Aloo Tikki is local cuisine ? – Neo felt like a lactose intolerant man living on a dairy farm throughout the vacation. Who exactly decreed that  “having fun” and “eating healthy” are mutually exclusive ? Neo was openly mocked for ordering “grilled fish with steamed vegetables” instead of the “Aloo Tikki” and “Paneer Tikka”, or a plate of mangoes instead of “kheer”. Neo was told by his uncle that “Aloo Tikki” is the local specialty of Maharashtra, which is almost certainly false. Besides, Neo can probably make a stronger case for Aloo Tikki being the local specialty of Fremont, California.

3. Holidays are busier than work-days – Enjoying a leisurely coffee, or a walk on the beach, or even reading a book are apparently not things one does on holidays in India. On their daily 200 km driving marathons across Maharashtra, Neo was constantly admonished against “thinking like a lazy American”. He was told to (oh the irony) relax and go along with the breathless pace at which the holiday was planned. The most relaxing part of the trip for Neo was when he had the chance to be motionless, quiet and gaze into into some beautiful sugarcane fields while Neo Jr took his bathroom break under a tree (Neo Jr has a newfound love for trees).

4. Its easier to talk about about being healthy than actually being healthy – Seeing Neo and Mrs. Neo put on their running shoes and go for long runs on most days of their vacation was somewhat of an amusing spectacle for the rest of the family. The gang was rolling on the floor with laughter when Neo suggested that his overweight aunt accompany him for a long walk. Neo’s elderly aunts constantly dole out unchallenged words of wisdom about the healh benefits of drinking kokam juice, coconut water and other similar “natural remedies” – but no one seems to even discuss (let alone practice) the benefits of regular cardio exercise and strength training.

Silver lining – It wasn’t all that bad. Maharashtra and Goa are actually spectacularly beautiful places to visit (especially along the Konkan coast). Neo loves the unassuming nature of the Maharashtrian people (once you get away from the touristy spots and the hawkers). With a little bit of clever marketing and infrastructure development, the Konkan coast can easily become a major tourist attraction and give South East Asia a run for its money.

Also, Neo is back just in time to enjoy the start of the new season of the Indian Premier League, and to cheer Arsenal in their Champions League campaign (Now isn’t that a great way to spend the next few weeks of our lives ?)