Neo thought he’ll play an April Fools day prank on his readers by announcing that he was ending his stay in India and moving back to the Bay Area.

But, like any responsible blogger, Neo tests all his pranks on his hapless colleagues at work before  releasing them on his higher-valued blog readership.

So he abandoned the idea when all four of his test-subjects at work merely said “oh ok” (instead of some variant of “OMG WTF”), when Neo told them he was moving back to the US.

Neo later realized – the reason for the stoic reception was not the fact that they expected Neo’s move – but rather because its not that big of a deal to move back to the US.

Like Neo, many of Neo’s peers at work are US citizens, and all of them have a strong network of professional and personal friends in the US. Moving back and getting a job would be quite easy for them (well maybe not in this economy, but in general it would be).

Here’s the epiphany that Neo had at an exceptionally boring meeting (do you really need 34 PowerPoint slides to explain the new hiring process?) – the fact that its relatively easy to move back actually helps people stay in India and enjoy some of those “only in India” joys (see:  6 surprising benefits of moving to India).

In fact, many of Neo’s Indian-American friends would find that moving to India for a year is actually less effort than discussing it every weekend over the overpriced Indian buffet at Amber India ($50 buys you the best all-you-can-eat brunch – at the Taj Bangalore – with unlimited drinks).

And, just like those poor souls who move to India to “be happier”, those who never applied for American citizenship actually tend to be unhappier in India than American citizens.

So here’s a tip for April Fools day – don’t be a fool. Keeping all your options open is not just smart, it helps you relax and enjoy what your move to India should be – a rejuvenating, exhilarating adventure to an exciting emerging economy. Get your US citizenship, get the Indian “overseas citizenship” – and then you can spend the rest of your life moving as often as you like (packing does get easier with every move – partly because you threw out all the junk 2 moves ago).

And yes, Neo just checked – the domain “neoindianamerican.org” is available. But does anyone really want to read the blog of an Indian-American who returned to India and then returned back to the US?

Neo often wonders why God doesn’t use SMSes (or Google Talk) to communicate with the faithful. What could have been more effective than a well timed “Stop checking out the blonde” SMS last Sunday afternoon ? (Although the exceptionally painful jab from Mrs. Neo could only have been divinely inspired.).

Before Neo’s readers think he’s delusional for seeing pretty blond women in Bangalore – please consider that Bangalore has a huge expat population. So the truth in Neo’s vision of a hot blonde on the streets of Bangalore is likelier than the possibility that “sacrificing rhinos” and “don’t even kill the fly sitting on the rhino” are both valid paths to God. (If indecisiveness is a Godly characteristic, Mrs. Neo is on the right path – she is not sure about what clothes to wear for a party before, during and even after the party is over).

Being an atheist might be trendy, but its actually more boring than most people think. For the most part, there is nothing to do. Those of Neo’s readers who don’t play cricket know the feeling all too well. Its like the whole world is into cricket, and you are, well just not. Atheism is a belief system in the sense that “not collecting stamps” is a hobby.

But back to the topic of madness (or psychiatric delusion), here’s what St. Wikipedia says are the three criteria for diagnosing delusion:

1. certainty (held with absolute conviction)
2. incorrigibility (not changeable by compelling counterargument or proof to the contrary)
3. impossibility or falsity of content (implausible, bizarre or patently untrue)

So is Neo delusional ? Lets apply the criteria:

1. Neo is absolutely certain he saw a hot blonde. Neo can be uncertain about which hand to use during Hindu ceremonies (he is left-handed and very distracted). But seeing a superficially superior human female is not the sort of thing Neo gets confused about.
2. There is no proof to the contrary – can anyone prove that Neo didn’t see the blonde ?
3. There is an element of bizarre – the alleged hot blonde was actually eating rasam and rice at Bangalore’s MTR – which has (and can only) be described as a refugee camp.  This is not unlike seeing a polar bear on a tropical island.

So, Neo meets the three criteria for being clinically delusional! Now that the cat is out of the bag, here is Neo’s favorite delusionary statement  (used often to trap unwary relatives at spectacularly soporific Hindu ceremonies):

All religions are actually God’s way of testing out which of us have an ounce of logic, humanity, intellectual honesty or common sense. If you believe that human sacrifice, sexism, genital mutilation, begging for favors (a.k.a. praying) or breaking coconuts is the way to God, do you really deserve to be in heaven ? Neo believes that only atheists will go to heaven.

So yes – dear God, if you are reading this blog – Neo is ready for rapture right about now (if you act now, Neo won’t have to pay the rent for April).

(PS: Neo’s offering to the grammar nazis: “Blond” is gender-neutral and works like an adjective, and can refer to a male or a female. “Blonde” is a noun and feminine. )

One of the more unintuitive things Neo discovered after moving back to India was this – the happier someone was with their lives in the US, the happier they seemed after moving to India. (Except on dry days of course – when everyone is required by the Indian government to be unhappy.)

Neo has many good (but unhappy) Indian-American friends who live in the US and share the following broad sentiments (at the risk of over-generalization):

• They feel that they have been left out of the cultural and political mainstream in the US (Neo feels that way about himself too – but tells himself that this is actually a good thing).
• They feel financially insecure due to the recession, low savings, and impossibly high retirement costs.
• They privately complain about subtle racial discrimination, especially when it comes to getting upper management positions (Neo never understands this – in many of the companies he’s worked at in the Valley, there were actually more Indians than Americans in upper management).
• They are unhappy with their daycare/school situation, and think their kids will get a much better education in India.
• They complain about the teen culture in the US, and think that in India, their kids will be better off.
• They think that everyday life in the US is too difficult, and that the presence/support of parents, relatives and maids makes life in India easier.

So when such friends ask him whether they should move to India, Neo tries to gently dissuade them from moving back. Because the truth is  – that the above is exactly the profile of someone who will most likely be unhappy after she moves to India.

• They might continue to feel left out of the cultural and political mainstream in India – in most cases, they will find that India is actually more liberal and progressive than they are or would like it to be – they will only replace their worrying about the American teenage culture with whining about how Indian teens are aping the worst aspects of their western counterparts.
• India has recessions too, and costs of living are phenomenally high  (especially in the larger cities). Most people will earn less in India than they did in the US. Retirement is easier in India, but inflation can spoil many finely-crafted financial plans.
• Office politics are a bitch – even in India. Those who didn’t have the political and people skills necessary to break through in the US, will probably not do so in India. (Neo has a female CEO – and by now, his charm with the ladies should be apparent even to casual readers of this blog – his detractors at work never know what hit them.)
• You have to work the school situation significantly to make it work for you and your kids. (See: Stop whining and start improving your child’s Indian education, Return to India myth #19: School education is generally better in India (than in the US))
• Teenage sex, drugs and alcoholism is rampant in urban India (Neo never visits villages – villages scare him). Parental communication, “having a clue”, common sense and a strong bond with your kids is the only deterrent against this juggernaut of a problem.
• Living close to your parents and relatives comes with its own share of obligations and family politics. Its amazing how much time is spent in India attending weddings, engagements, birthday parties and festival celebrations. Neo loses track of where he is sometimes (He recently went to a wedding and wished the groom "Happy Diwali"). Also, Neo never realized that his relatives hated the Ferrero Rocher he always brought back from the US on his yearly India visits. How incredibly mean that so many knew, and yet no one bothered to tell him.

It is sort of obvious in hindsight – happy people generally stay that way and recreate their state of happiness around them no matter where they stay. And those who are unhappy (usually because of a deeply hidden sense of entitlement), keep finding out that there are plenty of new (and valid) reasons to stay unhappy – even after they move to India.

Conclusion: Moving to India is one of the most expensive and cumbersome ways of finding out if you’re really the happy person you think you are.

PS: Neo is happy – his forced exile to the couch is now over.

Neo is all for respecting elders. Elder-worship is such a wonderful ponzi scheme (sort of like social security).

But while Neo’s still waiting to grow old and demand his share of elder-worship, he’s getting a little tired of the constant preaching and condescension his (30-something) generation is being subjected to.

Here’s the question that Neo wants the elders to answer:

If previous generations were so “rooted in excellence” – who precisely is responsible for creating the hordes of sexually repressed, bloodthirsty, vindictive, homophobic, racist, culturally stymied, religion-crazed, misogynistic, pedophilic, infanticidal, sadomasochistic, unemployable people that we find roaming our streets ?

(Yes, Neo is inspired by Richard Dawkins’ prose).

It’s no secret that Mrs. Neo isn’t the biggest fan of Neo’s sense of humor – but her decision to make Neo sleep on the couch for the past 3 days seems very harsh indeed.

Was Neo’s imitation of Mrs. Neo’s dad’s eating style really all that offensive ? Does he not in fact loudly slurp up his watery curd-rice with his hands ? After all, Neo Jr was literally ROFL at Neo’s imitation – and kids never lie.

But as Neo keeps telling himself every night – “stay optimistic”. If nothing else, Mrs. Neo will finally see Neo’s point – that Neo is actually damaging the expensive leather couch by sleeping on it – and it might actually be cheaper to just let Neo back onto their bed. And yes, of course he’s sorry – he has already called, IM’ed, texted, twittered, facebook’ed, orkut’ed his apology to Mrs. Neo. And Neo knows that Mrs. Neo found the post-it note stuck to her laptop cute.

A sense of optimism for the future is often all you can cling to when you’re sleeping on the couch – and after you move to India. And once your mind is optimistic, you start seeing many surprising benefits that moving to India offers.

Here are just a few:

1. Shorter visits by in-laws – In the US, visits by Neo’s parents and in-laws used to be six month marathons (mercifully limited by the INS). After several of those soul-numbingly long 182 day visits, Neo’s mother-in-law had done enough research on the “flaws in Neo’s lifestyle and general outlook” to finish at least a couple of Ph.D. theses.

During his US visits, Neo’s father-in-law loved playing “six degrees of blame” – how a specific political opinion, action or inaction of Neo’s led in six direct steps to some horrible tragedy around the world. Wait till he tells you how Neo is responsible for malaria outbreaks in Africa.

In India, Neo’s in-laws make multiple, shorter trips and are more independent than in the US. They take the car (and driver) each morning, and have a fun experience visiting Ganesha temples and relatives they not-so-secretly hate.

(Side note on temples: Neo finds it fascinating that there is a “hierarchy of holiness” when it comes to temples. Surely God does not discriminate his granting of wishes based on which precise temple you asked them at ? Even the Post Office seems to be more consistent across branches! Also, the whole concept of God granting specific wishes is sort of unethical because it hurts otherwise decent people like Neo who are just so fracking busy at work, that they never remember to ask for the right thing at the right temple.)

2. Indian women make eye contact – For the first six months after his return to India, Neo walked with a spring in his step and a silly grin on his face. That was because almost every attractive woman he encountered used to make that deep eye-to-eye contact that only meant one thing to Neo. It was not until Mrs. Neo and Neo’s 18 year-old female cousin sat Neo down and explained to him that it was probably just a cultural thing. And no – apparently they didn’t think Neo  resembles Sawyer (Josh Holloway) from Lost. Neo disagrees. You just have to see Neo from the right angle to get it.

3. Get your email done before you arrive at work – Ever wonder what it would be like to arrive at your cube each morning knowing that your email was already answered ? In India, Neo does this every day – he uses Tata Indicom’s wireless Internet service with his laptop to check and answer his mail during his 30 minute commute to work. Neo often swears while reading his email (who doesn’t) – and over time, Neo’s driver has learned many English swear words just by listening to Neo. Many hapless death-wish motorcycle riders have been recently taken aback with Neo’s driver’s surprisingly cultured invectives.

4. Even shopping for women’s clothing can be fun in India – During a major sporting event, its impossible not to catch some of the action, since there seems to be a huge LCD tv everywhere you look in India. Its not just the trendy coffee shops, airports, malls or bars – even humble convenience stores and clothing stores have them.

So, in India, Neo loves shopping for Mrs. Neo’s clothes – all he has to do is watch the sporting action on the strategically placed TV and periodically say “oh I think somehow the previous one suits you better” to Mrs. Neo when she comes out of the trial room. Hours of fun.

Also almost every global sporting event (except the few US-based ones, like the US open) are at convenient evening times if you are in India – no more having to watch English Premiere League in the mornings, or “delayed broadcasts” for the Wimbledon or the French Open.

5. Fresh, daily home-delivered vegetables – Can there be anything more luxurious or healthy ? And it gets even healthier – you burn at least 100 calories due to the “fight or flight response” triggered by seeing the vegetable vendor wearing an ultra-short lungi running towards you on the staircase. (That’s 700 calories a week, or 1/5th of a pound in weight loss!)

Also, there is no equivalent of “got milk?” in India – The local grocery store will do free home delivery for as little as 1 liter of milk and a loaf of bread. Neo has used his stellar management skills to optimize the process further. His cook calls the grocery directly, so Neo never has to miss an episode of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (how cool was his takedown of Jim Cramer)

6. No interviews by hair stylists – In the US, Neo preferred USCIS citizenship interviews to the interrogations that hair stylists subjected him to. His favorite stylist (a very nice and efficient Vietnamese lady) took it upon herself to practically interrogate Neo about his career, marriage and politics at precisely the time when Neo was at his lowest. In India, getting your hair cut is like a plane ride – a rare occasion to be offline and quiet. Neo has solved more workplace issues during a 30 minute haircut than many 2 hour marathon meetings.

Finally: The Neo household is struggling through 2 hour power cuts on a daily basis, and the backup batteries are running low. So Neo sits in the dark, illuminated only by the glow of his laptop screen. But even though Neo will spend yet another night on the couch, he still has a smile on his face – because surely tomorrow will be better.