The secret healing powers of Bangalore’s traffic
by neo
Bangalore’s traffic has finally cured Mrs. Neo of acute “backseatdrivingitis”.
In all the other great cities of the world, Mrs. Neo has always been the ultimate latte-sipping backseat warrior – a relentless proponent of all the routes that the GPS-following Neo didn’t take.
(Mrs. Neo refuses to drive Neo’s car because it’s an automatic – Mrs. Neo is possibly the only truly luddite woman on the planet – she prefers manual transmission.)
In the US, Mrs. Neo shook her head knowingly and disapprovingly at every wrong turn, narrowly missed green light or wrong freeway exit. She looked triumphant when the Neo family arrived late after following Neo’s choice of routes (never mind the fact that the Neo family was late because they left late).
In Bangalore, Mrs. Neo has quickly learned that if she keeps gasping and sighing for every near-miss, she will hyperventilate faster than a tragically over-enthusiastic Art of Living newbie. (True story: Neo got thrown out of a Business Art of Living “training program” because he asked the teacher “So how come God created humans with such poor breathing technique?”)
Now Mrs. Neo no longer forces Neo to get directions from scary strangers. Not because she suddenly realized how bitterly humiliating the experience is for Neo, but because she realized that almost no one in Bangalore has any clue on how to give directions.
Most Bangaloreans seemingly make the assumption that you already know where you are going – because they start giving you directions on “how to get to 5th Main” with questions like “Do you know the small electronics shop on 5th Main ?” Neo is confused at so many levels – is it a shop selling small electronics or is it a small shop selling electronics ? And no, Neo has no clue about specific shops on 5th Main, since he has never been there – hence the need for directions.
So now the newly cured Mrs. Neo waits patiently as Neo does complex mathematics in his head as he plans the best route from “15th cross 23rd main 1st block” to “3rd cross 8th main 3rd block” (yes, Bangalore street planners think in three dimensions.)
So don’t think of Bangalore traffic as the biggest mess on the planet. Think of it as a cathartic, healing experience for the backseat driver in your household – and you will be fine.
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HAHA!! That is such fun that you actually asked those saintly guys at Art of Living that question!! LOVE it!!
Yes, I guess GPS wouldn’t work in India. I have been frequently told that the street I am looking for is just ahead of the small Ganesh temple in XYZ crossing and on the right of the cows sitting near it.
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Chalk one up for Mrs. Neo from another “truly luddite woman”. Amusing enough that you drive an auto in trans. in India, but to actually give a *link* to manual transmission!! :O
Yeah that’s one reason I hate being in Bangalore when we visit. The time it takes to get to the airport to pick someone is the same as the time they take to ride to the airport, fly Pune-B’lore and wait for us to reach.
Don’t you just love free dangling modifiers? Now are the modifiers for free, or do they dangle freely?
-g
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@Roshni:
Although the class burst into laughter, I was asking a serious question. It does seem terribly wasteful of God to create us with terrible breathing and then create Art of Living to teach us the right way. Its sort of like selling a brand-new car with flat tires. But I guess the Art of Living guys implement the Fight Club rules – “Rule #1: You never talk about the Fight club”.
@litterateuse:
For the Airport pickup, I think of the bright side. When I pick up some of our whinier “You never call, you don’t care about me” relatives (which of course are mostly on Mrs. Neo’s side), most of the whining is done before we reach home.
And one of my favorite danglers is George W Bush’s classic line – “This is the worst disaster to hit the US since I became President” (speaking about Hurricane Katrina)
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[...] great resource post on the nitty-gritty of getting life going in India, but I think the post called The secret healing powers of Bangalore’s traffic gives a better idea of the general writing style: In the US, Mrs. Neo shook her head knowingly and [...]
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“In Bangalore, Mrs. Neo has quickly learned that if she keeps gasping and sighing for every near-miss, she will hyperventilate faster than a tragically over-enthusiastic Art of Living newbie.” I laughed so much that the guy in the office next to me came to check if I was ok.
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[...] to his colleague, and they both snicker). You are humiliated many times over (another reason Neo never asks for directions). But thankfully this only lasts a few weeks. Then you start talking to everyone in English – and [...]
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There are also some import landmarks that they say – Water Tank, Clock Tower. And actually Bangalore street planner think 4 dimensional – 15th cross, 23rd main, 1st Block, BTM 1st stage.
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I laughed so hard, I fell to the floor and it took me 2 minutes to get off the floor after reading this one. All I can say is .. HAHAHAHAHAHHAAA
And oh, by the way, this post is now on the list of “Must-Read posts of the week” on my blog.
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Hi Kiran,
Glad you liked my post! And thanks for visiting!
-neo
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“So how come God created humans with such poor breathing technique?”
lol … awesome
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You seem to pull your wife’s leg in so many post… I wonder whether she is ever aware of this posts..!!!
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Hilarious post. I will remember it every time I start gritting my teeth in gridlocked traffic.
The horns on the vehicles here (2-12 wheelers) also deserve a mention. I have often been startled by a loud truck horn, only to have a Kinetic Honda (are those still around?) or some such scooter zip past me while I recover from the aural assault.
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