Bangalore’s traffic has finally cured Mrs. Neo of acute “backseatdrivingitis”.

In all the other great cities of the world, Mrs. Neo has always been the ultimate latte-sipping backseat warrior – a relentless proponent of all the routes that the GPS-following Neo didn’t take.

(Mrs. Neo refuses to drive Neo’s car because it’s an automatic – Mrs. Neo is possibly the only truly luddite woman on the planet – she prefers manual transmission.)

In the US, Mrs. Neo shook her head knowingly and disapprovingly at every wrong turn, narrowly missed green light or wrong freeway exit. She looked triumphant when the Neo family arrived late after following Neo’s choice of routes (never mind the fact that the Neo family was late because they left late).

In Bangalore, Mrs. Neo has quickly learned that if she keeps gasping and sighing for every near-miss, she will hyperventilate faster than a tragically over-enthusiastic Art of Living newbie. (True story: Neo got thrown out of a Business Art of Living “training program” because he asked the teacher “So how come God created humans with such poor breathing technique?”)

Now Mrs. Neo no longer forces Neo to get directions from scary strangers. Not because she suddenly realized how bitterly humiliating the experience is for Neo, but because she realized that almost no one in Bangalore has any clue on how to give directions.

Most Bangaloreans seemingly make the assumption that you already know where you are going – because they start giving you directions on “how to get to 5th Main” with questions like “Do you know the small electronics shop on 5th Main ?” Neo is confused at so many levels – is it a shop selling small electronics or is it a small shop selling electronics ? And no, Neo has no clue about specific shops on 5th Main, since he has never been there – hence the need for directions.

So now the newly cured Mrs. Neo waits patiently as Neo does complex mathematics in his head as he plans the best route from “15th cross 23rd main 1st block” to “3rd cross 8th main 3rd block” (yes, Bangalore street planners think in three dimensions.)

So don’t think of Bangalore traffic as the biggest mess on the planet. Think of it as a cathartic, healing experience for the backseat driver in your household – and you will be fine.

You sit there in your cube, thinking – “How hard can it be for Hindu Moral Police to talk about Indian values and judge others all day” – Well you are wrong in several ways. It is much harder than your techie job:

1. You only have to worry about getting your clothes ready for work tomorrow. Yes, laundry is tiresome (another reason to move to India). But the moral police have to worry about everyone’s clothes! The neighbor’s daughter wearing a slightly short skirt is not just the hottest thing that they’ve seen all year – for them, its time for yet another tiring protest in the hot sun!

2. You think your lame-ass dance moves at the office party are a turn off ? Try picking up someone with a “Hi, I’m a moral police in my spare time!” line. Yes, getting pink panties is actually the closest many Hindu moral police will come to sex in their entire life.

3. You get a terrible pay for spending hours and hours writing software very few people use. The moral police get paid nothing for hours and hours spent looking for things no one else cares about.

4. In your job, you deal with skeptical expressions all the time – especially when you ask for a promotion or a raise. Usually you just drown out the expressions with Vodka after work (or if you’re a health freak like Neo, at the gym). But a skeptical expression can threaten the entire way of life for Hindu moral police. Think about that at your next after-work drink.

5. You have a tough time finding like-minded people to grow your team. Hindu moral police have to compete against identically-minded moral police of other religions.

6. You have to only defend your hastily cobbled together code in front of the QA guys. Moral police have to defend monumental FAIL “errors” like the caste system! And the only tools the poor moral police have are lame-ass statements like “Ved Vyasa’s mom was a fish seller and yet not discriminated – hence the caste system is/was good” (yes they really said that). Your QA guys would eat the Hindu Moral Police as a tasty appetizer with that sort of fraked up logic, and still have room for lunch.

So while you’re enjoying your tough but well-paid job (and getting laid) spare a thought for people who have much less than you.

Neo’s mother-in-law used to call Neo a financial fool for selling all his stocks in 2006. But after the recent crash, you would expect her to give Neo some credit for his prescience – a word or two of praise at the next interminably long gossip session get-together would be nice.

But Neo’s mother-in-law employs a powerful tactic – when her criticisms prove to be wrong, rather than admit she was wrong, she simply moves on to another  criticism. Neo is always left fighting the last war.

Neo is all for the creative uses of the English language. When Mrs. Neo says her mother is “supportive” of Neo – perhaps she means it in the sense of an iceberg being “supportive” of the Titanic ? Also – the same creative license is not afforded to Neo Jr – he was unfairly reprimanded for suggesting that Neo’s mother-in-law resembled a Panda Bear.

Actually Neo’s mother-in-law was right in a sense – foolishness is involved in Neo’s financial planning. Neo has his own “financial advisory committee” – composed exclusively of financial fools.

His committee comprises several smart but financially foolish close friends who bought dot-com stocks in 2001, sold at the stock market bottom in 2003, stayed out of the stock market until 2006 and then bought multiple real estate properties for “investment” in 2006.

Neo’s committee pores over the Wall Street Journal as if secrets unavailable to the unwashed masses were being revealed to them for the low low price of $2.99. Armed with this “knowledge” the committee then decides what to do with their constantly shrinking brokerage accounts.

And here’s the twist – Neo simply does the opposite of what the committee is doing. Neo has not kept this strategy a secret from the committee – and yet it works reliably, profitably and does not require a Wall Street Journal subscription.

So last night after he bought them several rounds of the all-new Kingfisher Blue, Neo’s financial advisory committee started discussing the recession. They laughed about how stocks are (now) for fools, and how its time (now) for “safe investments” like treasury bonds, CDs, Indian “fixed deposits” and gold.

The message is clear – Neo thinks it might soon be time to buy stocks again! Whether he will actually have the Cojones to do so during the mother of all recessions is another story.

But Neo’s sure his mother-in-law will be “supportive” of whatever Neo does next.

Neo’s team at work hears him say at least thrice a day – its important to look for solutions, and follow the Radioshack school of thought – “You’ve got questions, we’ve got answers”.

(To the smartass who sent Neo the hoax mass-resignation mail that said – “You’ve got questions. We’ve got new jobs. Goodbye.” – Not funny at all. Neo knows who you are, sucker.)

So instead of reading Neo whine about Indian schools, here are some tips on how to improve your child’s Indian school education experience – so your kid has some chance against Neo Jr when its time to take the SATs.

1. Have a clear, yearly goal

Neo is constantly stunned by how many parents can’t answer the following question – “what precisely should your child know or be able to do at his or her age ?”

Depending on your child’s school to set a curriculum for your child is like asking KFC advice on how to eat a balanced diet (yes they actually have an opinion on that). You the parent have to set goals for your child, and then you use the Indian schooling system as one tool in your child’s overall education.

For his 4 year-old, Neo uses books like – What your kindergartener needs to know. They provide a comprehensive list of what your child needs to know at a given age. Once you know your goal, you actually have a chance getting there.

Neo has found that Neo Jr.’s school does well for things like Art&Craft, but is woefully lacking in subjects like History (just one example). So Neo uses “What your kindergartener needs to know” to tell Neo Jr stories about Thomas Jefferson, George Washington and Benjamin Franklin (Mrs. Neo is practically a database on Indian history, so Neo sticks to American history – its much shorter, for one.)

Did you know George Washington once cut down a perfectly healthy cherry tree for no other reason but to try out his new hatchet ? Neo Jr. knows this in graphic detail. Also, Neo’s neighbor is complaining about someone hacking away at his new rose garden.

2. Think like a homeschooler

Mrs. Neo takes so much time to get dressed that Neo reaches every party just as the booze is running out. So he’s always left hanging out with the three sober guys left in the party. And from one such sober guy who just wouldn’t stop talking, Neo learned more about homeschooling than he cared to on a Friday night.

Despite that painfully long introduction, Neo went back and read up on homeschooling. And while Neo thinks that traditional schools are still important for kids to learn social skills, he realized that homeschoolers are actually the best source for figuring out how to augment the school curriculum.

So now Neo recommends finding and joining some good homeschooling forums (there are several lists), just to see what’s going on.

(Next time, Neo will have a couple of drinks before leaving for the party.)

3. English, english, english

Neo’s mother tongue is the sweetest and the most elegant language that no one really speaks any more – because half the words have been replaced with English equivalents.

In the past one year, Neo struggles to think of even one example where he could not get by with English in India. Even the drunk (at 11am!) plumber who came to Neo’s house last weekend asked him rather condescendingly “Do you have hammer?”.

English is the language of the future, the language of the intellectuals and the language of the world.

Neo does not want to be misunderstood. Neo is not saying that teaching your kids multiple languages confuses the child (that is a complete myth). Neo has merely decided that speaking in good English is the best use of the finite time that Neo and Mrs. Neo have with their son.

And so Neo’s house is an English-only house. The only time Neo and Mrs. Neo use their mother tongue is when they fight. And even then, its mostly Mrs. Neo talking in the mother tongue, and Neo saying “Yes, but..” every 18 minutes.

Neo Jr. already has superlative English language abilities due to this simple decision. Neo Jr speaks naturally, confidently and correctly in English. Those that understand good English are instantly impressed. Those that don’t are intimidated.

(Yes, Neo’s older relatives disapprove of his English-only communication with Neo Jr (and many, many other things about Neo). But Neo has already told them about several innovative places where they can stuff their disapproval.)

4. Flood your house with good books and supplies

Neo cringes at the amount of money wasted in India on toys and fancy clothes for kids that will be thrown in 2 months. Neo has stopped buying electronic toys, because Neo Jr loses interest in most even before the batteries run out. And then it’s back to messing around with Daddy’s office laptop.

Instead, Neo invests in good books and good supplies – e.g paper rolls, crayons, wooden blocks, magnetic alphabets, do-it-yourself kits, quality non-toxic paint, pencils etc. Most of this is not available in India – or maybe Neo hasn’t found a good store yet.

So when Neo travels to the US (they used to fly him business class before the fricking recession – thanks Greenspan), he buys one suitcase full of supplies from good educational supply stores like Lakeshore Learning – that usually lasts him the entire year. Plus he loves the look on the face of the customs official when they ask him “What’s in this suitcase”, and Neo says “Crayons”.

5. Spend time with your kids

In many Indian homes, the kids spend a lot of time with the maids. In Neo’s house, only Neo spends a lot of time with the maids. Not really, all the good-looking and friendly maids get fired quickly by Mrs. Neo. But you get the point.

Malcolm Gladwell lays out the case for “Concerted Cultivation” in his latest book, Outliers. Nothing is more important than spending oodles of time with your kid. So stop reading Neo’s blog and go read the awesome “How do Dinosaurs eat” to your child.

Conclusion

Wow – just follow these 5 tips and your child can be as smart as Neo’s child ? Of course not. There’s much more coming in future posts. But never forget – genetic advantage will always overwhelmingly favor Neo Jr over your kid.

But for now Neo has to make a presentation for the boss that explains why Neo’s team is running behind schedule on a product release that actually removes features. Not surprisingly, this release excites three VPs more than all the actual customers put together.

And Neo already knows what the first slide’s going to say – “You’ve got questions, we’ve got answers”.

All photos are licensed under Creative Commons and linked back to the originals

[smartads]

Neo thinks of himself as “penny foolish and pound wise”. Mrs. Neo’s opinions on Neo’s financial wisdom are mostly unprintable – not because Neo is afraid to print swear words, but because this is Neo’s blog! Neo is not obliged to print anything critical of Neo. Mrs. Neo can start her own blog if she wants!

But onward we go. Having a well-organized financial life after your return to India is critical because you will be too busy enjoying great food, warm weather and (if you are single) the company of some very attractive people of your favorite sex.  You don’t want to have to ponder about Roth IRAs and the Dollar-Rupee exchange rate on Friday nights.

So here are a few tips to get you started.

(Because Neo is a US citizen, many of these only apply to US citizens living in India. And, though Neo is flattered with your trust, do consult a financial advisor before doing anything mentioned here.)

1. Keep money in the currency where it is most likely to be used – Neo Jr.’s college fund is in the US, Neo’s drinking-money retirement fund will soon be moved to India. You get the picture. Neo would rather waste his money gambling in Las Vegas than in speculating on which currency will be relatively stronger in 10 years.
2. Do not invest in any Indian mutual funds – Firstly, when Neo heard a salesman tell him about the 8% expense ratio on the Indian mutual fund he was selling, Neo choked on a perfectly delicious vegetable puff. Secondly, there are huge tax issues for US citizens (or even non-citizen US residents) who invest in Indian mutual funds (yes – every US resident you know who invests in India is mistaken.)
3. Consider a IRA to Roth IRA conversion strategy – The Foreign Earned Income Exclusion will reduce the amount of taxable income on your US tax return. Its worthwhile to explore a Roth IRA conversion strategy. Neo’s strategy has the potential to give him access to his IRA money 5 years after the conversion, rather than when he is senile 59 1/2 years old.



4. Get good tax consultants – Vanilla or H&R block tax guys have as much experience with international tax issues as Neo has in sky diving. You need an Indian-expat friendly tax guy in the US, and a tax guy in India who doesn’t stare at you stupidly when you ask him if you qualify for RNOR.
5. Maintain a 12 month expenses fund – Neo is paranoid. He likes to keep 12 months of his expenses in fully liquid i.e.  checking/savings accounts. Having access to cash is not a financial issue in India – its a safety issue.
6. Have separate bank accounts in India for regular expenses vs large balances – Banks in India (and also in the US) are notorious for errors. So Neo follows a simple rule – the higher the balance in the account, the lower the number of transactions he makes – so it becomes easier to monitor. Having 200 transactions per month in a high-balance account makes it harder to monitor for errors.



7. Scan important documents and keep them on a CD/USB stick – Use encryption to ensure that your documents cannot be read by someone who doesn’t have the password. Keep the stick with your in-laws or a sibling.
8. Communicate clearly with your spouse – Returning Indians tend to have complex finances and accounts in two countries – Neo makes sure he keeps Mrs. Neo informed  – although she sleeps through many of Neo’s detailed presentations on the topic.
9. Make everything a joint account – Duh. You or your spouse do not want to have to go to an Indian court to prove inheritance. Making everything a joint account is a no-brainer.
10. Help your parents – Take some time to talk about and help organize your parents finances. Neo recently saved his in-laws from  a “sure investment that will double in 2 years”.
11. Automated alerts are your friend – Most good banks in India allow you to set configurable email and SMS alerts. Use those wisely and look for suspicious activity. Neo thinks credit card fraud and identity theft is going to zoom in India during this recession.



12. Get a safe deposit locker – Don’t keep original documents like passports in there, in case you need them when the bank is closed. Instead, keep copies and anything else you might need in case of an emergency.
13. Get healthy – Medical costs in India are surprisingly high – prevention is cheaper (and healthier) than cure. Neo works out like a maniac. When he is tired, he imagines writing out huge checks to the hospital. And then he can work out for another 30 minutes – easy. Yes, ladies – Neo has a hot bod. But he’s married.
14. Get an education – Yes, Neo knows you are not money-minded and have a “simplify” opinion when it comes to finance and investments. But you need to have a working intuitive understanding of things like inflation, currency, reserve banking, interest rates, purchasing power parity and the various financial instruments available to you (in the US and in India). Otherwise you are just sheep waiting patiently for the kill.
15. Other checklists – r2i club has this financial checklist for returning Indians.

Did Neo leave anything critical out ? Leave a comment below and let him know!