“Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” – Barack Obama.

“More than you know it I’m aware,
Of this connection that we share.
I know it seems like sometimes I don’t care,
But you are the colors that I wear” – “3 AM”, Poets of the Fall.

“I’m proud to be an Indian ” – Twitterer, January 26th, 2010.

“You were an Indian in America, and now you’re an American in India. Always confused.” – Neo’s Uncle Abhay on Neo, January 26th 2010.

“What time is Lost?” – Neo, moments ago.

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On Republic Day, Uncle Abhay kept trying to get Neo to enjoy the parade, but Neo was more interested in spending quality time with his Google Reader, podcasts and wine – only two things were “dry” on Republic Day at Neoville: the municipal water supply, and Abhay’s throat because he couldn’t stop talking.

Uncle Abhay finally gave up: “Are you even an Indian? What the hell are you doing in India? Why did you come here? Aren’t you proud of being an Indian?”.

No.

Neo has plenty of time to listen to Raga Marwa, or wait for his turn at the traffic light, but he has no time to waste watching parades, waving the flag of any country, chanting slogans or reading @nevervotes92’s tweets on how he’s proud of being an Indian. Saying that you are proud of being an Indian isn’t much different than saying you’re proud to be born on a Monday – being an Indian is just a fact, not an achievement to be proud of. Would you be less proud if you were born Romanian, or on a Tuesday ? You could say you’re lucky to be an Indian – millions of Bangladeshis would agree.

The ridiculously sloganeered and caricatured shows of patriotism that occur in India (and every other country) on “national holidays” are an insult to the intelligence of its citizens. What happened to the thoughtful, deep India ? When did we choose gaudy weddings over happy marriages, not-stalgia and past glory over reality, rutty careers over our real aspirations, pretentious religious ceremonies over what they actually mean, deep-fried over grilled, elder-worship over thinking for ourselves, the display of money over tastefulness and rote-memorized slogans over an intuitive understanding of civic duty ? You can get a kid to recite “Mera Bharat Mahan” or the sugary-sweet “All Indians are my brother and sisters” until his face is blue, but he’s still not going to stop throwing his fucking candy wrapper on the road until a parent teaches him to.

And have you noticed ? Around the world, the more pathetic the condition of its citizens, the grander and more pretentious are the patriotic celebrations and the forced, fake statements of pride. If the Martians were watching the parades on TV, they’d think North Korea was the leader of the world. The lipstick on a prostitute gets more garishly red as dawn approaches, or as the drugs wear off.

A few of Neo’s family members and friends serve (proudly) in the Indian armed forces. None of them are impressed by the Facebook status updates, tweets and blog posts proclaiming pride for India on national holidays or disasters. This Republic day, Neo’s friend said “We serve in the army so the rest of you motherfuckers can be safe and change India, not so you can sit around forwarding patriotic songs and feel happy.”

How about we replace all the parades, speeches and sloganeering with a simple ceremony that honors the men and women who would run towards a gunshot rather than away from it ? The ceremony can end in a simple wish – “we honor the Indians who died for our country this year, and we hope our enemies will soon have the opportunity to die in very large numbers for their country.”

Hello, and welcome to Neo’s blog. He is Indian, and he’s proud of many things. But he’s not proud to be an Indian. He just is an Indian.

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PS: You still like parades ? Here’s a parade that will make you proud, or maybe, if you’re like Neo, laugh uncontrollably and then collapse with sadness:

PS2: Are you proud of this blog post? If you are, you shouldn’t be. You didn’t write it.

Are you visiting India for the first time ? Here are some phrases that you might want to learn to say in Hindi.

“Where’s the restroom?”

“Hi, I’d like to book a pre-paid taxi.”

“Can you take me to Le Meridien?”

“No, thank you. I don’t need an escort for tonight.”

“Wow, you look beautiful. Come on in!”

“Good morning. Your daughter ? Wait, I thought she was the escort!”

“Where are you taking me?”

“What is this priest saying?”

“No! I have a girlfriend in San Jose! Please!”

“It’s not about you, Priya. I find you very attractive. Please don’t cry.”

“Oh god, please don’t stop.”

“So all this time you thought I was asking you if you were taking vitamin pills?”

“Push.”

“I need an admission form for Kindergarten, please.”

“Give me the remote.”

“Just a few more minutes on Twitter, honey. I’ll be right there!”

“Of course you don’t look fat!”

“Okay, I’ll shut up. Just let me in the room!”

(END)

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(Based on an idea by Simon Rich in “Ant Farm”)

“It’s not an apartment, it’s an abode!”

Welcome to Gurgling Creek Sprawling Meadows Courtyard Burj Al-Bangalore, a truly integrated township enclave featuring 10,000 idyllic, angelic, low-rise, high-tech, upscale, down-to-earth, close-to-nature, self-contained, self-sustainable, contemporary, exemplary, auxiliary, prestigious, almost religious, state-of-the-art, individually crafted, pedestrian-friendly, eco-friendly and vastu-friendly residential nay presidential homes that will leave you positively speechless, as opposed to ordinary communities that leave you negatively speechless.

The top 20 floors are so exclusive, the only water that you can get there is the Alaskan glacier-melted bottled water available for purchase in our fine, on-site, off-beat and under-construction gourmet grocery store.

Directions: Take NH-30 in Bangalore and drive towards Assam, until you hit the village of Udamanakanoorakuchahalli. The last 20 km of your journey might be slightly bumpy, but we think of it as an outdoors experience – a cross between cross-country skiing, paragliding and the motocross.

Amenities: Your wife might seem grumpy, frumpy, lumpy and frankly, anything-but-humpy now – but wait till the power goes off during dinner! First you get to say goodbye to your cricket game and enjoy 20 minutes of refreshing darkness while our 24-hour backup power supply gets warmed up by burning diesel, cloth, newspapers, cement and really, whatever else the watchman can throw in to keep the flame going. Then, say hello to our BDA-approved, patent-pending ‘warm and fuzzy flicker’ backup power! It simulates candlelight that will make your wife look like the woman you could have married if you had as prestigious an address seven years ago!

(And you’ll be glad you brought your 100-250V appliances from the US, because that’s precisely the voltage range of the power supply in Udamanakanoorakuchahalli!)

After dinner, if you need some “privacy” with your wife, you might wish you had spent more and bought one of our apartments with a real bedroom (we warned you!). But don’t worry! Just inches away from the inviting entrance to your apartment is the entrance to your neighbors apartment – convenient to drop your kids off! Just make sure you go back to your own wife house – people tend to get lucky confused in the dark.

Clubhouse: Don’t feel like paragliding back to civilization just to unwind ? Enjoy our all-in-one, integrated, dedicated, artfully curated and carefully aerated chess, carrom, cards, monopoly and library room (books not included)! Had one game too many of teen-patti ? Enjoy yoga, tai chi or just meditate – you won’t be disappointed with our luxuriously-appointed “Rejuvenation space” privately situated under the staircase! (One person at a time, mat not included).

Buy now: How much, you ask ? Well, don’t be offended if our salesmen living space consultants laugh the first time they hear your budget – they are just being good-natured. Once they explain to you the value of your abode, you will agree that a mortgage is not bondage, but a prestigious privilege. And don’t worry if you miss a few payments –we have a team of professional, all-star, all-weather, all-afghan payment assistance advisors to remind you!

And relax – prices go up and prices go down. With most of your past savings, future earnings and wife’s earrings committed to your own abode, all your investments will be consolidated into one large monthly EMI payment. You’re free from thinking about stocks, bonds, gold, mutual funds, livestock, crude oil, fine wine, fixed deposits or even keeping idle cash in your bank!

So stop dreaming and make it happen – plan your work and work your plan! Prioritize, solemnize, actionize and then sodomize! Welcome to Udamanakanoorakuchahalli – the afghans are waiting!

(RIP George Carlin. You are missed.)

What’s puzzling about China’s attempts to access Gmail accounts of human rights activists is this – why go through the trouble? If the Chinese government knows which specific Gmail account to hack into, it must know who the activist is. Why not arrest the naughty fellow for driving too slowly on his bicycle and then ask him if he’d like to eat “Deep-fried vegetable balls in a tangy Manchurian sauce with a hint of irony” for lunch? Et voila.

On the other hand, Google’s search algorithm has no choice but to read through all your boring emails and search queries. It’s trying to become sentient figure out what you’re likely to be searching.

So what are you, dear typical Google user, searching about India ? Google auto-complete knows:

1. Where do Indians live in Houston?

Answer: Here’s a hint: You know Indians are smart, right ? Would we really open our motel with the attached Indian restaurant far from where we all lived ?

And now you know where all the Pakistani and Bangladeshis live too. (You’d think that after all the complaining they do about how terrible it is to have India as a neighbor in South Asia, they’d have the sense to stay at least a few blocks away from us in the US.)

2. How do Indians wipe ?

Answer: Wipe what ? Wipe the floor with your ass ? Ok, yes, many Indians use water and their left hands to clean their ass. Why the left hand ? Because there should be some tradition that’s designed to be easier for left-handers. More importantly, we don’t want to contaminate our asses with the food that happens to be on our right hands.

3. Why Tamils celebrate Diwali?

Answer: It’s a cover for them to test their explosive devices. Tamil Nadu is planning to launch a massive missile strike on North India and then take over the country to make Tamil the national language, causing Pakistan to yearn for the good old days when they didn’t need a translator just to lie to India.

4. What do Indian people look like?

Answer: This question is as puzzling as the one you often hear from single women: “where are all the men?”. Seriously, you have to ask ? What happened to stepping out into the street ? We’re everywhere! (Yes, even in Talinn, Estonia)

5. Indian girls raised by wolves

Answer: If you are looking for matrimony with Indian girls raised by wolves, consider this: “Honey, I’m home!” in English sounds exactly like “Come and chew my head off, you stupid wolf” to an Indian girl raised by wolves (and judging by some of the mails Neo gets, even to many Indian girls who are not raised by wolves). Misunderestimations like that can ruin your entire evening.

6. Why do Indian people shake their head?

Answer: Well if you don’t want us to shake our heads, stop asking us to make you a company website that “looks exactly like this competitor’s website, except completely different.” And yes we’re spiritual but we still haven’t found any “lighter shades of black” for the text on your website.

7. Why are Indian people afraid of dogs?

Answer: Really, it’s the only thing all Indians (even those who now live in Houston) have in common. You’d be scared of dogs too, if you lived in a subcontinent with eighteen languages. Besides, although we all know that the dog doesn’t bite, the dog might not.

8. India and China have a right to pollute the environment

Answer: That’s not even a question! But, thank you for your support as we try to catch up to the per-capita pollution of developed countries.

9. Indian man marries dog

Answer: Now you know why there are so many Indian women (raised by humans or otherwise) looking for grooms on shaadi.com. You also know why we are scared of dogs.

10. How do Hindus get to heaven ?

Answer: Diversification. Sure, it’s fun, simple and bold to worship one God – just like it was to invest all your money in Enron. A better way to invest to simply buy a bit of everything. Yes, polytheism is the “Vanguard Index Fund” of religion. Look closely at a Hindu prayer room and you might even find Jesus (figuratively speaking)!

Just kidding! The truth is, we get to heaven by living like parseltongue-speaking, satan-worshipping pagans all our lives. Then, just moments before our deaths, we convert to Christianity so we can show up in heaven and continue leching at your wife when you visit our ridiculously overpriced Indian restaurant there.

(And when you get there, don’t forget to try our famous deep-fried vegetable balls in Manchurian sauce.)

Here’s your you-know-what: